W and I are piecing but I need help with something. We do not live together haven't for over a year due to work ( both military). Had a big fight back in Jan and were not very nice to each other for two months. I asked for and got legal S from her in the beginning of Mar. First time in our troubled M I had ever pushed the D issue. During this whole time I've been telling her I dont want a D but I dont know what else to do when she won't apologize for what she says and does. Mid mar she goes online and meets a guy who is also separated and they start talking. Friendship lasted about a week before it started down the dating trail. We have since reconciled and she is ending that R but I have some issues with it.
W says nothing sexual happened and I believe her. Said she was his girlfriend and so she held his hand and kissed him and even slept in our bed with him but nothing else. Again I believe this. Problem is she won't really apologize for it she says we were S on our way to D and so I had no right to her at all. Because I believe nothing more than what we told me happened I want to forgive this but I can't seem to when she acts like its my problem and I need to get over it. I have so many problems with how this happened and I dont feel I can talk to her about it because she just tells me its me "not letting go" again.
If anyone has encountered something like this or knows of a helpful thread I would appreciate the assitance. Thanks
Me: 32 in OH Wife: 29 in MD Married: 4 years No kids Seperated 14 months
Did your wife and you have any sort of an agreement for how you'd handle dating others during your separation? If you didn't, then there's really not much you can do or say -- there's nothing to "forgive."
btw, why do you "believe" her when she says their affair wasn't physical? Even if it was, you guys can get thru this; there are ways to deal with the hurt and the resentment and the damage, if both parties are committed to it.
No, there was no agreement perse. And your point is well taken because that's EXACTLY how she's looking at it.
My point is that regardless of what was said or not, we were/are still married. I had an oppurtunity to do the same thing but chose not to out of respect for the M. I was a jerk in other was but I did not cross that line. Added to the very limited events themselves is the fact that it started so shortly after we were separated and while I was talking to her about second thoughts on my end. Point is, rational or not, the situation hurt me and I would like an apology as sincere as the one I provided her for what I did. I don't want to beat her with it or hold it over her, I just want her to be able to see it from my perspective. I don't need her to agree with how I see it, just understand and apologize from that direction.
And I believe her about the physical aspect because she doesn't lie to me, ever. Even when I want her to, she doesn't.
All that said, I can't let that be a barrier to a reconciliation. I love her and she's worth the effort on my part to let this thing go. What I was hoping for is some resources from you all about how I can go about that. Personal experiences or appropriate reading or something.
Started reading Gary Chapmans "Five Languages of Apology" and I would recommend it to anyone trying to forgive. I'm about halfway through it. It does a good job of elevating the power of the apology to it's appropriate place in a marriage. It has also helped me realize that W has tried an apology of sorts in her language, I just didn't hear it because it wasn't in mine. However, I don't think she could bring herself to say it in mine so there's still a sticking point there.
Me: 32 in OH Wife: 29 in MD Married: 4 years No kids Seperated 14 months
Bryan, Look up online - DAVID CUNNINGHAM- MAKING HER HAPPY DOT COM-It deals with EXCATLY your/our issues.. See they were/are mine as well.. Also I looked up "Jus Friends" as well.. Another great source of feed back on healing and regaining (R) with respect of ourselves and our (S)..
I have taken the bad of our (R) almost over-night (even with all our baggage) are achieving a more committed (R) THAN I EVER THOUGHT OR DREAMED POSSIBLE..
My thread- Can I post here..
Let me know buddy - Again-Just look up this information online-See if it can work for you??
I fell o the floor - With the strategy these resources provided.. Again- She is so busy with me - No time for OM..
It is the spark in her eye and desire for me - When we 1st met.. She is actually chasing me sexually around house and I her.. Not just that either- But regained the desire -That our (R) IS WORTH ANY/ALL work or answering questions that it takes..
Damn -I wish I had found it long ago?? Let me know your thought's..
Mark
M:43 G/F:45 R: 1 yr and 8 months
We all want to be loved... With someone who is in Love with You
Thanks Mark. I looked at the site briefly but will have to go back later and take a look when I have more time.
Well, things with me are weird. W and I just spent almost 2 weeks together on a vacation (the why behind that is a whole story unto itself) and it went really well. We got along great, were very close and didn't fight the whole time, something we've never been able to do.
But, and I hate to be negative, I noticed something. Before we went, she was understanding and caring and loving and totally the person I have been waiting for. And slowly, over our time together, she slowly fell back into her old ways. More judgemental, more sharp tounged, less apologetic. I didn't even notice what was happening until just before the 2 weeks was up.
I noticed a trend too. Whenever I wanted to talk about the R and was generally needy, she couldn't wait to get away from me. But the second I started ignoring her and acting like I couldn't care less what she did, she was all over me. I know this is a proven truth in these parts but it struck me as disturbing because it doesn't strike me as a healthy way to relate to your spouse. I mean, I don't want to play those kind of head games with my W. I want to be needy sometimes and not worry about her ignoring me as a result. It just feels like I can't be me if I'm worrued about how she's seeing me. Again, I know this is a well worn path around here, I'm just whinning a little to get it out.
I figured out last night that the night W's boyfriend stayed over at her house (she says nothing sexual happened and I believe her although they slept in the same bed) was the night AFTER I called her and told her I didn't want to divorce. We talked for about 3 hours and both cried. Talked about how it would work and what we saw that went wrong. Basically laid the foundation for the reconcilliation. So, when I realized that he had stayed the night after we talked, and she told me he was kissing her and tried more but that she stopped him, I was upset.
I called her last night to talk about it becuase Sunday is our time to discuss important things. We try to limit it to one day a week. She told me that we had already talked about it shortly after it had happened and then got really mad at me for trying to create problems in areas we had already addressed. I honest to God do not remember talking about this with her. I think what probably happened is that she told me he stayed the night and nothing happened but I never made the connection that it was the night after our talk but in her mind she told me. She also said she doesn't think I'll be able to forgive this and has no faith in me in that regard.
My problem now is twofold: I have a real issue with this guy sleeping in the same bed and kissing my wife after we reconnected. Makes me wonder just where in her head she draws a line and really reinforces so of the insecurity I have about where I belong in this marriage. And second, I have an issue with her getting mad at me for bringing it up. This is not an easy process for me, harder still because I'm not with her, and I don't need the added burden of her blowing up at me when I need to address something. Honestly, this wouldn't have been a big deal if she just wouldn't have gottten so pissed for me even talking about it. I wonder if there's an element of guilt in there making her hypersensitive.
