Help Me Act AS IF, Part 5

[newnamenewlife]

Last night I went with a friend to a school auction--only for parents, no kids. It was a lot of fun but it's so weird to be going everywhere without H lately. Everyone, it seems, is married. I get these little bursts of excitement at the the thought of being single and dating again, but then my heart sinks when I look at what's out there when you're my age--married men (not going there), divorced men with ex-wives and kids and their own sagas, and never-married men (gotta wonder why). I just feel profoundly lonely and pessimistic on the future-relationship front. Also, my H isn't super handsome, but he's very fit and has a full head of hair and is pretty cute compared to what the other men his age look like (I know, I'm shallow.)

I came home and H was in bed. I just wanted so much to tap him on the shoulder and say "c'mon, let's just kiss and make up," but of course I wouldn't have dared. I miss skin-to-skin contact; it's hard to lie there and no be allowed to touch him at all.

Many of my friends think he's going through a phase and will come around, but from what he says, it seems highly unlikely. They all have stories of guys they knew who went through this and came back. So that gets my hopes up.

On the other hand, of course I deserve more (H tells me this too, which burns me up.) I just don't want to lose my M and break up our family to get it. I'd rather grow the green grass right under my feet, as they say.

Another issue H&I discussed the other night: When should he move out? I think ideally it shouldn't happen until our D11 is at her new school and settled there, so that everything in her life is not changing and new/unknown all at once (she's also going to sleepaway camp for the first time in July. She is a major worrier and I think tossing our S into her life at the same time as she anticipates the new camp/new school stuff would be too much for her.
H agrees in theory, not sure what he's going to do though. If we go with that plan, that means several more months of living like this, which is getting really hard. And then it'll be right before the holidays, which is too sad too. So does that mean we stick it out until January?

Sometimes I think making that kind of plan would be easier to live with than me wondering when the other shoe is going to drop.
Any thoughts?