H is Having Affair after all - Part 2

[Evie]

LOL- while we continue to 'fake it until we make it', look serene and beautiful, learn new skills and tools and come out on top with integrety intact and with great dignity......

any advice on how to word this letter?

i'm sorry for us to be here, but I don't think i would be where i am without my friends on the BB.

why did your h leave his ow?

[LL44]

any advice on how to word this letter?

I am not sure. Probably brief (they don't focus well) and to the point.

****
Thank you for communicating with me, I appreciate your honesty. While some of the parts in the letter seem a little untrue to me, I don't want to talk about the past anymore. If you are set on the divorce, I will not fight you. I don't want it, but won't fight you. I need to move on, and take care of myself.
****

I am sure others can add/delete/edit it to make it so much better.

why did your h leave his ow?

Don't know all the facts, but I believe she pressured the heck out of him (oh she was horrible, wanted to have sex in my bed, wanted to go to school functions with my H, making me drive by myself, wanted to take my kids on vacation and hand me a photo album upon return). My H wouldn't do any of these things to me. I believe she used other men to make H jealous and it just made him realize what he got himself into. Mind you, I don't know everything that happened, never asked, just got info from H and OW's H. She is crazy. My H is probably dating now that we are separated but I don't ask.

[Evie]

thats so hard, 1 ow is bad enough, but dating others!! wow, you are strong also..do you remember what my friend posted to me about unconditional love? I cant find it right now, but it applies to you too. At least your h could see how destructive that ow was. He sounds like he has respect for you and that i'm told is part of love.

Thank you for the letter advice. I didnt want to mention the d word, if thats what he wants then he needs to do the work. Actually a week ago he mentioned it and i said then it wasn't what i wanted and he said 'ok, we'll go for a 2 yr seperation then'. Some things he says, he sounds so final about. A friend also told me he was planning a future with her. The i get that email on friday.

[LL44]

I hear ya about the final thing. It was a huge OUCH when H said last week "This would be over so much faster if we could figure out the house". Super OUCH.

In OW's respect, yes, H did his best to elimate the hurt. Truly he did. But I will admit I was devastated when he ended it, still wanted out, then starting 'talking' to other women.

Funny the more I mention D now, H shys away from it. I use the word, and he balks. I mention anything about our separate future, and he changes the subject.

[Evie]

sounds like he's not done either! But why mention getting the house sorted? Is it maybe that he wants his own place? What are you doing? are you LRT?

[Jen_Jam]

Eve - it might be that your h cannot forgive himself right now, so he expects you to not forgive him. He may feel that he has crossed a line and there is no going back, but it is he that has decided this. You and he got together as you had an A with him, right? Maybe he believes an A is the end of an M.

Thinking on letter wording too ...

[Evie]

Hey Jen,

How are you? How are your piggies?

Your right, we did get together b/c i was married and had an A. Also his mom had an affair/affairs and his dad left his mom and they got divorced.

What can/should i do?

[Evie]

what if h is really saying that 'I used to be his best friend, used to be the one he wanted to give everything to etc etc' but now i'm replaced by OW?

[seekpeaceofmind]

Hey, Evie. I don't think you have been replaced by OW. How could you be? Really. You are offering depth and commitment and unconditional love. If he is still seeing her, it is just a cheap high.

I like the kind of wording lwb suggested - I think it is important not to get into a right/wrong kind of response. I wouldn't acknowledge all of the negativity in his email - you can deal with that later. So - I wouldn't say, "yes we got boring, but that was b/c of all of these responsibilities." I would just thank him for sharing his thoughts, say that I understand/share his pain over where things are now, and believe that families can (have) overcome much bigger challenges than these and heal to be stronger than before. I really like the part in lwb's suggestion about not wanting to dwell on the past, but focus on the present.

I don't know what a dobson letter is?

[saffie]

Evie,

I was in two minds whether to reply or not but I have decided to.

I don't want to rain on your parade but I think that email from your H was full of selp pity. To me his sorrys felt hollow. He was sorry for the circumstances that effect us all - kids, jobs, finances, lack of time together. Instead of try to do anything about it he used even more of his precious time to go have a R with OW. I don't see where he put any effort into trying to get his BF, (you) back on board. At least my H did try talking to me for quite a long time about us before he went and had his A; I just wouldn't listen - you never had that opportunity.

Words are cheap compared to actions. His actions are opposed to his words - don't get your hopes up. To me that email smacked of 'How can I get her to back off without having a row?'

He said things like 'Maybe it was all my fault but I was always told that it takes two'. I interpreted that as saying that it could be me but it's not, it was your fault too - not much of an APOLOGY.

As a family he could have requested you down size your outgoings before - you still could do and survive. The comments he makes about your D2 are very hurtful and it sounds like he is going to use her as an excuse to not be able to work on the M. Infact all he does it put up barriers. IMHO that was a 'woe is me and let me try letting Evie down gently' email, with the odd hidden jibe thrown in. I don't see a guy wanting to change. I see a guy saying whatever he thinks it will take to get you to do what he wants - he just hasn't found the magic formula yet so he is keeping trying.

If anyone is angry I believe your H is. Parenting your D's seems to be sticking in his throat and I think he will need help to get past that. He took you on, kids and all, and now he has a problem with it.

I'm sorry I am so negative about it but honestly that is how I read his email. Normally I would try to spin on the positives but for so long now your H's actions have not followed his words.

(((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))

saffie