Do I think MLC is a mental illness. To be honest, I don't know. I have never heard it referred to as a mental illness. I do not know if I believe that it is or not.
I can appreciate what you are saying though. I mean, it makes sense to me when you put it that way. At first I thought it was depression and I suggested counseling for her....you can imagine how that went over. Just before she left she told me in tears "you must think I am nuts".
It may be, but the question may be as you said earlier...do I have the patience to see this through.... once again. I don't know.
I used to think I knew things. I swim in thoughts now. Feeling like I’m drowning most of the time anymore. I don’t know what to think about almost anything. I swim in circles getting nowhere and more exhausted by the day. Love for my boys being the only exception. Everything else I thought I knew, the questions that I thought I had already answered, the man I married, now unclear for an unknown reason. I can’t explain it. Not even how I feel. I don’t know what to say about anything… to anyone. So mostly I haven’t. I have hurt so much in the last year. Like flailing when drowning, pulling under with me the ones trying to save me. I have created regrets I fear I will have for the rest of my life. I gave up the one I believe to be my soul mate, I couldn’t pull him under anymore with my panic and confusion. I had already hurt him to the degree no one deserves and I love him. From that I have also hurt my sons by not having their parents together. This will affect the rest of their lives in one way or another.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Thank you for posting your document, although my H never put quite like that, I believe he was/is feeling the same way. It so difficult and the waiting unbearable. It has been 1 1/2 years for me now although H and I communicate often and I feel as though he is my bestfriend. He does sweet things for me which confuses me even more, does he do it because we are friend and I am the mother of his son or does he still care for me??
Thank you for posting your document, although my H never put quite like that, I believe he was/is feeling the same way. It so difficult and the waiting unbearable. It has been 1 1/2 years for me now although H and I communicate often and I feel as though he is my bestfriend. He does sweet things for me which confuses me even more, does he do it because we are friend and I am the mother of his son or does he still care for me??
I'm sorry I don't really know why he does what he does, but I can say the way you communicate allows for dialogue with him. For my wife it was imporatnat to build up her friendship with me again, and to believe that I was capable of forgiveness.
I think she still struggles with that. Time will tell, as will consistency in my actions and words.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Sounds like you are working on this from a position of strength. It's important, when the bottom falls out of your world, to get your feet back under you and work hard to protect the most valuable things in your life - your kids.
I have two boys of my own. Thankfully my ex-spouse was lucid enough during her life change to recognize that they belonged with a parent who was willing to be responsible. It was the best gift she ever gave me.
I personally don't buy the "MLC is a mental illness" deal. Yeah, depression is usually in there, maybe some bi-polar like symptoms, but in general we see people making life altering decisions, hurting people in the process, and they are quite well aware of what they are doing.
Temporary insanity? Hmm. Maybe. Sounds good. Except in most cases the "temporary" has a time frame of several years.
They become mean sometimes, hateful even. They become the antithesis of who and what they were before. Yet, while all these things are irrational looking to us, they make these decisions consciously and will defend them loudly.
In the end, don't think it really matters which way you lean in this great debate.
Bad actions are bad actions. Regardless of the cause. Surely no one really believes that "the devil made them do it."
Jack is right that it's a call that we each get to make on our own. Listen to all the differing voices if you so desire, but in the end you make the decision that YOU can live with.
The best thing you can do right now is to continue showing your sons how a real man handles the crappiest moment of his life.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
From the NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) website, providing an analysis on mental illness:
"Mental illnesses are medical conditions that disrupt a person’s thinking, feeling, mood, ability to relate to others, and daily functioning. Just as diabetes is a disorder of the pancreas, mental illnesses are medical conditions that often result in a diminished capacity for coping with the ordinary demands of life.
Serious mental illnesses include major depression, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), panic disorder, post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and borderline personality disorder. The good news about mental illness is that recovery is possible.
Mental illnesses can affect persons of any age, race, religion, or income. Mental illnesses are not the result of personal weakness, lack of character, or poor upbringing. Mental illnesses are treatable. Most people diagnosed with a serious mental illness can experience relief from their symptoms by actively participating in an individual treatment plan.
Mental illnesses are biologically based brain disorders. They cannot be overcome through "will power" and are not related to a person's "character" or intelligence."
A midlife crisis is more of a symptom than a cause, IMO. A majority of the people on this topic have described their spouses as undergoing a midlife crisis of sorts. This is only an armchair diagnosis but what also accompanies this declaration is that their spouses are in some state of depression leading up to the characteristics classified as a midlife crisis.
If they are undergoing depression where it changes their personality, it would be classified as a mental illness, although none of us are experts or fully qualified to say this as a surety.
I read the following from a site that provides answers to questions such as these. This is an opinion by a psychatrist and not necessarily generally accepted,
"Most likely, the DSM-IV would incorporate midlife crisis under the diagnostic heading of "Adjustment Disorder, Unspecified type", which is described as a maladaptive reaction to psychosocial stressors that does not fit one of the other adjustment disorder types (e.g., adjustment disorder with anxiety, adjustment disorder with depressed mood, etc.)...
One key feature of disease, in my view, is the presence of suffering and incapacity. The DSM-IV lists "social or vocational impairment" as a criterion in nearly all the major mental illnesses, and with good reason--otherwise, every perturbation of the person's emotional life becomes an illness. In addition, clinicians look for a recognizable pattern of signs and symptoms; a familial or genetic predisposition; an expectable or predictable course; and, in some cases, a predictable response to treatment, as general features of what we would call a disease, illness or disorder."
So no one can state definitively, including the experts, whether midlife crisis' can be considered a mental illness.
I would say it depends on the person and her symptoms may be attributed to either biological or sociological factors, i.e. it may be hereditary or she could be reacting to issues from her past.
Regardless, I understand what Bill is saying and believe that some people are making a conscious choice in their decisions while others are undergoing some intense stressors that their personality cannot overcome. Like holding your hand above a flame, you will do anything to remove it in order to avoid pain. I believe some of our spouses feel that they are in such pain that they will justify any action to ease their "suffering".
This especially applies to people that have changed their personality dramatically.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
