I snoop. I see she's been talking to OM. I'm hurt. I fight with her. I call her a ho. I break things.
Why are the only two options here "1. Do nothing" or "2. Call her a ho and break things"??? There is a third way: learn to set firm boundaries, and practice loving detachment. So long as you operate from a position of emotional reactivity, you will not accomplish what you want. Can you work on your self-control, and read up more on "detachment," and get to a point where you can work more calmly?
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W made the final decision to D the moment I contacted her EA buddy to tell him to leave my W alone.
This is almost never true in cases of infidelity. It's almost 100% certain that that's what a wayward spouse will SAY to you if you confront them or expose their affair, but it's also b.s. It's a near certainty that she and her boyfriend had already long since discussed YOUR marriage's impending divorce, before you even knew what was going on with the two of them.
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If I want to save my marriage I have to avoid two things: --Make her feel guilty. --Validate her choice to regard me as an a$$h*le and to get a divorce.
I agree. The goal in confronting a cheating spouse about an affair is not to "make them feel guilty," it is to get them out of "fantasyland" as you call it and to begin to deal from a basis of truth. It is also to let them know what YOUR personal boundaries are, and what you're willing to tolerate and not tolerate. It's entirely up to them as to what they choose to do about it.
As far as "validating her choice to regard (you) as an a-hole," again, I agree. People in affairs will almost always try to pick fights with their betrayed spouses, so that they can get angry reactions out of you, so they can then justify to themselves, to their affair partners, and to friends and family "See? This is how he is. I can't live with this man!!!" So DON'T ENGAGE. Be the man of character and integrity that you seem to be. Be loving, but no "ILYs." Be kind and considerate, but don't pursue her or get all needy/grabby.
Kolle, I'd encourage you to think hard about the whole, vast gray area that lies in between confronting your wife with anger and name-calling, and passively being a doormat and sticking your head in the sand. The people that I've seen have good success on this board have been those that have combined all of the principles of working on themselves, "GAL," "being the better option," etc., WHILE establishing -- and enforcing -- firm boundaries.
