I have to let go of h

[sage]

there have been many times when I've thought very sadly over how much of himself h seemed to offer to ow. parts of him that I've wanted so badly to see -- the chatty side, the share my dreams side, etc. I don't know what it was about her or what it is about me that makes things so different...maybe it's just that it's far easier to have the fantasy when you're not seeing each other in dirty clothes or scratching your armpit or picking ones' teeth or whatever. maybe it's the mortgage and the food shopping and the ...whatever. or maybe there's some part of what goes on at home that shut my h down. he's talked more than once about wanting a "clean slate" -- don't know if that's to undo his mistakes or mine or both.

Have you read mars and venus? You may feel too tired or distraught to read it right now but I gotta say that it has really helped me put some things into perspective. I knew all along that the way that my h preferred to deal with issues -- the whole retreat into the cave thingy -- was the total opposite of how I deal with stuff -- what I didn't know was that it was not just HIM -- I'm not making sweeping gender generalizations here...oh, wait, maybe I am. Anyway, it appears that my h is at least partially from mars... and I might have handled things very differently if I had known how important some of this stuff was to him.

LL -- I'm not trying to talk you out of your sadness or your hurt. I can see that you're not getting what you need or want. I don't know if it's "findable" at home for you -- or if you need to seek it elsewhere. I can relate to how unhappy you say you were pre-A. I was unhappy and angry too. Now that h seems "back" with me, sometimes the same hurts and resentments and fears creep back in. BUT, I have seen that DB'ing can slowly erode some of the issues. When I suggest re-DB'ing your M I'm not talking about "doing the same old same old" -- I mean start from scratch, get new goals, beginner's mind, all of that. I don't know..

Sage