Finding DB late in the game #4

[MichelleLT]

Sounds like a pretty good birthday overall.

[newnamenewlife]

CW, you are a saint. I wish I could maintain the patience and tolerance that you are displaying. I can until H brings up S plans and that's when I crack. Today he emailed me saying he set up an appt with a mediator for Wed and would "love it" if I joined him. Just the fact that he dusted off the word love and used it in that context hurts me so much.

When you and your H separated, did you go to anyone to discuss terms? I thought a mediator was for a divorce and as I understand it, the state in which I live requires a year of S before a D.

I wish I could just cooperate, but anytime it gets real--ie an actual appt with a mediator, I freeze up and freak out.

[newnamenewlife]

CW, you are a saint. I wish I could maintain the patience and tolerance that you are displaying. I can until H brings up S plans and that's when I crack. Today he emailed me saying he set up an appt with a mediator for Wed and would "love it" if I joined him. Just the fact that he dusted off the word love and used it in that context hurts me so much.

When you and your H separated, did you go to anyone to discuss terms? I thought a mediator was for a divorce and as I understand it, the state in which I live requires a year of S before a D.

I wish I could just cooperate, but anytime it gets real--ie an actual appt with a mediator, I freeze up and freak out.

[cw68]

So I hit a breaking point today. Very anti-DBing, but a necessary letter to H. I needed to do this for me, this wasn't about our R, wasn't about him. It was about ME. There hasn't been enough focus on me recently. Everything I've been doing for me has been partnered with doing this for our R as well. Yes, I'm becoming a better person. I'm improved myself and I'm very happy that I made these decisions, these changes. But I've reached a point.

I'm detaching and I have to do it my way.

I sent him a long note following up on our conversation. Perhaps I'll kick myself later, but I don't think I have anything to lose. In the past couple of weeks I realized that we are over, that our marriage is over. I know he's not coming back, at least on the path that we were following.

It's time for me to LRT. I told him that perhaps it was time that we separated ourselves, that we should go our separate ways and he can see if losing me, losing our family is worth it. This was all done in a very loving way because I'm not doing it to be mean. I'm doing it to save our marriage. If I don't save my marriage, I have to save myself.

Until the moment I clicked "send" I had had it up to here and was just about ready to die. Sending this letter has emptied me out and I can deal with anything now.

With the verbal Dobson letter I gave him a few weeks ago and now this, I have cast off. The ropes holding my boat to the dock have been removed. I feel free and I'm just going to go where the wind takes me.

[cw68]

LMG, I'm not a saint. No, we didn't go to a mediator, we set up the terms ourselves. I sat down with a list of questions and we negotiated everything in our family room. It was just right for our situation.

[newnamenewlife]

When you say go your separate ways, how would that be different from the way you live now?

I totally understand where you're at. I'm not there yet myself, but it gets harder and harder to maintain hope and interest in saving the M after a while. The whole DB baby steps thing is misleading, I think.

I still don't know what a Dobson letter is. Please tell me!

Feeling free sounds wonderful, CW. I'll be curious to find out your Hs response.

[cw68]

A Dobson letter is where you let them go, you tell them you don't want a D, but won't stand in their way any longer.

Going our separate ways means not eating dinner together, not planning weekends around each other, not spending every Sunday together. While we don't live together, our lives are still very intertwined.

This is going to be very difficult for me because I'm not going to be seeing my kids on the weekends that H has them, but I need to do this. He needs to see what it's going to be like when he decides we are over.

[cw68]

I don't think the baby steps thing is misleading. If they do return, it is generally through baby steps. But, if you think baby steps always leads to returning, then, yes it's misleading.

[newnamenewlife]

I kind of did the Dobson letter. I told H I wouldn't stand in his way but I wouldn't help him figure out how or when to leave either--though I am not very convincing at letting go. I still can't get past the feeling that he owes me a chance at MC before doing this.

What has led to this resolve on your part? The wishy-washiness, push/pull with your H?

[cw68]

Was it a real "dobson letter?" Meaning did it come from your heart?

I'm not sure what led to this other than the last nine months of discomfort/hell. All I know is that I had to let it out. In all honesty, I thought that after I sent it I would regret it. For an hour I had the email drafted and didn't hit send. H called during this time to ask me if the road to the airport was closed b/c he didn't know if construction on it had started yet (something he could have easily found out himself) and I told him I had an email here that I didn't know if I should send or not. He told me to go with my instincts. Instincts said to fire it off and with it would go a lot of my angst. That it did. Like I have so many times before, I was driving in the car and thought, "My marriage is over." but this time it didn't rock me. My stomach didn't drop. I was very matter-of-fact with it.

I didn't want my email to be the last communication of the day, so I sent a simple text after filling up my car, which was on fumes. Said, "over 55 bucks to fill up. f*ck" and he responded that he's glad he didn't get the Range Rover and that I was right, it would have been a stupid move. (For two years he wanted a Range Rover and I was against it.) Then added that he got bumped to first class on his b-day and that he read the email. Said he wasn't trying to avoid it, just busy, on the plane right now and will respond when he's sleepless tonight. I think my instinct was OK today and I didn't screw everything up. Admittedly, I told a few steps back for sure, but it kept me from falling off a cliff.