So I am a little frustrated at the moment. I haven't talked to H since Thursday night. I thought the night was good and then he had Friday night off...but no phone call or text. Today was the first time I have heard from him, and he just sent me a text that said "do you remember kevin that we used to work with?"..that was it. No hi, how ya doing...nothing. I said yes and asked why and he replied back that he had just seen him...then nothing else. How could he be so into it one day and then so cold the next? I know they always seem to pull back after you make some forward progress, but it just doesn't make sense to me.
At what point do we stop backsliding???? Maybe I am reading too much into it and he is just tired, but it is just weird. I did a lot for myslef this weekend and went out with friends. I actually had a great time. H is depressing most of the time and I always feel this stress to make sure he is having a good time. I am sick of that. I know it isn't my job...but he seems to have a way of making me feel like it is.
I just don't know how much longer I can deal with this back and forth stuff. Sometimes I feel like I am wasting my time. I want things. I want to have kids one day. I am afraid I am going to wake up years from now and we will still be doing this same dance. It isn't good enough for me, I want more. Sometimes I wonder if I am fighting for my marriage just because I am stubborn and I don't want to be divorced. H is no longer the man I married.
Sorry, just needed to vent...and I am having a down day
Hey Kris. Sorry you are having a down day. Hopefully my thread made you laugh.
I think there is a dance so long as they question their choice. I think at some points there will be wholehearted connectedness and they will feel certain they are doing the right thing.
But just like you have doubts, I'm sure he does too. So, perhaps he is reflecting on all the time you spent together.
More likely, he needed to catch up on laundry and wanted a little time to himself. I think that is a balance that will be there forever, but as the R improves you won't feel like it has anything to do with you or see it as hesitation on his part.
For now though, the wounds are too raw.
(((Kris)))
You have seen an amazing amount of steps the last couple weeks. Give him a few days to himself and I'm sure there will be more great days to come.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Well, I actually went to dinner with H tonight. I texted him something about dinner and he called to say he wanted to go, so I met him when he got off work.
When we were leaving the restaurant he said "well, this was a nice surprise, I'm glad you asked." I told him that I wasn't sure he would go as he hasn't called me in a few days. He told me that he just needed some time to himself and that I needed to quit analyzing everything. He is right, I am just not sure how NOT to analyze everything.
Here is a problem. I don't trust him at all. I imagine him talking to OW. He is on myspace ALL the time. Then when we were in the parking lot we were standing by his car and there was all this stuff written on the back of it (it is filthy!)...and I said...what is all that written on your car? He said "oh, I hung out with this lady from work and her kids were just playing around writing stuff." WHAT???? Hanging out with a lady from work and her kids??? I'm sorry, I just can't handle that considering what we just went through.
Hey Kris. Sorry you are having a down day. Hopefully my thread made you laugh.
I didn't see your post Michelle. Thanks, yes your thread did make me laugh
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I think at some points there will be wholehearted connectedness and they will feel certain they are doing the right thing.
I hope so.
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More likely, he needed to catch up on laundry and wanted a little time to himself. I think that is a balance that will be there forever, but as the R improves you won't feel like it has anything to do with you or see it as hesitation on his part.
You are right. I am ok with this balance and I know it needs to be there...I love time to myself, so I understand that. I am just a little insecure still.
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You have seen an amazing amount of steps the last couple weeks. Give him a few days to himself and I'm sure there will be more great days to come.
YOu are right again...I will try to remember this.
That's funny that he said almost the same thing about wanting some time to himself.
I'm sure your book has better advice on trust that I can give. But do give it time. He needs to earn your trust but you also need to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Maybe in a month or two you might want to share some pieces of wisdom from your book and have a R talk about what he needs to do to earn back your trust. But for now, I think time is still your best friend. You are spending some good QT together and that can only be good for the R.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Kris, This isn't a very fun ride, is it? I totally understand where you are coming from with the trust issue, it's hard to trust them until they make themselves totally transparent. My H isn't there yet either.
I do see great strides in your relationship. I do think your H is trying to come back, but he is still in his fog even though it's not quite as thick as it was.
Patience has always been such a hard thing for me, but take it from me, your patience will be tried and tried again during all of this. I don't think right now is the time for you to throw in the towel, I think he is trying, but he isn't quite there yet.
I think what you need to do right now is to find something that will take your mind off of him. Let him come to you, believe me I know how darn hard this is, but I'm just speaking from past mistakes. Do you have a hobby, friends you could do things with, maybe a good book or movie? Find something to occupy your time.
Give him time to miss you. He'll call you...
Hugs, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
That's funny that he said almost the same thing about wanting some time to himself.
Yes Michelle, you usually are right
Thanks Yoyo. I just don't know if I will ever feel completely comfortable with H again. It feels like I will always have my gaurd up. I know, we have come a long way. When I think about how things were with us back before Thanksgiving...I cringe.
Patience is the hardest part for me. I just want to get on with my life one way or another. Another piece of this puzzle is that I am living with my mom. I love her to death...and I am sure this is no picnic for her either...but I feel like I am in highschool again. I haven't lived at home or even in this town for 10 years, so it is a huge adjustment. I really need a place of my own, but until the house sells I can't afford it. I am really resenting H for having his own apartment and not helping me with the house. It isn't fair...but I guess life isn't fair.
I do have things to do Yoyo and I do a pretty good job at keeping myself busy. I think that is part of my problem too. I see how much less stressed I am without H. To be honest, I have more fun without him because he is cynical, bitter, and depressing!
Anyway, I am ok...I am just confused myself. I worry sometimes that H is just working on it to prove to me that he isn't a complete jackass...and not because he really wants to work it out.
Hey Kris, I checked out "Not just friends" from the library this weekend. I have read parts of it, and you were right...it is very helpful. It sort of puts things into perspective and helps me once again realize that the way I am feeling is valid and not crazy.
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
