Drowning still - 23 years, feel like I am sinking

[ping1]

CBK, I can tell you that I am 5 months into this mess and just only 3-4 weeks ago is when I finally stopped seeing something on TV, hearing a song, seeing families together that it did not make me feel like crap. I have since been able to watch TV and the radio and not think about what is going to happen 24/7. Don't be as bad as me and take 4 months to get to this point. I realized once I stopped talking about the R is when these feelings started going away. Of course now I have the seperation papers in my hand so I am trying to compose myself on what i will do next. I guess that's why W was being so happy lately, she knew the papers were on there way to me. It's a crying shame that we have to be here.

[CBK]

Thanks Ping, that does help. I hope to get on my program sooner than later. I feel as if time is slipping by my actions. I want to hop off the pity train!

I can't remember who's thread I was reading tonight, but talked about hope vs expectations. I have always been hopeful, I just need to get rid of expectations. For instance, I am hopeful W will call tonight, but no expectation. I won't be hurt if she doesn't, but am hopeful she will. Does this make sense?

Long day with very little sleep, but nice to have dinner with a friend who has no idea what is going on in my social life. A big hurdle for me was that I actually ate a full dinner!!! Yea.

Going to watch a movie on HBO "Fantastic Four and the Silver Surfer" or something like this.

I am slowly getting back to a better place. Need to start getting my plan and act together. Any suggestions or thoughts will be appreciated. It is easy when I am "on the road" but also understand this was a huge issue with W... but can't worry about that right now.

I guess the interesting roller coaster I am on, right now, I feel there is all the hope in the world (but being realistic) for us to work this out. I have many months, and I mean many for us to work on this.

Hard part for me is trying to figure out my "old self" that attracted her. I was very "simple" if you will. I had either jeans and cowboy boots or sweats and tennis shoes! I used to be this "rugged" guy in many ways, drove a truck, fished, hunted, etc. and now drive a convertible SAAB and where suits... hmmmmm Wonder if I could get a flannel suit! lol

Well, will keep checking the boards tonight as I watch my movie,

Getting to a place called peace,

CBK

[CBK]

Just journaling a bit to keep my mind off of sitc', or maybe keep it on the sitc' so I an really think about what I should be doing. No call, email or text, but am okay with this. MIL is having dinner at house with family which is great. She used to come over every Sunday, I am bummed I am missing this actually. I started this about a year ago after the kids left and thought it important to spend time with MIL. Oh well.

I keep replaying last night in my mind, man, did I screw up. Can't take back the past, can only improve the future - of course, you have all heard that before! I need to stay where I am, stay "dark" on this trip, no matter how difficult it will be. Tonight will be the toughest as yesterday was so emotional.

Staying strong - CBK