If it were me - I would respond, but not at length or in great detail. I would just write back something about forgiveness and growth and my own willingness to move forward together. I do think it would take some care to come across as open and vulnerable, but not arguing or desperate.
It seems positive to me that he is exploring how things got to this point and feeling regret for it. Lots of WAS say it is over, it is too late and yet do find their way back to a reconciliation. Work and family life do tend to get in the way of spontaneous weekend escapades - that's just reality, but I don't see any reason why those competing demands couldn't be worked out in a healthy way with discussion and compromise. I wouldn't want "it is too late" to be the last word.
((((evie))))
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
I just felt he had opened up a little more. He looks wrecked and he did say yesterday that he is totally done in by all of this. He said this yet I have tried to be distant, no contact unless he iniates it. Even then I don't always answer, so could this mean that me sitting fairly quietly in the background has made him start to think and question more?
I feel his email justifies a response this time and i am mindfall that i can say something powerful but I also need to say it correctly so that he takes on board everything I say.
Any advice on how to word a reply would be welcome.
Thanks
xxx
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
One thing I was thinking is that it might be a good idea to send your response as an actual letter instead of email reply. Take the time to get it right and send - if he has a mailing address. It has more gravity that way - if you know what I mean. I think the pause in responding would also be a good thing - contrast that to the running around like a chicken mode.
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
do you think this sounds like a guy who is done or confused
Confused, but a bit resolved. Almost trying to convince you that he is making the right choice for everyone. For your D, who he claims is 'better off' without him, for you, you are better off with him. And most definately trying to convince himself! He IS opening up more, which is great. If you want to respond, I would go along seek's path..thanking him for communicating, telling him that this is not what you want, but you will accept it and move on. That sort of stuff.
Hugs, its hard to see them open up, when the opening up involves them justifying their actions.
I had thought more of a letter. It does need to be brief. I'm just struggling on how to get it word perfect. It will end up as a dobson letter.
I wanted to say that i want fun and spontaneity as well, but having a full time job, running a business and raising kids plus lack of support hinders the spontaneity alot. also lets not forget that while they were off having their 'fun' who was at home babysitting the kids? Its all relative. I agree with the negativeness and i admit i moaned and was sarcastic, i have owned up to this previously and apologised. I have already said to h i was like because i felt he had 'checked' out of the M a long time ago and was not as supportive as he could have been. By his admission he works long and hard, but so do I.
Ow does not have a history/kids/business with H as i do.
Things have calmed down a lot since the finances have been sorted, i regret my behaviour from friday, major major backslide.
He mentioned 'too much anger', i know why i'm angry, but i don't know why h is?
LWB - what did you mean by 'resolved' - did you mean he is resolved to the sitch as it is now?
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
also lets not forget that while they were off having their 'fun' who was at home babysitting the kids? Its all relative
Many times in the last year, H has hinted that I was boring and never wanted to get out and have fun. Um, ok. Just like you, I was either working or home with the kids while H was out. Looking back now, I still wouldn't trade my time with the kids for anything. And if that makes me 'boring', so be it.
Quote:
LWB - what did you mean by 'resolved' - did you mean he is resolved to the sitch as it is now?
I guess I read the email as him trying to convince everyone (including himself) that he is doing the right thing. That he is resolving himself, there is no other choice, no turning back. Keep in mind, this is talk from an irrational, lost, confused person. He is trying to make sense of it all. The amount of guilt they have must be overwhelming. We are hurt, but we are not in charge of these messes. Honestly, I wouldn't want to be in charge. That letter in no terms means he is done, I don't believe any R on here is completely done.
thanks for the hope Lwb, until i read that email, i was convinced he was done. I think he thinks he is and whether we get back together or not is another matter, but that letter to me was an apology (never had that before) and reading between the lines it says quite a bit. The fact that he maybe suffering guilt, says to me that he is not sure he is doing the right thing? The worry I have is will he ever feel he can come home?
How do I help him?
Its funny, but when i have a PMA i can DB much better.
Lovingly distance validate positive affirmations
I want to start fighting for him not with him.
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
Wow, evie, you are amazing. So strong and focused. Can I channel you?
Yes, many people on here never get a full fledged apology (I haven't), and yes, I believe that letter of full of confusion. Honestly, I don't think he would have taken the time to put it all out there if he was truly done. He wouldn't see the need for it. But yes, we all have to face the facts, that even if they are 'sorry', realize what they are doing is a huge mistake...will that bring them home? In my case, I am pretty sure "no", but your H seems much more communicative.
Quote:
Lovingly distance validate positive affirmations
Yep Yep Yep. All of that, and taking care of yourself as well.
I agree, I did ask myself the question - why did h send that email at all? If anything i expected another angry email. After the incident on friday he emailed and said he had never slept with anyone else except current ow, where had i heard it from etc etc i ignored this and a text so on saturday i felt so bad I called h and told him what i had been told, i don't know if he was lying or not about. I apologied for my behaviour, which he accepted.
I have seen him today and he seems back to his self, which is not looking very happy. He could be tired, he drove 300 miles yesterday to a swimming gala. Who knows.
I think he is convinced though that it is over, he doesn't love me and it's too late?
Yes - i do take better care of myself, not that i didn't before, but needs came last and money spent on myself was a no no too.
Another goal - hair needs highlighting - book appointment (s*d the expense)
Last edited by Evie; 05/04/0804:09 PM.
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
Highlighting is so expensive. I had no idea when I walked in to the salon last fall! lol But I love it. And yes, I am learning to spend a little money on myself as well. My needs were always last too.
Seems as though you are doing amazingly well. You apologized to H, let him talk, and are remaining strong.
My H sounds like yours. He is constantly unhappy, looks 100 yrs old, exhausted, stressed out, etc.
