Drowning still - 23 years, feel like I am sinking

[sgctxok]

OK...step back. It will be ok.


Begin -- again -- with the mind of a beginner.


How did you fall in love to begin with. What makes her happy? What makes you happy?

[CBK]

I wish I could step back. I am not sure if the board is serving me well sometimes as I read other posters and their sitc', I go downhill thinking I am not going to be a stat... then mind will race off to some other place. Yesterday was, in some ways, pretty good up until 9 PM my time. I scared my W, not that I would hurt her, because I was so hurt and angry, I would hurt myself, which would not happen.

How did we fall in love with to begin with - so long ago, I try and remember, but we just did. We were so comfortable together, didn't even have to think around her. As I have said, we got lost in our M, quit doing things together, got wrapped up in kids and work. I feel now W has made up he mind, that she just wants to be alone - there is no "us" any longer. This is so difficult to wrap my head around. I know it was unravelling before she asked for the S - but literally, 5 days before, she said "I love You" and iniated sex. Over the weekend, she read two books, one said go, the other said stay. I can't figure out why we never worked together on our marriage... now when we have the chance, she has checked out.

As we all know on this board, the pain is deep, but the wounds will heel someday. As Sandi has said, I can no longer wear my heart on my sleeve, it is killing me.

I guess another difficult for me is that when we are in a social sitc', W doesn't even acknowledge me! I think this is what set me off yesterday. At the party, we didn't know a lot of people, she actually knew way more than I did. So we sat down with our friends that were throwing the party, she would not even involve me in the conversation. There were only 4 of us sitting in chairs, and it was obvious that she did not want me a part of the convo. What gives with that? I guess the more I stewed about it, the more irrational I became.

How far I set myself back, I have no idea, if this M doesn't get back, I have nobody to blame but myself as I cannot even do the simpilist of things.

I am so bummed again, can't sleep - it is 2:15 my time - I guess I got 2 hours in - thank God I have a plane today, I may be able to sleep on it.

Not sure what to do about the message board, may need to go dark on this for a while until I get my head straight.

Feel like I have totally drowned...

CBK

[john210]

CBK,
I just read your posts from last night. I tried to think back at how I was one month after bomb. You got the double wammy bomb followed by OM. I really feel for you but you have no choice but to get a hold of your emotions. I am so glad that you are leaving the house. The time away will do you some good. You need to really concentrate on yourself while you are with your friends. I would suggest total darkness as it pertains to your W. Not for DBing purposes but for you. To be quite honest I don't think you are ready to DB....you are chasing continuously. I am not bashing you here....we all did it to varying degrees. The positive in all this is you are in the early stages of the battle and have found the book and board rather early.
Maybe you should go dark from the board for a while.....take the time to go dark from your W also.....you need to detach.
I am sorry if all this sounds like a cliché. Things will get better with time but you need to really get a grip of your emotions around your W especially.
Have a good trip!

[ping1]

CBK, I agree with all that John has said above. In your post you stated that if this marriage doesn't work then it is your fault. Sorry buddy but that is not the truth. It takes two people to make the marriage work and if your W isn't willing to put any effort in on her side then it will be her fault, not yours. Don't put that kind of pressure on yourself.

I know you are getting ready to get on a flight, go and have fun, get your mind of your sitch for a while, it will help you. Maybe this will give you time to think about how you can begin to detach and act as if. This is what you really need right now. The emotions are still running strong on your end, as you are so new into it. Believe me, many have walked your shoes and continue to walk your shoes on a daily basis, you are not alone. It will get easier.

Have fun on your trip.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

CBK,

I agree with the others as well. Nowhere have I advocated having what you call "the Puppy conversation" when you are ANGRY. Whether you do classing DBing or DB/GAL with a more agressive exposure/boundary-setting approach, EITHER needs to be done from a position of calm, detached strength and resolve.

You're simply not there yet.

You're setting yourself up for much of your pain. We tell you not to go to the BBQ, but you go anyway, and then it kills you that your wife doesn't treat you the way you expect to be treated, even though there's NOTHING in her behavior that isn't just classic affair "script." You initiate R conversations when it's probably the ONE thing that ALL of us can agree on around here!

Use your time away to gather yourself and get a game plan. That gameplan can be as aggressive -- nor not -- as you are comfortable with, and we will all try to help you regardless of how you decide to play it. But you're simply far too REACTIVE right now, and you're lobbing self-inflicted grenades into the marital relationship at a time when you need some detente.

Manly "Sopranos"-style man-hugs,

Puppy

[CBK]

Thanks all - really appreciate the thoughts.

You are right John, I need get a hold of my emotions. I find myself so close sometimes, but then they get a hold of me instead. You are right, six weeks or so ago, W was telling me she loved me and we were intamite. Then kaboom, bomb 1, then kaboom, bomb 2.

I agree need to go as dark as I can with W - last night set me so far back, I thought I couldn't go back any further, but I found a way.

Puppy, you are right, never do anything why I am angry. The OM just eats away at you like a cancer. She did say last night she will not contact him again or take calls from him. I want to believe her, but who knows. She basically said that she would not contact him until we are done... well, that kind of summed it up.

I also agree that I am setting myself up - you think this is bad, wait until next weekend... W invited my mom up for a concert - so W, D, MIL, and M will be going to a concert next weekend and my parents will be staying with us over the weekend and we are doing a Mother's Day BBQ at our house, and my sis is coming down with her 4 kids... Recipe for disastor. I figure I have 5 days to get a grip on my emotions.

I keep telling myself time is on my side - maybe so, maybe not.

At one point last night, I told her that if she could not break off the calls with OM, she needed to be out of the house before I got back from Phily and that she needed to have a conversation with the kids about her A. That is how far I went off last night. Near the end, we fixed that piece, but still, I was so vindictive toward her. Maybe these are steps into detaching, I have no idea.

Ironic how you signed off Puppy - I actually grabbed one of my Sopranos DVD's to watch on the plane!

I am looking for peace again, will find it again, and then start working on myself again. It is amazing how many layers we build around ourselves, and now, I need to deconstruct my world to rebuild.

CBK

[stella_k]

CBK,

I hope you can use a "feminine" big warm fuzzy (((hug))) too:).

Have a nice trip, sleep well and try not to think about the coming
weekend and what will happen. There is no need to think of it as a disaster anyway. Act 'as if" and it may go very well.

[CBK]

Well, made it to Philly... Lot's of down time on the plane. Have been trying to come up with a plan, and the biggest one is for me to detach, and figure it out now. As hard as it is for me to pull away from W, if I don't, I will just keep repeating what I have been doing which isn't good for anybody.

I think the hardest part for me, and this includes the A, is the fact that right now, W is convinced that she would rather be alone than with me, after 26 years. This hits home the hardest and I am sure is part of the script, but maybe not. I try to figure these things out, but I cannot, I don't think anybody can.

I am going to go dark during this trip, and it will be so difficult. I am hopeful that she will call or drop me an email, but right now, that is expecting too much.

I am trying to turn this into God's hands, but I have to say, this is making it hard on my faith right now. As much as I want to get advice and let others know I am there for them, I am having a hard time being there for myself.

CBK

[ping1]

CBK, glad you made it to Philly OK. I know you are hurting wondering how this could take place after 26 years. I feel for you, we are all in the same boat on this board, you are not alone.

Try to come up with your game plan of detaching, I know that will be difficult for you to do being in the same house, I'm sure others can chime in on how this works being in the same place.

Have fun on your trip, you deserve to let go and have a great time. Believe me, it will help your mind settle down.

[CBK]

Thanks Ping - I have been reading your thread as well - wow.

I have to say, I am tired of reading R books, I wish W would read them and know that won't happen. The answer is staring at me in my face - start DBing, but as Puppy said, I am just not there emotionally, I need to get a handle on my emotions - such a roller coaster. I can't even watch a sitcom on TV without it having some "meaning" - so I am sticking with sports, that is easy.

CBK