Drowning still - 23 years, feel like I am sinking

[CBK]

I wish I could step back. I am not sure if the board is serving me well sometimes as I read other posters and their sitc', I go downhill thinking I am not going to be a stat... then mind will race off to some other place. Yesterday was, in some ways, pretty good up until 9 PM my time. I scared my W, not that I would hurt her, because I was so hurt and angry, I would hurt myself, which would not happen.

How did we fall in love with to begin with - so long ago, I try and remember, but we just did. We were so comfortable together, didn't even have to think around her. As I have said, we got lost in our M, quit doing things together, got wrapped up in kids and work. I feel now W has made up he mind, that she just wants to be alone - there is no "us" any longer. This is so difficult to wrap my head around. I know it was unravelling before she asked for the S - but literally, 5 days before, she said "I love You" and iniated sex. Over the weekend, she read two books, one said go, the other said stay. I can't figure out why we never worked together on our marriage... now when we have the chance, she has checked out.

As we all know on this board, the pain is deep, but the wounds will heel someday. As Sandi has said, I can no longer wear my heart on my sleeve, it is killing me.

I guess another difficult for me is that when we are in a social sitc', W doesn't even acknowledge me! I think this is what set me off yesterday. At the party, we didn't know a lot of people, she actually knew way more than I did. So we sat down with our friends that were throwing the party, she would not even involve me in the conversation. There were only 4 of us sitting in chairs, and it was obvious that she did not want me a part of the convo. What gives with that? I guess the more I stewed about it, the more irrational I became.

How far I set myself back, I have no idea, if this M doesn't get back, I have nobody to blame but myself as I cannot even do the simpilist of things.

I am so bummed again, can't sleep - it is 2:15 my time - I guess I got 2 hours in - thank God I have a plane today, I may be able to sleep on it.

Not sure what to do about the message board, may need to go dark on this for a while until I get my head straight.

Feel like I have totally drowned...

CBK