Cake eating or progress?

[MaxP]

Hi Trixi,

Sounds like your holiday was really good and that things are improving with you, if slowly. I can understand your impatience, but remember what you have achieved so far and take the good from it.

Bye for now.

Max

[Trixi]

I would say, let him digest the previous 15 days, and put NO pressure on him at all. He may come to the conclusion that he would like to give things another try.

Agreed. In fact, I won't be too surprised if he pulls back some. (Combo of post vacation blues and his emotional confusion. I hope it doesn't happen, though.)

Even though I had no real inclination of it at the time, my wife said our 3-day trip to Seattle was a turning point. It was 2 weeks later that she asked to come home.

I certainly *hope* our trip has gotten him to thinkin'. We had such a great time; we had the one major disagreement and a few tiffs-- the great thing about the tiffs is that they were diffused within a matter of moments because we each maintained our sense of humor. In the "old days" we would each get too defensive and the tiff would end up being a full blown argument.

We're suppose to get together tomorrow night for dinner and a movie and then "get up early" to go 4-wheeling on Sunday. Very excited about that.

Minker'- do you think your wife would have asked to move home if you hadn't called that dinner the "break up dinner"? (It's so weird that Seattle was a turning point and then she is saying that she doesn't think it's ever going to work out for you guys..and then does a 180 from that.)

[Trixi]

Hi Trixi,

Sounds like your holiday was really good and that things are improving with you, if slowly. I can understand your impatience, but remember what you have achieved so far and take the good from it.

Bye for now.

Max

Heya Max! Long time no see!
How's things?

[MaxP]

Hi Trixi,

Good to 'see' you. Here's the 1 minute summary on my sitch / life!

Generally things are good. We are still working through separation issues - which basically boils down to me sorting out finances to buy my W out of the house. I haven't met her since the "it's over speech" last October, which is weird, but it makes things easier in some ways. Just when I think I'm doing great I have an off day or two, but I am certainly on the mend. Also mulling over whether to try to salvage a friendship from all this, since we appear to get on, or just walk away (at least for the foreseeable future). A lot depends I where I think I'm at.

Beyond the R talk I think I'm over medicated on my thyroid, since I am so tired all the time (you may relate to that). Work is good and my social life is suprisingly great. Also, I now have the option to live and work on the other side of the world should I want to go for it, so that's great too, but financially it will be tough to do and keep the house! My family support here is wonderful. As you can see, there's lots still to think about ...

Glad to hear that there are positive signs in your sitch and that your holiday was so much fun. How's life for you day-to-day wise? Do you feel good or is life too 'on hold'?

Sorry I dropped off the face of the earth for a couple of months. I figured I needed a break from feeling like I could save my M, since that is not going to happen.

Regards,

Max

[Trixi]

Heya Max-
interesting that you think you're *over*medicated- my doc said that being *under*medicated would contribute to me being tired and cold.
Regarding your question "How's life for you day-to-day wise? Do you feel good or is life too 'on hold'?" The answer to that depends on the moment, lol. Earlier today on the way to go 4-wheeling, I 'remembered' how long we have been doing this and that it looks like we're going to be living apart for many more months and I let out a big sigh. H asked why I sighed and I told him that I was having a moment of frustration and impatience re our sitch. Then he does a big sigh. I ask why he sighed and he said because I am impatient. Contrast that with after going 4-wheeling- we had a great time, he came back here and just left a little bit ago. I am NOT feeling frustrated right now. Go figure.

I *do* feel somewhat "on hold" - some of it is due to my living situation, regardless of what happens with my H.

Sounds like you are doing really well. What part of the world could you work? Could you rent out your house temporarily while in the other part of the world so that you could keep it?

[MaxP]

Hi Trixi,

That statement from your H is very telling and gives you a strong indication how things need to proceed for him to remain comfortable. I guess you probably have some leeway, but patience is in order. For the moment, make the best of both worlds, living on your own has some advantages to it. Remember, things could change and he may suddenly feel like speeding things up.

Looking at your sitch, it is almost as though you are recreating the first phase of a relationship, which is a really good time. Enjoy it! Also, you still have an R with your H. Many here would be over the moon to have that.

Regarding my stuff, my thyroid is/was overactive, I think yours was the other way. So taking too high a dose for me is the same as being under medicated for you, which would make sense. On the work front I have provisional permission to live and work in New Zealand, but that opportunity is time bound. The problem with the house is that after buying my W out, the mortgage will be quite a bit higher than the rental income which would leave a shortfall.

[Trixi]

I have never been to New Zealand and have no idea whether you want to go there or not, but if I were you, I would want to find a way to make it happen. Can you negotiate a little bit higher salary to cover the shortfall? If you rented the house with furnishings, would that help make up the difference? I know here in the states, if a place is sort of near a hospital, it's pretty easy to rent out a fully furnished house to traveling radiologists or relocating doctors who aren't ready to purchase. I suppose, though, the *real* question is: How interested are *you* in going?

Yeah, patience is in order...but I want it now! lol
I keep trying to tell myself that I am waiting for the harvest to mature and that if I try to eat the fruit too soon it will make me sick. Of course, he isn't telling me we will be together and it isn't time yet-- he is telling me that he still doesn't know what he wants and he doesn't know what is going to happen with us. It's harder to wait for the harvest, when you're not even sure if you're going to be in the orchard.

[MaxP]

Hi Trixi, hope you are well.

That is the question (about NZ) ... one that needs an answer. I'm too emotionally volatile at the moment to give a good answer.

Questions for you. Is life getting better? Are you enjoying things? Are you looking for other orchards? Do you want to shake the tree and risk the fruit dropping off (still could be a windfall there). Ok, too many poor analogies.

One final one, if he were to turn round and commit, would you trust him or do you need more time to rebuild belief too?

Max

[Trixi]

Well, Max, good for you for recognizing you are too emotionally volatile to give a good answer regarding NZ. Too many people just go off half-cocked instead of really knowing their emotional state.

To answer your questions-
Is life getting better? I don't know. The real estate market in my area has really taken a dive and I am stressing over that. I am also a little ticked off at being in limbo land and "wasting" all this money on rent, etc, when we could just be living together and making our marriage work.

Am I looking for other orchards? No. BUT- I also can't keep this up forever. I am a good partner and deserve more than what I am getting now.

Do I want to shake the tree? Naw

If he were to turn around and commit would I trust him? I don't know. I have been having a rough few days; lots of memories popping into my head of bad things that happened during his time of waffling; thoughts of him with those other women (whoever they were)(even though, he would say we were headed for divorce so it wasn't really cheating). We had such a great time in Costa Rica and he was SOOO loving, but now he isn't being 'as sweet' and I am feeling worried. Intellectually, I know most of my emotions are being created between my ears and not by anything he has done (or not done). I am feeling rather depressed right now.

Ultimately, I guess I will just continue to wait it out and see what happens. Just to add to the complexity, his (really messed up) son is now wanting to move in with him. So, my H will have a 25yo roommate AND a 21yo messed up son living with him. The worst part of about the messed up kid is that my H is trying to minimize the gravity of it. H has NO idea what he is setting himself up for. Of course, whether or not the kid is messed up, there isn't any room for me in the house and that sucks.

Wow- I am crying my eyes out right now- I am NOT having a good day at ALL!

[Trixi]

WTF?!?!

I had a feeling to check match. Awhile ago I checked and his profile wasn't there anymore. Today I thought to myself, "I wonder...." and lo and behold, there's his profile and he's been on in the past 24 hours.

I want to confront him on this-- after all, we are supposed to be exclusively dating without him looking for anyone else; but now this. I am so hurt right now.

OMG I feel like a total fool.

I totally want to 'wink' at him or something just to let him know that I know. Of course, I guess I would end up with the answer that I don't want to have. OMG this sucks. And we're supposed to go out tomorrow night and Saturday night- Saturday night is to Cirque de Soleil with friends, so I don't want to screw that up.

This is totally unacceptable. GAWD I am SOOOOOOOO MAD right now!!!!!!!

What am I supposed to do?????!!!!!!