Internet friendships?

[kolle]

Hi Dry

Yes you are right in that it deserves another very good rethink. I have also thought a lot about how to handle the sitch with W before I discovered DBing and I did almost everything wrong. Unfortunately the 3 therapists I paid a lot of good money to didn't help either.

EVERY WAS will want to send the message "Mom and Dad can't live together anymore, but it is not your fault and we both still love you very much!" I have seen it in more than one book on how to break the D to the kids. I even saw a picture storybook with that message. It makes me sick! It implies (as I have said again and again) that D is unavoidable, like being struck by lightning.

OK so here is the message that I believe should be sent to the kids:
--Divorce is BAD. The pain we are all going through proves it.
--Divorce is UNNECESSARY and AVOIDABLE. There is an alternative. YOU CAN CHOOSE TO LOVE, BUT YOU HAVE TO DO IT EVERY DAY.
--MOMMY IS NOT BAD! She is a fantastic, good person who is doing a bad thing, like all of us sometimes do. (Like I do when I break things!)
--WE SHOULD ALL LOVE MOMMY WITH ALL OUR HEARTS! Look at me, even if I struggle to do the right thing I LOVE HER WITH ALL OF MY HEART. I DO THINGS EVERY DAY TO SHOW HER I LOVE HER!
--Because we love her WE ARE ON HER SIDE! We will watch out for her and defend her when people say bad things about her.

Writing this down really makes me realise what a miserable mess I have made the past year. Could my kids really see the love I profess in my actions towards her? I don't think so. The problem is the loving things I do are quiet things that easily go unnoticed, like when I cook and clean or when I apologise after a fight. The bad, unloving things are loud and in your face, like shouting and cursing and breaking doors.

I have come a long way in the past year. I have done immeasurable harm in the way I reacted to this situation. If I DB'ed from day one I would probably still be married now. But that is the past.

My new goal is to actively include the kids in DBing.

--I will use DB principles in my relationships with the kids, especially with S16, who is very angry at me.
--I will remind myself every day that the kids are watching me closely in my R with W. Do I really practise what I preach? Their future happiness is at stake.
--I will try to teach my kids the DB principles when they fight among each other and in conflict with their parents.

I HAVE TO BE A ROLE MODEL!