Havent been over to your thread for a while, so I thought I would drop by and see what was up.
Quoting Sage: because perhaps to him, trying to make himself a success IS a sign of loving you (I say "perhaps" because I obviously don't know).
This is very possible LL. I know that hearing my W tell me she wants this, or she wants that, or this needs fixed or that needs fixed, really got to me knowing that we couldnt afford those things. So what did I do to fix it? I worked extreme hours at work to get overtime to pay for those things. Did I want to work upwards of 60 hours a week? No way in hell. Was it to help my family and my W? Very much so. Why? Because I love them enough to put out all that effort for them.
I worked at a job when we first got married that had great potential. Well being 20 and worthless (along with dealing with depression), I ended up getting fired. We lived in an apartment that was probably only 400 square feet. Do you know how worthless that makes a man feel? I sent out resumes and went to work construction for my FIL until I could find a job. Talk about hard times, hearing your W complain about not having anything and struggling with money at the time and having a feeling of hopelessness/worthlessness that I couldnt provide for my family "the way a man should".
I sent out over 100 resumes and got 1 f*cking call back. I went to an interview at this sh!thole of a place. They offered me 4 dollars less per hour than I had made before, and on top of that, it was a standard 56 hour work week, working 10 hour days and 6 on saturday. What could I do besides take the job. If not, we would eventually have had to file for bankruptcy. The place was a sweatshop. One where you cant even talk to someone in the next cubicle about anything non work related. It was dark and dirty in that office. I did it for one reason and one reason only, for my family. Not once did I get a thank you for my efforts.
Hopefully that explains how he might feel about his company. Of course I could be wrong.
You said something about H saying something to the fact of, this is just how I am. In regards to showing affection or doing what you want him to do. When I hear that statement (my W has made the same one), I hear, This is just how I am, because I dont give a ratts ass about making any effort to make you happy. Whatever! My W said to me last night as she was leaving me again, "You know how I am, I dont change my mind about thing." Whatever! Same bunch of BS.
Since we are supposed to be solution oriented, I think to myself, well what can I do to change that? How can my actions affect her in such a way that she does care enough to make an effort to change?
....and Im left clueless.
(I always appreciate your input on my thread. Thanks for all of your input over the past several months.)
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
Quote: Have you considered applying a systematic approach and DB'ing the heck out of this situation???? What you're doing doesn't seem to be working...what could you be doing differently?
I can never quiet tell if what I'm doing is working or not..or if infact it makes a difference what I do...it could very well be that h IS just busy and though he wants to be and do and all the things I want and need he simply isn't in a possition (work wise) to do so right now..but does on occassion show signs of being here.
Quote: What if you acted "as if" every hour that h spends working was a deposit in your love tank -- because perhaps to him, trying to make himself a success IS a sign of loving you (I say "perhaps" because I obviously don't know).
I try, I really do try to see his working so much as being an expression of love...thus the leaving the note in his lunch "I love and appreciate all you do for us", thus my making his lunch (I know if I don't he wont eat or wont eat well) I thanked him for sending the kids and I to florida...letting us have the wonderful experience as a benefit of his working so hard, I thank him by not complaining (out loud anyway) that he's not around because of work..by not adding extra stress by making a fuss when he's late...by helping out in the yard when I can...helping him to get it done..letting him know when he's got an e-mail from a customer...typing the response for him when he asks...
Quote: I'll reassert my suggestion that you get "Men are from Mars..." -- your "quote" about h (nothing i do is enough) is almost verbatim from the book. What if you went out of your way to thank him for the things that he IS doing?
I've watched a lot of his shows on tv..and actually have the book...I started to read it when h first came home..even read some of it to him too...perhaps I should pick it up again and stop wallowing...
Quote: 'm just wondering if shaking things up by doing some 180s wouldn't help....
it is h that has a hard time with being consistant...whether it's because of work or some other factors I do not know...I need to be as consistant as possible...if I start shaking things up too much it will only serve to confuse h..but I will say that I've started to once again get out and do my own thing...mon night I took off and went to see the matrix (alone) just because I needed to get out...h understood..thing is with him it takes a few days for him to "react.
Quote: You hold no hope,come on look at what you just typed.H called you and thanked you and even talked about family stuff.He is trying,I don't want to sound mean but it is a choice to let go of our feelings and to forgive.ou did something nice and he thanked you that is part of a caring R on both sides.
I am not saying that I hold no hope for this r..I'm sure we can continue this path til were old and grey...but will either of us be fullfilled?? truly having all our needs met?? this is the way things went before and look h had himself a fling...a friend...a whatever...that led him away..things can't stay this way..do I have hope things will change? sure...will I hold on to that hope...looking for it...waiting for it....nope...it will come when it comes...how I recieve it then will depend on then...
don't mean to be negative or put a bugger on the possitive outlook but the fact still remains that I understand that part of why h works so hard is becuase he wants to provide the best for me and the kids...he wants us to have it all despite the fact that we'd be happy with less...I know and accept that of him...I appreciate that he is such a hard worker...I accept that as his way of showing love...
BUT!!!
h was/is in love with ow and showed her a different way...the way that I want..the way that I need...he spent time with her...he went out to lunch with her..he was a friend with her..he was there for her...not just off making money for her or doing acts of service for her but giving her quality time...so then what is h's way????
then there's the question of was it a pa??? h says no...I sometimes accept that..but if it was a pa..well then there's both my love languages being spoken to ow...from a man who supposedly just isn't like that???
how can I fully accept that h is just the way he is..that this is the way he shows love..when he was showing a different love..the kind I want...to someone else???????
I know it was easier to make the qt for her...she was nearby during the day and he could stop in for a half hour here and there during the week...while I am at home...a distance from work and by the time he gets home he's tired...
I don't know where I'm going with this so I will stop...
I can feel the pain in your posts. I cannot imagine what you are going through. But, you are in a much better place than many of us. Some of us wish our Xspouses or spouses would come home and at least try. No matter what the "reasons".
I think a little more patience and maybe more you time might make H take notice.
When I read your first post on this thread, I could really relate.
I’m tired too. I’m tired of waiting for my W to see that I’m not the ogre she makes me out to be. I’m tired of tip-toeing around my desire for intimacy. I miss being able to talk about my feelings – good or bad, and listening to my W’s feelings – good or bad.
Without worrying about how those feelings will be received.
I wrote an email to W asking if she could possibly try. Just a little.
Before she read it, our darling DD#2 attempted suicide.
W and I aren’t even intimate enough to share our shock and fear.
So W shares her shock and fear with MF. Someone she can trust her feelings with.
And did that email ever make me look like a schmuck.
All I can say for you, LL, is that if you’re too tired to try anymore, maybe you really have to stop trying. Just don’t burn any bridges, OK?
Quote: All I can say for you, LL, is that if you’re too tired to try anymore, maybe you really have to stop trying. Just don’t burn any bridges, OK?
no desire to burn any bridges...just a desire to start living my life and not giving a damn any more that h is too busy to live that life with me..my only worry is the fact that I do want a male companion..I deservre a male companion..and not one that I should have to wait for...I am tired of waiting for h to not be busy...I waited and waited and become ok with waiting as hey I could easily ocuppy my time and fill my life with my children..but this sit has changed that....h made it known to me that I wasn't just waiting for him to not be busy with work..that I was waiting for him to sort out his "in love" feelings for another woman...while I thought he was out working hard all day he was spending time with her...grantide he will say the time he spent with her didn't effect the time he got home..but still...he was spending qt with another woman while I sat at home with his children (well then one child preg with the second) waiting for him to spend time with us...only to have him fall asleep...
now h is doing much the same thing...is it because he's working hard all day..is it because he's seeing her during the day?? I don't know...
thing is I can walk out the door as soon as he walks in...what time he walks in is unknown to me..could be 6 could be 7 could be 8...I never know...but I can leave when he gets here...oh as long as I give him time to get settled in...doesn't matter to him if I go out cause well...he's asleep anyway and would be happy to have me out doing what I want rather than sitting here watching him sleep...but then comes the trouble...LL will eventually meet someone who does have the energy to talk to her..to laugh with her..to live life with her...and then what..LL says no you must live in the stuffed boring life caring for your children and being there for your sleeping h because that's just the way it is???
there is not much here for me...
I have my home... I have my children... h just sleeps here!!
this m will be over in 5 years or less...no it may not end in d..but sadly we will end up one of those couples who are simply together for the sake of the kids...will I have an affair..can't say..opportunity isn't knocking yet...would it change anything in the r...certainly not...not as if the affections of another would distract me from h...and not as if h would even notice a change...will h have another affair...who knows...at this point who cares...maybe he should....one of us should be happy..why not him...h is so ignorant that he even passes up make up sex...I sleep on the couch...h doesn't care...I don't know what the hell kind of a r h is looking for but from the feel of it I think he's just looking for a "wife" a maid..someone to do the dishes...cook..clean...take care of the kids..and be around for the rare occassion that he wants to have sex...wtf am I doing here???? I'm tired of being called a basket case...I'm tired of being told I'm nuts...I'm tired of feeling like I don't matter..f him...I matter more than he does in this family!!!
I'm tired and I'm pissed off as usual...and now h is asleep in my bed!!! and I don't want to go there but I don't want to sleep on the couch either!!!!
why is he so damn stubborn...
why the hell did he even come home...this certainly is not what a r is supposed to be!!!
