Patience is key

[CBK]

Addie, I would say this is sign, a good one. I like your perceptions about the conversation - you are right to question things, especially if they really didn't pertain to you. I will bet you are right, these were about the OM and a possible blow out they had.

Your answer was perfect, lots of hard work ahead of both of you. I guess I would also ask him what he needs and write them down - this shouldn't be a total one way street. Just my opinion. I don't think I would like if W asked me for a laundry list of stuff that needed to change, we both need to change and would "personally" rather have a conversation and write them down together. I would have the list in the back of my mind though. Again, just my thinking.

I am happy for you Addie, keep it up and go slow.

CBK

[Kalni]

addie,

you excellent approach and attitude has brought him closer. Of course he is afraid of how things will turn out if he did come back, I am sure you are too. You were amazing the way you handled the convo and yes I agree he was trying to figure out something with that line of questions that had to do with the OW.

I know you want clear actions from him but please make sure your list is optimistic. He needs encouragement that HE IS capable of doing the right things. Maybe next you talk give him some exmaples of things he previously did that you think were great?

Take care
K

[ping1]

Addie, you are doing so good, your H continues to come around. I see a bright future for you. You are an inspiration for many on this board. Keep us posted on all of the latest happenings.

[addie]

CBK, Kalni, Ping thanks for the encouragement and the advice.

I'll take a few days to think about the list and then give it to H. I know the next while will be very stressful as H is out of a job. He'll become even more depressed. I'm sure the rollercoaster will continue for some time.

[stella_k]

Addie,

great job, as usual! The way you handled the conversation was perfect. And - you set your boundaries!

I agree with CBK, you should ask H to write a list too. His list may shed some light on the odd convo he had with you.

[addie]

BACKSLIDES:

H came by yesterday first unannounced to work out in the exercise room in our building. Seemed very distant most likely because I said a couple of things when he called earlier about him being very idealistic which has caused him to never be happy. (1st backslide)
Then he came back later in the afternoon to play with S as we'd originally planned. He also invited himself for dinner. He was distant the whole time - kept going into the bedroom (to check cellphone I think).
He left about 9 pm gave me a hug. I hugged him back and without even thinking kissed him on the cheek. He hugged me a second time before he left.
After he left I really got the urge to ask him what he meant by his question whether I ever felt I needed to get drunk to have s&x. I just wanted to know if he was referring to me when he asked me that. So I called him on his cell after 11 pm to ask him that. I have not initiated a call to him in a couple of months unless I was returning his call. When he picked up he was very distant, giving only one word answers and trying to get rid of me that we'd talk about it tomorrow. So I asked him if someone else was with him and why was he trying to get rid of me. He said he'd been drinking. So I said to him that the first thing I would need from him in order to try and salvage the M would be for him to end all contact with OW, no phone calls, emails and that he would somehow need to prove to me that it was over. I said there's no point in discussing ways to salvage M if there's someone else in the picture. He said he'd need to think it through and talk to me about it another time and we ended the call.

He's been coming to church with us the last several weeks but not today. He just called to see if he could come over to play with S and I told him he could while I was out, that I had plans and that when I got back I was taking S out.

The rollercoaster continues.

Stella, thanks just saw your post. I didn't do so well this time.

[stella_k]

(((Addie))),

backslides are inevitable, don't get too upset. You were getting so many positives, but also so many mixed messages, no wonder you felt like clearing things up a little bit. Don't worry, MLCers have a very short memory and H sounds like he is very much in the fog still. He will be distant for a day or two, it's normal. Keep DBing your best Addie-way, stay calm and positive,and you will see the results.