My D had a boyfriend like that - now she's gay!!! She got tired of waiting for him to get his life together, and eventually started to feel like he was an anchor in her life - maybe your D will come to that same realization. (She probably won't become gay, though!)
AS for D moving out - try to separate out your empty nest issues from the other issues, okay?
- I wouldn't cut off her insurance. It's protecting YOU from having to help her out if she gets in a bind. You'd continue that if she was off to college anyway, wouldn't you? So don't "punish" her with that.
On the other hand, if she lives with BF, I'd stop all other financial support. If she wants to be a "grown-up", let her take it on fully. Let her take ownership of her life. Let her pay her car insurance and expenses, grocery bills, clothing bills, etc. As for college - I know many parents who would say they wouldn't pay for college expenses if she's living with BF.
Consider that part of this may have less to do with wanting to live with BF and more to do with a natural urge to move out and be independent. Can you offer her some alternative that would meet that need without her living with him? Help her move into a small apartment of her own? Maybe she will hear you if you tell her that relationships at this age have ups and downs, and it's important to have your own place to go back to if things are in a bad place.
As for the help at home issues - it's not really fair to saddle her with that responsibility. She would have been leaving home someday anyway, so why not do now whatever you would have done then? How about offering her room to a college student - free rent in exchange for lite help with Ryan? Could be a good deal all around.
I'm dealing with similar issues with my two youngest right now - D17 moving to Portland for a "gap year" before college with her girlfriend. I'm fine with it but she has to get a job and finance it herself.
