H is Having Affair after all - Part 2

[seekpeaceofmind]

I agree that there is a lot of crap in H's email - but you have to work with what is there. The way I tend to look at this is - if you choose to continue w/ DB - what is the way to respond that is most likely to contribute to a positive way of thinking or acting. Maybe not immediately, but down the road. There are many responses that will cause more damage, but not so many that will be building blocks.

[Evie]

Thanks Saffie & Seek.

I am glad you replied saffie - thank you, you have been perceptive before.

I'm confused now and don't know what to think.

I do believe that his actions are 'not' speaking to me. I so wanted to believe he was peeking out of his cave, he does hate confrontation.

Saffie - i agree he didn't give me the opportunity to sit down and discuss the issues. I think your right about him parenting the girls been a problem to him. When i have tried to talk to him before about this or say to him that you took us all on willingly, what if the girls didn't have a dad? he shuts down, he won't talk about it.

I still want to acknowledge that email. I never seem to do that I always prepare these replies and never send them. Why shouldn't he get a reply, reiterating a lot of what you point out Saffie?

The thing that upsets me alot, is the amount of time they seem to be able to spend together and that he prefers her to me!!
I think he is still seeing her.

Why does he blame me for the things that went wrong, is he not capable of seeing that the things are everyday problems that ALL couples face? I have lost count of the amount of people who have said they have said this too H. H just says the spark has gone. OK it's not lustful like it used to be, but why cant he see that it never stays like that, that love matures and yiu have to mature and stick with the problems. Its just so unfair. I agree with what he is saying, but it takes two and it would take two to work it out. I just wish he could see this.

I wish I could say enough is enough and walk away, but I can't at the moment and it is completely doing my head in. I go to sleep thinking about and its my first thought on waking. WIll this heartache ever end?

[saffie]

Evie,

All your reactions are normal and you shouldn't ever give up on your M until YOU are ready to. That wasn't what I was meaning to say by my post - I don't think that is how you took it either.

I just don't want to give you false hope. When we first started conversing on your M, you didn't have half of the information available to you that you have now. One still doesn't know if you know 100% of all there is to know. I just look back and see that nearly all the way through he has tried to avoid confrontation and has said enough to keep you as pacified as possible whilst his actions have all been those of a man running away. For quite a while, (prior to the known involvement of OW), I really got the feeling he was confused and just trying to get his act together. Now I think he may well be confused still but his actions don't make me think his 'act' is intended to involve you. I think he wants to keep you on side as far as possible,(life is much easier whilst you are compliant), but in a quietly determined way he is going to follow his own course - whatever you say to him.

I don't think that means the M is over as such - I just don't see a quick resolution. I think he is going to have to walk his path, (which may involve OW more), and see for himself that sparks/ excitement don't last and life gets humdrum again.

I'm rambling so I am going to stop but I guess in summary what I would say is I think he is blaming you still, and is not ready for reconciliation at this point - but that's just MY opinion. I do think there is a very good chance he may change his mind in the future but his head is too far up his a$$ at the moment.

[Evie]

LOL - Saffie, i think you are right. I can't get ow's face out of my mind when I think about H, her sauntering around me and smirking, like she knows so much about me and my life with H. Knowledge is power as they say.

You know i haven't taken offensive to your post - I trust your insight, i'm happy that you feel you can be honest with me and point out another way of looking at things.

I have worked on this reply (it's a little of everyone's input, but it summerises how i feel) - It's probably way too much, please say, add, comment:

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, I appreciate your honesty. While some of the parts in the letter seem a little untrue to me I do understand/share your pain over where we are now. However, I believe that families can (have) overcome much bigger challenges than ours and heal to be stronger than before.

You say you're sorry for the circumstances that affect every couple with children - kids, jobs, finances, lack of time together. I feel that you didn't put any effort into trying to get me, your best friend back on board, you didn't give me the opportunity to sit down with you and discuss the problems/issues we were facing.

Whilst you were out finding the time to have 'fun and spontaneity', who was at home babysitting the boys, running a home, a business and working full time? - all the time wishing for more fun and spontaneity herself with her husband?

The comments you make about D2 are very hurtful (I know what she is like to live with) however, you took us all on at the time, more than willingly and now I feel as if you have a problem with it, it sounds to me like your using them as an excuse to not be able to work on the M.

[saffie]

Is it worth just putting at the end something along the lines of......

"Having said all that, I would STILL welcome the chance to work on our M and a future TOGETHER. I would like us to grow old together. I do not believe things have gone too far to be able to recover them"

[Evie]

good idea Saffie.

Although I feel just like adding ' you have what you want H now; a single man's life free of all responsibilities and commitments'.

Lets not forget that he checked out of the M at least 4 yrs ago and has said for the past year that he DOESN'T love me.

[Evie]

My stars for today:

Have you been wanting to talk to your partner about something important, Evie? Well, it's up to you to make the first move. In fact, that's just what your partner is waiting for you to do. Take advantage of your day today to tell your partner exactly what you expect from him and to share some of your worries with him. You are someone who is lucky enough to know what she wants, but it's not always easy for you to tell other people what that is. Be strong.

So decided to take the plunge and have sent the email.

i expect i'll get an angry response from him.

[saffie]

Good Luck!!!!

[Evie]

Wow your up early saffie!!

I feel a little vulnerable saying i'm willing to give it a go? And as you said I don't think he is ready or wants a reconciliation. However, I felt I needed to respond and point out that i wanted fun just as much as him and that the everyday pressures do affect us all.

[seekpeaceofmind]

i expect i'll get an angry response from him.

Do you have a plan for how you will deal with that or respond to him if he confronts you?

I hope he just takes it in and does his own thing for a while, but it's good to be prepared either way.