So W did reply to my e-mail just before 4 asking if I could meet her at 8:45 instead of 9 b/c she had an appointment. I said sure in the reply and left it at that.
Around 6 her phone was calling me and it was D who picked up the phone and dialed me on her own b/c she said "she wanted to talk w/ Daddy, so she did." I was very proud of her and so was W. Anyway, D and I talked for a few minutes, then W was on the phone and we talked for over 10 of the 23 minutes of the call. W was nice and she told me about how tired she was from grading papers, how relieved she was that the semester classes ended today, how everything was hectic at work w/ the last day of classes, etc. I just listened and didn't comment when she threw in that her fellow teacher had W "proof-read some documents b/c she was getting a D." I didn't even look to pursue it at all. In fact, wasn't even tempted to do so. I couldn't have said that two months ago.
So, I just let W talk and I offered to be flexible w/ the pickup time tomorrow to make sure she wasn't late to her appointment in the morning. I still haven't asked what type of appointment she has and I won't be doing that one either. I'm feeling better about dealing w/ her. I'm sure this thaw will turn back into the ice storm soon, but I'm not getting too high or too low.
During the call, W told me they had salmon and asparagus for dinner and I commented on how she makes a wonderful salmon. W then said "when I was cooking it, I felt bad b/c I thought I bet you are really missing this." I told her I did miss it b/c she was a very good cook. It ended here, but isn't it a small positive that she was thinking of me when she was cooking tonight?
The call ended and then a bit after 7 I get the 1st of a series of texts from W telling me D had taken her down and her nose was bleeding. I texted back and forth w/ her to check on her nose, if D was ok and if she needed any help. W's last text said D was "freaked out" so I replied asking if I should call to talk w/ D.
Within a minute my phone is ringing and D is on the other end. When I picked up, D was brief, but very loving, and basically didn't want to talk. She tried to hang up the phone a few times, but W was in the background saying "No, no. Talk to Daddy." Eventually, D just gave the phone to W who then was talking to me for the next 10 minutes or so.
I asked her about her nose and let her talk about the story. We did discuss some things about tomorrow and the weekend and then W said something and I took a stab at a compliment that was borderline flirting.
W was talking about her nose being sore, probably swollen and bruised and said jokingly "so if I look ridiculously ugly tomorrow, its your daughter's fault."
I jumped on this and replied w/: "It would take a lot of work for you to be ridiculously ugly. Your nose may be bruised and swollen tomorrow, but you'd still be a long way from being ridiculously ugly. It would take a lot more than that."
I think she was honestly flattered and a bit taken aback. She very sheepishly thanked me for the compliment and I felt it was sincerely given. I may be reading too much into it, but I think she really liked what I said.
I didn't repeat it and I moved the conversation smoothly on to tomorrow's pickup and being flexible w/ the time. We were joking a bit here and there and it went surprisingly well overall. Again, for those of you who have followed me, DON'T WORRY. I'm not getting my hopes up as I know this is just one dip on the ol' roller coaster. However, I'd be lying if I didn't say it was nice. It will go back to all-out war from her end as soon as she realizes she exposed a small crack in her armor, so I'm fortifying the gates and should have the moat completed by morning.
The beautiful thing is tonight's conversations were w/ the W I married. That is the girl who has gone away. It is good to know she's still alive despite being trapped in another woman's body.
I hope you recorded these conversations too. Seems like this kind of friendly interaction would easily give the lie to her crazy claims.
It is nice when the real spouse peeks out from the alien, isn't it?
One question for you, though: - Do you think your wife is just truly amoral and Machiavellian (as one would have to be to deliberately tell these horrible lies about you just to win custody) or do you thin she's seriously abusing drugs (somehow methamphetamine comes to mind with the craziness of her lies)?
I am very happy that at least some of these exchanges of dialogue b/t you two have something other than hostilities to them. It sounded ALMOST pleasant.
You'd be wise to start cranking the draw bridge up now. I am sure you have already started to do so. Have a relaxing and happy weekend w/ D.
I am sure you are interested to see how much of a number Grace did on W's nose. That's funny just thinking about it. I think it can be said that she earned a punch in the nose. Perhaps it will have knocked some sense into her even if only temporarily.
RTL - You never cease to amaze me in how you hold out hope and take the high road. Most men would have struck back hard against her, but the course you have taken actually has the possibility for future reconcilliation or an amicable post D relationship with your W. I guess right now you can consider your W like a wild animal that is dangerous. You have treated her with respect and niceness. With time, she will lash out less and less at you. Eventually, she may allow you to pet her. I know - weird analogy - but it might make some sense.
I'd have to say that SPM may be more swording than shielding right now, but I don't blame him. I understand his situation too well as my boat seems to be in the same lake as his.
It isn’t wrong or bad to feel angry. It is an important emotion. Like jack, I agree it can be used as a sword or shield, I also feel that it can act as a vehicle, or at least fuel to take us from where we are to where we need to go. If we can channel it correctly it can be a catalyst for personal growth and development.
We all feel anger.
When my H said untrue things about me, I was as anger as an angry thing. Let me tell you I couldn’t sit still. It felt like I wanted to attack back. Instead, I went running, walking, exercising. I found that as the anger left my body a real understanding of WHY my H had said the things about me he had entered my body. I realised that his need to demonise me stemmed from his fear and shame. He misunderstood why I didn’t allow him in my home, he though I was hiding something and was concerned about our son. He felt shame for the way he had behaved and the choices he had made. He wanted to make me look bad to justify his behaviour.
I understood why he was doing what he was doing and no longer felt angry.
I went dark and gave him no fuel for his fire.
It soon burned out.
You know, it isn’t about suppressing or denying the anger, the feelings of unfairness or hurt, but acknowledging that, real as those feelings may be, they are simply causing more pain. Understand them and they will lose their power over you.
Nutty.
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
RTl your posts on this board would make interesting notes for your L. I am sure you realize your w accuses you of things , that if true, she would not speak to you or give you your D. Yet it is very obvious that anytime there is the slightest issue with D , she calls. Also, it is very obvious that she wants you in D's life and your help and support in raising her. Even with all her hostility, this mat be a good sign.When D does something W always finds a reason to call you, So, Om has apparently not filled that space in her life. She still wants to share things about D with you, not OM.Hope W starts to realize this and faces it before she destroy herself.She just may be very sorry if she actually gets what she asks for in the custody case.
Hey Everyone! Thanks for checking in. I was w/ D all weekend, so I didn't get a chance to post. I'll give you the update now before I leave for work and then I'll respond to some individual questions and comments later today.
So, on Saturday I get a call from W telling me she's going to need to be late b/c it turns out her "appointment" was w/ the delivery of her new couch and the delivery guys were going to be early. I said no problem and read the Sporting News while I waited. Around 9:15, W came w/ D and was apologetic. D and I then heading back to the house for the morning.
I had to wait around b/c I had sent out a child's rocker that used to be W's grandmother's to have the seat re-caned. It came back around 11:30 and looks as good as new. D had stepped on it about a year and a half ago and I'd always meant to get it fixed. I went over w/ D how the only thing that can be on her rocker was either her dolls or her rear. She understood.
That afternoon, I took D to a birthday party where they all were dressed like princesses and had their hair, make-up, and nails done. They were all so cute. After the up-dos, they had "tea" and finger sandwiches and then did super model struts and tours around the store. It was adorable. I had to run to the gas station to get a disposable camera as our old digital went to W, but I was able to get back in time and fire off some great pictures of D having a blast.
After the party, D called W in the car to tell her about her time at the party and we went to dinner then ice skating. We were going well at ice skating until D got a blister on her heel from the rental skates and we had to end our night. I came home, put some neosporin on the blister and we watched a Barbie movie before bed.
D got me up at 7 on Sunday and we hung out for a while watching Barbie again and I also let D paint my toes, nails and put make-up on me. I wish I would have had a camera to capture the moment, but I didn't. I need to buy one this week, so I'll have something ready to keep these memories. After my make-over, I cleaned up and we went to breakfast and then the zoo. We went from the zoo to swimming and then home for a quick bath before leaving to meet W.
W were a few minutes late and W wasn't friendly at all when we met up. She said nothing about fixing the rocker and really said nothing to me. D was sad on the drive to meet W b/c we talked about selling the house and she said she wanted to stay w/ me longer. D was saying she'd miss her house and she kept asking why she can only stay w/ me for a little while each time. I told her I'd see her soon and we're working on things. I got her to stop crying, but it has to be tough on her as well b/c this is her house and the only one she's ever known. I know it is hard on me to sell it, but I have to w/ all the bills piling up.
I called and talked briefly to D at 7:45. They had people over and D was playing w/ them, so she didn't want to talk at the moment. I didn't try to keep her from her fun, so I let her go.
I kicked back last night, drank two beers for the 1st time in a long time and watched "No Country For Old Men" before going off to bed.
I'll send W an e-mail today asking to take D this week and I'll see what comes back. Maybe venom, maybe nothing. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
Talk to you all later. I've got to get out the door for school.
My W has a big problem w/ alcohol as she's been drinking since high school. She denies she's an alcoholic, but she drinks a 1/2 liter of wine a day, so I think she's basically there. Her parents are both functioning alcoholics and I'm pretty sure growing up in that household had to have some effect on her.
I'm glad she isn't using anything worse, but her issues w/ alcohol are pretty bad and she'll continue to be angry, project her feelings on to me and others, and live in denial until she is willing to face her demons.
Hey, I'm surprised myself at how I'm able to handle this. At times I feel as if I need to throw in the towel, but ultimately I come to my senses and know I can't do that for D or for myself.
I am definitely preparing for the onslaught and readying the defenses while still trying to treat her w/ respect and dignity. She'll be really, really angry in the upcoming days and weeks, but ultimately if I continue to take the high road and treat her w/ kindness and respect, I may still have an outside shot of DBing. If not, then I should at least have a chance to have a decent co-parenting relationship w/ her for the future.
I agree w/ you and I'm much better at not getting so angry at W. However, I do allow myself to be human and feel when I am hit w/ the arrows that she slings my way - like the letters filled w/ hearsay from her parents and family. Those hurt. These were from my extended family that I still love very much. They treated me as one of their own and now they've turned on me w/ a ton of venom. I realize they feel the need to do so to protect their daughter and by not doing so, they'd be telling their blood member they think she's lying to them. However, it does hurt and stings badly.
What I am better at doing is not acting right away on my feelings. I fought the urge to contact her parents and family and tell my side of the tale. I allowed myself to cool down and sort things out before I even spoke w/ my L. I'm doing the same things w/ my W when she sends angry e-mails. I don't respond to her that same day, unless I absolutely have to do so. This allows me to be angry and work things out before I pop off to W and do or say something I will come to regret or that will come back to bite my in the rear.
This is where I've been able to calm my anger and turn it into understanding. It is difficult to do, but I've been able to pull it off thus far and it works.
