AG- the no socks was basically just a brain fart! I had them at the race, but forgot to put them on in the hustle between bike and run. Definitely won't forget next time!
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think she is use to getting her way and shutting down convo's she doesn't like with her tone... I am guessing in the past, you responded by letting it go when she employed "the tone."...
Oh yes, she is the master of this. See my next post for more!
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Do you think she dressed for you?
I don't really think "for" me in the trying to attract me sense. More likely to show me how hot she is (or thinks she is) and that I can't have her. To be honest, I cannot imaging ML with her ever again...makes my stomache turn to think of it.
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perhaps you do need to move forward with the D for your kids.
I will meditate on this some more!
Chris,
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This might be one of those "life" subjects you and W need to discuss. Ultimately, you and W will need to decide what to tell the children and when to tell them. If anything, she should be amenable to having this discussion.
She refuses to even discuss the possibility of getting a divorce. She will not participate in any such discussion. If I bring it up, "I am destroying the childrens lives"!
Not sure what to do here, but I will see how things go the next few days.
SD Thanks, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
I am hoping to get some feedback on how to proceed with my sitch, based on the interaction below:
Again today, she brings up "the list" and money at the worst possible time (clearly done on purpose)...right when she and the kids are going to brunch (their b'day present to her). There were plenty of other times this could have been discussed and without the kids there. But instead, she brings it up with them standing there. SD: I don't want to discuss this with the kids here W: Why not? (she keeps talking) W: I need that money to be able to pay for x, y, and z this week. SD: In the future, I would like you to discuss things with me beforehand if you are expecting me to pay for them. W: So you are not going to pay for x, y, and z? SD: I did not say that, I said I am asking you to discuss in advance with me if you are expecting me to pay for something. For example, I was not expecting to have to pay for y. W: That was only...yada yada. SD: You are missing the point, if you are expecting me to pay for something, I want to discuss it in advance. W: You don't discuss with me your purchases in advance. SD: I am not asking you to pay for anything that I am purchasing... It's really simple. You can spend the money you earn however you want and I can spend the money I earn however I want. W: (Pissed off look on face) SD: (Now loosing control a bit) All I want is for us to pursue completely separate lives, which was YOUR choice!! W: (Turns and walks out the door and goes to brunch with kids.)
I was pretty hot after this, not so much at her as at the fact that I let her drag me into this with the kids around and then lost my cool instead of having a rational conversation that could lead to some progress.
While they were gone, I got some things done around the yard and had my PMA back when they arrived. W was in a good (even great) mood and did not mention our convo. again. In the end, I gave her all the money she was asking for.
My questions: 1. What just happened? 2. Am I being unreasonable that a SAHM who decided to abandon her H physically to pursue other men should be expected to divorce H and get a job to support herself? 3. How the heck do I get out of this mess without hurting my kids?!
I know she is in MLC and a trainwreck, but somethings gotta give!
Thank goodness for my 90 min. power yoga this afternoon, otherwise, not sure what I would have done!
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Exactly what are the consequences of the bad choices she has made? You give her everything she wants!!! She is cake eating, big time!!!
There is no way you can get out of this mess amicably. It's going to get ugly at some point and if you really want out, you're just delaying it.
My X and I waited until our D graduated from HS to split. She was still hurt by it even at 18. Maybe, more so because she thought everything was OK her entire life and to suddenly learn that we stuck it out for her was hard for her to know.
I know this site is to "save" marriages but you've made it very clear that you have no intention of doing so. Your W has no reason to leave. She has a nice orderly life where you take care of everything and she still sees OM. She's like your teenage child.
I know you've been told this numerous times and you continue to ask what you should do. She is going to continue doing exactly what she is doing until you force her to do otherwise.
Do you think Yoga will get you through the next 10 yrs or so while she continues what she's doing?
I noticed that part of my last post was accidently cut. I meant to say that limboland is tough on children. When my parents stopped the D when I was young - it was a relief b/c there was stability again. And when my parents finally D'ed when I was older - the limboland was very stressful - once they were D and finally leaving us out of their distress towards each other - we were fine.
Now onto your dilemma... The way I see it you have three choices:
(i) make going from "undefined limboland" to saving your M a goal;
(ii) continue to live together in "undefined limboland" - the goal being perhaps a post nuptial agreement that defines the monetary responsibilities;
(iii) file for D.
Is it possible that you yourself are using a fear of W's reaction to you filing for a D as an excuse for not proceeding with a D yourself? In other words, would you, like W, prefer to essentially have an open M - where your share a home, finances but are free to be involved in R's with other people? That is what you have right now - even if W is the only one taking advantage of the open M part...
Boundary setting, boundary enforcement, confrontation are not easy for anywone. You can wait as long as you like but the D when it moves forward will not be amicable - unless of course W ends up with OM. Is it possible that you are reacting more to your own fear of confrontation and using W's behavior as an excuse to do nothing?
The issue of money is tough. You need to sit down with W and set up a sum that each of you is allowed to spend on yourself. You are not D - and you are choosing to stay in the M. You cannot pick and choose which aspects of the M you will honor. That would be doing the same thing W is doing in a different aspect of your M.
The division of assets is tough during a D. I was the primary wage earner and paid a hefty sum to make The X go away. You will probably have to pay alimony and owe a chunk of change in child custody every month. You will go through a drop in standard of living yourself if/when you file for D. It sucks - but that is how it is...
At this point, you are both responsible for the state of your lives. Neither one of you is taking affirmative steps to make any changes to your current living situation.
I hope I don't sound too harsh... I just don't see how else to advise you on what to do w/in the parameters of the R that you currently have with W...
I like lists and all but I agree with QOU....can I come live with you, have my boyfriend and have you pay for everything too because jeeeeeeeeeeeepers...that sounds pretty OK with me!!!
Of course she brings it up when she knows you don't want to talk about it.
she gets her way then.
Do not stay in a relationship for your kids...they should never have to feel that responsibility like they are the only reason you are together.
it's as bad as living your life through them.
I am divorced (twice actually...once from their bio dad...when they were 1 and 2...once from LSS who was the only dad they really knew) I have 2 boys who are pretty well-adjusted. I could have remained with a man who treated me like crap because he was their father figure but I chose to teach them about strength, personal responsibilites and I wanted them to not feel the pressure of holding my marriage together...to teach them that healthy relationships don't look like what was happening with LSS.
Do not stay in a relationship for your kids...they should never have to feel that responsibility like they are the only reason you are together.
Amen, sistah!!! I wish I would've left when our D was 2 and then again when she was 10. What was I thinking??? So much of my life wasted with someone who didn't appreciate me or our M. Stupid stupid stupid!!!
I am with AG on this one. If you read "Women's Infidelity" then you know you are in limboland and it is to her advantage to stay in limboland. It is tough on everyone (children included) but her. She is being selfish, cake-eating, and wrong.
If you want her out (we all know you do), you have to move forward on it. She obviously is not going to do this. Yes, it will be hard on the kids in the short-term, but better on them in the long run. Do you really think that being in a home without mom and dad showing love to each other is good for the kids? I think it is better to have the love flowing and the kids immersed in it (just MHO).
So what to do? If you want her gone, the I say go see the L and file. This will make her come to the negotiating table and go away sooner. Let her cry all she wants about destroying the kids lives, SHE did that, SD, not you. Don't let her throw a guilt trip on you. Open marriage?!?! - that is an abomination to man and to God. Let her reap what she sowed.
Best, --Chris
Me: 40 She: 31 S: 5 D: 3 Married: 8 years (05 DEC 99) Blow-up: 02 JUN 07 Piecing (More like Ostriching): 22 FEB 08
I've been reading this turn (or is it turning point?) in your sitch with great interest, and a real sense of deja vu for me (with the major exception that I'm not at that point yet of saying i want H out)... have some slowly evolving thoughts, which i'll put down when i have more time...
