Hi, LL...I haven't been by your thread in a long time...sorry you're so frustrated! Your thread subject is "I have ot let go of h" - I wonder what would happen if you DID stop doing so much for him? Stop making his lunches, stop begging for dates - don't always be there when he is there, ask him to watch the kids during the day on the weekend so you can go do something...this seems like the fun part of DBing, in some ways...
It won't change if you don't change. You have a young young child, right? Less than a year, I think. That is SO HARD, just by itself. Being a mom of an infant. Are you involved with other moms? I would think you'd need that! You need & deserve emotional support. GO GET IT!!!
Thank you for being so supportive ofme with Sad & on my thread. Your words have really lifted both of our spirits...I hope you can do the same for yourself!
Quoting lostlove: I know that my h does care about me...I know that part of the problem has been that he does care and does try but that it is in his way...when I ask for my way...it is a slap in the face to him...
last night we did have a tif...it was the same old same old..you're not around..I feel alone..yada yada yada...h gets very frustrated with this..and I get very frustrated with this as well..especially since I have it made up in my mind that h was giving all that I want to ow...perhaps he was not and I just assume that he was...I don't know...
eventually h and I did hug...and h said...I know you are hurting LL and I'm sorry for that...I don't want you to hurt anymore...I am just being me...
My first thread revolved around this self-same issue.
Recently, W has shifted from spending time with GF to spending a LOT of time with MF. Her position is that he is a good friend. Whether male or female, it's the same thing. I suppose that makes sense, but I wasn't crazy about being replaced by GF either. Now, MF's wife is having a hard time dealing with their togetherness. My W is upset. "Can't we have any friends without upsetting our families?????" . . . However, I'm still far from where I want to be.
Just staying the course for now.
Well, I tried LL. I tried hard.
But I failed.
I wanted to be someone special to her. I wanted her to treat me in a way that made me feel special and important. To her mind, what I was asking for was for her to change, but she was just being herself.
In the email that I sent her, I asked her one more time if she could see herself clear to edging a little closer to me. This was her response:
Quoting email from Andy’s W: I understand your frustration and your needs. I don't want to spend the rest of my life without intimacy and sharing. And You are not having your needs met, I know that too. I'm sorry.
My relationship with our children is very important. This is what I do. I prepare their heart and their soul for the world, for the future. And I am happy they can talk to me about anything. What is happening to DD#2 is scary. Although she talks to me about the whole situation giving me details about her feelings and emotions, outside influence, out of my control, almost made me lose my beautiful daughter. So our problems have to be put aside for now. I know you know that.
This is not an answer. It's the way it is. And I don't know where it's going.
And I don't know where it's going either.
When I got home from work yesterday, W was not preparing the heart and soul of our children for the world. She was out rollerblading with MF. She was being herself.
But she wants intimacy and sharing. And like your H, she doesn't want to hurt me. So all I can do is to stay the course and wait for her to make intimacy and sharing a priority.
It's not a man/woman thing, LL. I think that deep down, your H wants it too. He just has to figure it out.
did you know I am partly responsible for your name?? there was a phrase slowlee slowlee catchee monkee...I took that and dubbed my h silly monkee...that was taken and turned into silly alien monkey...ta da....sam was born...just thought I'd share that.
Quote: I wonder what would happen if you DID stop doing so much for him? Stop making his lunches, stop begging for dates - don't always be there when he is there, ask him to watch the kids during the day on the weekend so you can go do something...this seems like the fun part of DBing, in some ways...
ok, well let's see it could go many different ways...since h works during the week and often doesn't arrive home til 7pmish....dd is already in bed by that point..son is off to bed at 8 (or as he says eight and two zeros) it is possible for me to go out and do my own thing at that time...infact this past mon night I took off and went to see the matrix by myself...h understood that I just needed to get out...was a tad reluctant in my leaving right away (simply because he had some things he wanted to do in the yard) but I told him it would be the difference between a 7:45 show or a 9:45 show and that I'd prefer the earlier...so off I went and came home to h asleep in bed...didn't seem to matter to him that I had gone out...I had begun my pulling away...my doing for me...but I don't always want to go out...so then what to do...find another project (I did spend a lot of time a while ago painting the dining room, again h didn't seem to mind my "absence")
or perhaps as long as I am happy to be doing what I'm doing and don't let the resentment of h's not doing them with me build h will want to join in???
Quote: It won't change if you don't change. You have a young young child, right? Less than a year, I think. That is SO HARD, just by itself. Being a mom of an infant. Are you involved with other moms? I would think you'd need that! You need & deserve emotional support. GO GET IT!!!
dd is now 20 months of trouble...she's a cutie and a climber!! anyway...before all this crap came out..I was involved in play groups...I was getting to know other at home moms in town (and there are tons of 'em) getting together at least one day a week to play...then the holidays came...then the world crashed down on me...I didn't stop...I contiued to seek out friends for son to play with and met a couple of women with sons his age and got together with them...but people get busy...the summer is comming and the kids that were in pre-school will be out soon (s will go next year) actually just yesterday we were at one of his buddies homes to play...the mom I totally consider a friend...she dragged me out to play many a day last summer (she knew the sit) even brought me flowers when I had a tif with the neighbor (who has since moved away...aaaahhhh) her two sons are basically the same ages as my son and dd...so it's fun.
but I do have to do more!!
Quote:
Thank you for being so supportive ofme with Sad & on my thread. Your words have really lifted both of our spirits...I hope you can do the same for yourself!
no problem at all...infact in helping others I often find that I'm helping myself as well...it's much easier to see the possitives in another sit...I point them out and then can't help but sit back and say...hmmm...now why the hell can't you do that for yourself...
I wanted to be someone special to her. I wanted her to treat me in a way that made me feel special and important. To her mind, what I was asking for was for her to change, but she was just being herself.
when will we get it andy?? I thought I got it while h was gone during our seperation when he wanted a d...I got it..I understood that I expected him to make me feel good about me...I expected him to make me feel special...I understood then that it wasn't fair of me to put that burden on him...why can't I stick to that belief....I suppose that is where pma comes into play....funny thing is my battle with my pma is still there..when I'm up and feeling good about myself I feel like I shouldn't feel so good about myself...don't be so cocky I tell myself..but then what's wrong with knowing who and what you are and what you have to offer as long as your not pompus about it??? what's wrong with knowing youre special and not needing anyone to make you feel that way??
Quote: But she wants intimacy and sharing. And like your H, she doesn't want to hurt me. So all I can do is to stay the course and wait for her to make intimacy and sharing a priority.
maybe we make it too much of a priority?? maybe we are or were getting it from our spouses but becuase we were also "expecting" them to make us feel a certain way being intimate and sharing became difficult...to the point where it seems to much like work??
Quote: It's not a man/woman thing, LL. I think that deep down, your H wants it too. He just has to figure it out.
he does want it and needs it...that is why he went to ow...he is "trying" to have it with me and I am making it difficult with my "expectations"
sorry that your w is choosing to spend her winding down time with another...could you take a spin on the blades with her one day??? no expectations just a peacfull day of roller blading (I love roller blading feels to me like flying)
oh btw...any of you who are lucky enough to live near a krispy kreme...the next time that hot now light goes on..please go have one for me!!!
had them in florida for the first time...omg I'm having withdrawals...there are none around here...
the power of the krispy kreme goes beyond just taste...
h called a while ago (returning a call from son) I told him I might have to take a ride to ny...for what he asks...some krispy kremes...h did not come on the trip so he hasn't had one...I spent a few minutes describing to him them...he laughed...it was a lighthearted conversation..the kind I'd like to have with h..not so serious and stuffy..not so I'm here going there...should be back in the office by x..plan to head home at y....it was just a fun little conversation...so there is more power in a krispy kreme than just the immense pleasure it gives your palate.
I haven't had much more to say that isn't any different than before and have been having a little trouble keeping up with the pace of your threads and still have more to catch on, but I came across this and wanted to respond:
Quoting LL: eventually h and I did hug...and h said...I know you are hurting LL and I'm sorry for that...I don't want you to hurt anymore...I am just being me...
I don't exactly know what to make of that statement other than perhaps h does love me and is showing me that he loves me and is working toward that "connection" but becuase it's not my way and because I'm waiting for my way..(and am getting it on occassion) I'm not always confident in it.
Perhaps trying to find somewhere in the middle to meet is the answer both literally and figuratively. In response, " ... I'm just being me." could be " ... and when being you includes sharing yourself with me, then I'm on top of the world and would want you to change a thing. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I just wish I can have more of you being with me."
How about suggesting a couple times a week a rendezvous at some middle location from your home and where he is working for lunch just to be together. See where you can go from there.
This jumped out at me... In a way, this is a non-answer. I mean, so what? I was "just me" before my W went off the deep end. Now, I'm a different "just me." Seems to me (and I know it's not for a lack of effort on your part) your H needs to get on board with getting some guidance on how to have a fulfilling R (as though you didn't know). Perhaps this is something that can be brought up in C?
I know what you're going to say..."I left X, Y, and Z books out for H, even highlighted some spots, but he won't read them." You know, LL, if he REALLY wants to work things out here, then he needs to put forth the effort. Rs take effort, as we all know. These things are not instinctive...they are learned through trial and error, paying attention to the signs, and actively trying to fill the (appropriate) tank of one's S. This, IMHO, is what your H needs to get his arms around. Now how to make him realize this???
You know, after my W read "5 Love Languages," the lightbulb went on. In doing this she realized that I have needs that are different than hers (duh). Can you TWIST your H's arm on this one? Heck, it's a small book!
Personally, I truly don't know if I'll ever get it.
I know that sounds defeatist, but I know that W and I live under the same roof and sleep in the same bed only because she has no choice. We don’t have a room she can move out to, and we could never afford separate housing. She stays because of the kids.
Quoting lostlove: maybe we make it too much of a priority?? maybe we are or were getting it from our spouses but becuase we were also "expecting" them to make us feel a certain way being intimate and sharing became difficult...to the point where it seems to much like work??
I don’t thinks so. I think it can become too much of a priority, but I don’t think you or I are being unreasonable. The sun doesn’t stop shining when I’m not with my W. Actually, it stops shining when I’m with her because it’s so blatant that she’d rather be anywhere else.
Quoting lostlove:sorry that your w is choosing to spend her winding down time with another...could you take a spin on the blades with her one day??? no expectations just a peacfull day of roller blading (I love roller blading feels to me like flying)
This is a case in point. Due to a bum leg, I couldn’t keep up with her. There are other things we could do together. We used to have breakfast every Sunday morning. We used to have coffee in bed every weekday morning before I went to work. We used to go for walks together. Whenever I ask her to do any of these things, she would rather go blading, or for a walk (alone), or she simply doesn’t wake up in the morning. We do go motorcycle riding together sometimes, but I’m really treated like a third wheel. I kinda feel like the little brother that mom forces her to take with her when she goes riding with MF.
Quoting lostlove:he does want it and needs it...that is why he went to ow...he is "trying" to have it with me and I am making it difficult with my "expectations"
Well, that my be the way he sees it, and if it is, there’s nothing you can do about it except to try not to show your expectations to him. As I posted almost 2 years ago, I’m just staying the course. Just trying to be better at it than I was back then, and hoping that the fact that W wants intimacy, and that she’s stuck with me will combine to make her want intimacy with me.
I wish I had some better advice for you, LL. Some way you could make your H understand that he's not giving up his individuality by making concessions to you.
Because that's what he has to realize. He also has to realize that when these concessions become habit, they'll become part of him. Not by taking something away, but by adding something.
well last week I had suggested one night that h bring home a video (ok I live in a rural area and have yet to find a video store near by and there is a big one in the area that h works..we already have a membership there as we used to live in that area)...so anyway..h forgot...appologized and that was the end of that...I think that night he actually fell asleep early anyway...
so during one of our conversations today...h said...maybe I'll pick up a movie on the way home...it's going to be pooring out tonight and it may be a good night to just stay home and watch a movie...
so LL is a bit happy with that...I told h that sounded like a good idea...
we'll see how it goes...maybe we'll have some popcorn and some ...
, unfortunately I don't have anyone to share that with! OG must be the "total package"
