Finding DB late in the game #4

[cw68]

Journaling:

Today was my H's birthday celebration day (actual b-day tomorrow, he's out of town for work). It went well. H enjoyed yoga, felt very relaxed after his massage, we all had fun putt putt golfing and going to the range. (Love my new clubs!) Then came back for dinner and my H's friends kept trickling in to wish him well. He was surprised and I think most of him liked it, though I think part of him was a little off at first.

Just a very picky little note here. As I said, I invited H's friends. One friend from college, but the rest are his friends that he's been hanging with the past couple of years. Two couples I am also friendly with, but mostly they are "H's" friends. We are pretty middle class. We do well, but not extremely well and are, for the most part, pretty smart and conservative with our money. "My" friends, and "our" old friends, drive mini-vans or other mellow, more family-oriented cars. Of H's friends tonight, one had children, that's the college friend. All the others are childless and the cars they came in were a Porsche convertible, a Mercedes AMG, Range Rover LR2 and his/her Ducatis. The front of our house looked like a valet parking area! These people are very nice, don't get me wrong, but our life just can't compare with these people's lives. It's very frustrating. One couple just got back from Italy, another from Scotland and another couple, who own a B&B in our area, is looking at buying a B&B in the South of France. Sorry H, but you are the father of two kids and the H of a SAHM. While the SAHM part may change if we get divorced, the rest won't and with child support and spousal maintenance, you won't be living these lives, even though they do sound enjoyable.

After the party and putting the kids to bed, H and I both melted down. He was very open for him, though that didn't mean he said much. H gave as much as he could and I'm very happy for that. I, of course, was a lot more open, but I tried to focus it on me and my feelings/growth, not our R or my expectations of him or our R. I did mention that while the end of July is pretty far away in some respects, I assumed that he was thinking about it like I was and that I am OK with him moving back into the guest room, that that was an option.

One of the big things I wanted him to realize is that unlike my thoughts of months ago, I know that things are not going to be "right" in an instant. That I know he's not ready to decide anything and that he may not decide to come back at all, but that I know he's showing me by his actions that he's working on us, that he wants us to work even though he can't just say words to that effect. I told him that he's safe with me, that he can upset me, make me hurt, make me angry and I'm still with him. He honestly hasn't ever felt that in his life before and he even said so in mentioning his relationship with him Mom.

So he thanked me for telling him that moving back into the house, but not moving back into our bedroom, is an option. I would really like to get rid of the apartment, but understand the need for space and that we needed this growth. My thinking is that if we can get to the point where we are all living in the same house, getting to the point where we are a cohesive unit would be easier.

Who knows. All I know is that we hugged and cried more tonight that we have in a while. I felt good in that I was able to realize what my H was feeling vs. just telling him what I thought he should feel. I was honest and open in my thoughts and desires (probably to an anti-DBing point, but nothing out of hand) yet I wasn't judgmental or critical. My hopes are that H can see that I have changed, that I'm not just posturing myself. I have changed. I've grown, I've expanded and I am a better person because of this and I told him so.

In as much as I wish this hadn't ever happened, it has been a good thing for me. I just hope it can be a good thing for us, for our family.