I don't think he's bluffing either. First, he wants to see my counselor to get the test results from my psych test that he insisted I take. (Incidently, I already got the results...he doesn't know that yet...and I DON'T have a mood disorder, personality disorder, or anything else he thinks, and I DON'T need medication). His idea is that we get these results, I get put on medication, and THEN we can work on our marriage. Well... seeing as how I don't need meds, I'm not sure that he'll want to continue with the MC. His statement, "either you have a mental illness, or you just choose to be a bitch".
Anyways, that lovely appt is scheduled for May 19. I have an appt the week before to discuss how we'll break the news to H that I'M NORMAL.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
His statement, "either you have a mental illness, or you just choose to be a bitch".
well.. you know you dont have a mental illness.... you MIGHT have a little work to be done in the second area, though
If you want counselling to work for both of you, it would probably help both getting there, and actually being there, if you acknowleged that second possibility to your H.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
he must be one heck of a man for you to put up with that kind of disrespectful talk.
I don't know. I think we all hear nasty things from the Alien. And as far as abuse goes, there are definitely things that my W has done that would be called abuse, things I could have called the cops for. But then the next day everything's great. I guess the deal is knowing that's not really her. It's the WAW MLC syndrome and all that. Thus the phrase "alien".
The hope here is, that our spouse will wake up and change. I know DB'ing isn't just choosing to get walked on, but it sure seems like it sometimes. But reading this board I'm convinced that even the worst situations have hope.
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
OK. H never comes over to the house except for his days off. Last night he calls at 2:45am and says he'd like to come over. OH man! First thing I had to do was get both kids out of our bed (h hates that I sometimes let them sleep with me). He was only 5min away, so I didn't have time to pick up the house or anything I would have done had I'd known ahead of time. So, I put the kids in their own rooms, and he comes over. He gives me a kiss and says that he has to dictate a report, but he'd come to bed shortly. He comes in about 30min later, and puts his arms around me. Lots of ILY, and then very good sex, very good. He wanted to cuddle as he fell asleep (seriously). So, I'm up on cloud 9 this morning at work. I call h to wake him up for court at noon, and more ILYs. Then, he pages me. I called back and he tells me how messy the house is. He found dried play-doh and a sticky sippy cup on the kids play table. He said there wasn't a room in the house that wasn't a mess. (HIS version of mess is quite diff then most peoples. Really, the house wan't THAT bad.). I'll admit there was laudry that I'd folded in the living room, but didn't put away, and he's right about the play-doh. I didn't know about the sippy-cup, but it's believable. Had I'd known that he would come over, I would have picked up a bit more. But, what he didn't see was how spotless both bathrooms were. I'd worked on those this last weekend. He didn't see that the sink was shiny and no dishes were out. His OCD is killing me! I'll NEVER live up to his very unrealistic expectations. Then he tells me... "I've told you before, if you need help with anything in the house, just tell me and I'll do it." HA!! He's NEVER volunteered to do housework...EVER. How about this...if you see dried play-doh throw it away! If you see a sticky sippy-cup throw it in the sink and grab a sponge! Why would I have to TELL you to help me?!! Why call me at work (believe me this isn't the first call at work complaining about the house)...don't waste your time calling me, I can't come home and fix it...just do it! And now, when he's not even living at home, he made it clear that I'm to do everything. (not that I didn't do everything before, but now I mow the lawn). He's always been willing to help?? Did I somehow miss that all these years? Where did that come from.
So, anyway, I'm irritated. If I'd known he was coming over, I would have picked up the house more.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Then he tells me... "I've told you before, if you need help with anything in the house, just tell me and I'll do it." HA!! He's NEVER volunteered to do housework...EVER.
Do you see that there is a difference between what he said, and what you said?
He said, "Ask me for help, and I'll help you".
You said, "He's never decided to help spontaneously".
What you did NOT say, was "I've asked him to help before, [in [...this...] specific way], and he refused to".
Last edited by Dom R; 05/08/0805:39 AM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
He had to take psych tests for his job. In fact, he took the same one I did (MMPI) which is why he won't take it again...he doesn't think he needs to. However, when he took it for his job, all the results were "yes, he's OK to work in law enforcement". No comments otherwise, no results. He admits he has OCD, but doesn't think he needs meds, nor does he think he needs to talk to anyone about it, or get help...I need to work around it. He doesn't like me talking about it either as he really doesn't think it's a problem.
Dom, good point. When he lived here I did ask him to help on several occasions, his excuse was always that he couldn't because he had to work that day...I WORK TOO! FULL TIME TOO!
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
- read up about 5-HTP, a supplement that is a precursor to serotonin. (The drugs they use for OCD also raise serotonin, but by blocking its breakdown; 5-HTP just gives you more of the building blocks to make it). I know a couple of people who have gotten improvement on this and fish oil; would H consider vitamins?
- Don't underestimate the beneficial effect of a housekeeper on a marriage. Just having someone come in once every week or two makes all the rest of the upkeep much more manageable. Saved my marriage for sure.
- remember that a major component of OCD is ANXIETY. He's not just being a pain about the house stuff; it makes him ANXIOUS when everything isn't in its place. Not saying you always need to cater to that; just trying to explain some of his behavior.
- if you want to read a really good book on OCD, read The Boy Who Wouldn't Stop Washing by Rappaport.
- First, ask him again to help you. And btw that does not mean saying, "I want you to help me today", but rather "I want you to [do THIS, THIS, and THIS] today", based on the stuff he's complaining about.
- Then if he refuses, tell him, "then pay for a house keeper; I work all day myself same as you do".
Then if he refuses THAT, tell him, "Then QUIT COMPLAINING IF YOU WONT HELP IN ANY WAY!!!"
And stick to that, consistently, each and every time he complains about it.
After about 5 times of that, he may eventually figure out that you mean it. Then either he'll shut up, or help.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
