I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and anew. I am starting over with a beginners mind. I am going to try to detatch again and not care that my husband is a big huge cake and ice cream eater.
I did some things this weekend that you all wouldn't like. I am sure you all will shake your head and go "that isn't what we told her!" But I thought of our friend Jeff in St. Louis and how loving he his towards his wife. I figure like may of you, I just have this summer of my H here with me, so I am going to keep trying.
What happened that you all won't like? I will tell you. I am such an enabler. H came home yesterday and asked me to go out with him to diner and movie. While I know that I should have had other plans and said no, clingy Sara really liked the idea of spending time with her H, and so I said yes.
One thing that I learned is that our text messages weren't going through to each other 100% of the time. Which doesn't make me happy about H staying out until 2am for three nights in a row, but it does change things a little bit.
Basically I know that H doesn't want to come home because I always gripe at him about staying out too late. He doesn't want me to know where he is going (says I will just show up there). Alright...so I am going to stop asking him those questions. I am going to step texting him when he is out. When he is gone, I am not going to mope around the house crying that my H isn't home. I am going to act like I am happy, work on that book I want to write and get on with my life. I am not going to bother with H and if I need to kick him out or whatever. Right now I am sick of that thought.
I still have that appointment with a lawyer tomorrow afternoon. It will be good to have that information incase I need it. But Kris was right....I am not signing off on my marriage, just getting some information to help me be more educated.
I am still not sure if H has OW or not. He still says he doesn't. I still suspect that he does. If he does, I wonder if it is the previous OW. Oh well...I want to stop dwelling on that.
Here is to a new thread and a new week.
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
Why can't you show up where he is at if he has nothing to hide? I don't know your story....have you told him "no contact"?
My H had an issue with this too. Not now before. I did show up at the bar more than once if he was late and not answering his cell, because it would make me angry. He wouldn;t answer because he knew I was calling because he was past the time he said he was coming home. So I would just go down there and walk in. Never was he ever doing anything, other that being inconsiderate. Things I would change if I could go back.
Last edited by neecy22; 05/05/0812:07 AM.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Well..yeah we agreed to "no contact." However, how can he have "no contact" when he says there isn't someone? He really isnt' serious about changing things. I still believe that he is hiding something. But neecy, you could be totally right that he is being inconsiderate and not hiding a woman. I am so tired of playing all of this over and over in my mind. It is time to stop obsessing about him and start living for myself.
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
Star, I have to say I see nothing wrong with your plan of action or what you did. Did you read the chapter in DB about cheeseless tunnels? It says if one thing doesn't work, do something different.
You're doing something different. And, I think this will be beneficial to you. It's hard to detach, and act as if, but it does help your PMA. I did this with my H and it helped.
So give it a try for a couple weeks ... see if you see any results.
Good luck at the lawyer today Sara. Remember to write down questions and take them with you...otherwise you may forget.
I am not going to fuss at you for going to dinner with him (unless you bought him dinner!)...but here is the problem...he doesn't know what it would be like to lose you, and he doesn't know what it is like to miss you. You are there whenever he decides he wants you. What if one of those times you weren't there? Let him miss you.
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Basically I know that H doesn't want to come home because I always gripe at him about staying out too late.
So quit griping at him. Don't give him any ammo. I know that is easier said than done, but you have to detach. Maybe you should just pretend that you did have that conversation with him and he said he wanted to be single. Act the way you would have acted if he had said that.
If you keep doing what you are doing then it tells him that he can go out, stay out all night, not call you, not contribute...and its fine...because you will still be right there waiting. He has no consequences for his actions.
Look, I know this has got to be hard to do and still live in the same house. Maybe if you can afford it you can do the hotel thing just to get out of the house for a couple of days...it could save you sanity. I will be thinking about you today!!!
Ive been following your thread, but Ive only posted i think once to you.
Im sorry you are going through this, its terrible. You've gotten a lot of good advice here, just wanted to chime in on some things:
1. If he is serious about changing, he has to become transparent, the issue about him not wanting to tell you where he has been is complete BS! He sounds like he is munipulating. you.
2. Definately like the idea of you going to a motel for the night, he needs something to think about.
3. This guy really has it made, why would he leave, you need to start making things difficult for him, what I mean is, stop taking care of him. It sounds like this is in your nature, but this is not helping your stitch, he needs to be reminded by what you do for him, and just maybe he will appreciate it more.
4. Def. keep your appt. with the lawyer, even if its to find out info, you need to be armed, and he needs to know you are serious.
5. Most WAS lie when they are in the midst of an A, unless he is willing to tell you everything, then I would believe nothing.
I'm not trying to be harsh, I just feel this guy needs serious scare for him to wake up. I don't want to see you hurt anymore.
Good luck today, be strong, and keep us informed.
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
See I told you that you wouldn't like what I did this weekend. How come some people are told that they are detatching and everything while their S is having an affair and others are told that they are allowing their S to be cake eaters and they need to quit?
I know my H has it made. I know that I am allowing it most of the time. It is like something in me can't control it. I have been taking care of him for 7 years. When he left to be with the OW in January, I talked to her on the phone. What do you think I asked her? I asked her to take care of my H. He needs help doing things and I wanted to make sure that she would help him. How messed up was that?
I have been slowly giving him responsibility. He is paying the bills in his name, doing his own paperwork, his own laundry, picking up after himself and a few other things. I know there is more that I need to do.
I paid for the movie and he paid for the dinner. I really had a nice time out with him this weekend and even got to see my old husband return many times.
I am going to try to let him have his way but not bother him. I haven't really done that yet. Maybe if he sees that I don't seem to care about where he is, there will be some change. It is worth a try.
I have been thinking about that hotel. The Holiday Inn here in town has a hot tub. Doesn't that sound nice? I think they also have Kareokee, which I love to do! I will need to pick a night and I might as well stay there. It might be a little more expensive than other hotels, but the hot tub sounds so nice.
Still am meeting with the lawyer. I don't think H realizes that I am doing this. Should I tell him tonight??
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
See I told you that you wouldn't like what I did this weekend.
I wasn't too mean was I??
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How come some people are told that they are detatching and everything while their S is having an affair and others are told that they are allowing their S to be cake eaters and they need to quit?
When I read this I really thought about it and wondered if I do it. The first person that comes to mind is Michelle and I know you are familiar with her sitch. Her H was/is having an A but she has gone out with him some...and we all told her how wonderful she was doing. To be honest, I don't know if I can pinpoint the difference, other than how you two sound so different in your posts. I do think she is more detached, but to be fair to you I think it is easier to be detached when you are separated than in the same house. I just feel like he is taking advantage of you.
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I know my H has it made. I know that I am allowing it most of the time. It is like something in me can't control it. I have been taking care of him for 7 years.
I can completely empathize. I did this and I still do it to an extent. But THAT is why we say he is cake eating...not because you went to dinner with him....because he can do whatever he wants and he is reaping the benefits of the M without any of the responsibility.
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The Holiday Inn here in town has a hot tub. Doesn't that sound nice? I think they also have Kareokee, which I love to do!
That sounds great! I really think you should do this. The hot tub sounds wonderful and very relaxing. Kareoke sounds like fun too...you deserve to have some fun!!
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Still am meeting with the lawyer. I don't think H realizes that I am doing this. Should I tell him tonight??
I don't know, maybe someone else can chime in on this. It may not be a bad idea to let him know. He needs to know you mean business.
I paid for the movie and he paid for the dinner. I really had a nice time out with him this weekend and even got to see my old husband return many times.
Oh yeah, I meant to say that this is a good balance...I'm glad you didn't pay for everything
I hope you don't think I am being hard on you. I see a lot of myself in you. You are going to be ok! Good luck today! (((((((Sara)))))))
