Ready for the long ride.

[LucasE]

Well, I became a full fledged member last night with my 25 posts and the next day I made a major change in my R. I have been studying your threads for hours for the last few days and when I woke up today I felt something new. I felt like I wanted to ask W how she was. Now I know this is R talk and I know it is potentially bad but I think it was a 180. Yes, that's what it was. I have been walking on eggshells not talking about the R and not getting anywhere. So I came home tonight and positioned myself in a place where I could ask her how she was. I could have missed her completely. I have become a master of avoiding her for fear of the R talk.

Well, it went really well. I hope I can remember what was said. I started with how are you? She said she was great. She loved to be alone. She loved to find herself and discover who she was. All of that I expected. That stuff used to hurt me. I said that I recently had realized that our relationship was suffering before she left and I was beginning to remember actual events that were less than perfect. This is new for me. I have previously maintained that all was well. She said that she wasn't happy with the separation because we are seeing more of each other now than when we were married. Now I haven't even read a quarter of my new separation book but I must have felt that I knew enough because I started saying things like, I think we need to really separate more and really experience separateness. At some point she admitted that she wasn't happy all of the time and was sometimes unsure of what she wanted (what, like ten minutes later?) But she did know she didn't want to be married. So I said, neither do I, and she said really? She didn't buy that for a second. So I stopped and thought for a moment and came up with, "I have realized that you were not happy and I do not want to be married if you are unhappy. At first, that didn't matter, I wanted you back, I didn't care how you felt, but now I do." And I meant it. I really did. I even said, "I want to be married to some one who wants to be married to me." Implying everything that that implies. THANKS MM. I got that from you. But I mean it. It comes from me. I just needed the words. We talked for an hour. Oh my god you guys, I would not be here if not for you.

It wasn't all good. At one point she said that she was happy to discover that she didn't need to rely on some man to show her how to learn a new computer program. I said some thing dumb about how I know she is smart and her old methods would still get the job done and she got mad and walked away to wash a dish and said that I didn't listen and I backpedaled and tried to take back what I said, but over all we began a dialogue. I told her I hoped that we could be friends again and that I missed her as a friend. One interesting moment that I must not overlook is that she said she knows that I am angry with her and I said I wasn't. She said if I can't identify that then I need a lot more therapy. We decided that anger perhaps wasn't my "go to" emotion, that sadness or panic was first. She accepted that. I have got to figure that out. I must be angry right?

Anyway, at the end of it all, I got a hug. Sigh. If that's what I've got to do for a hug then I'm in. I enjoyed the whole thing.

I have got to finish that book before I jump into any more R talk. I told her about a book I was reading that might help us to separate more and she asked what it was called and I stumbled and said uhhhh, separation or something? She said, Oh.

Boy, that was dumb. Now I should go back to the store and find a book called separation. Because my book is called "getting back together" and that would not have been the right title at that moment. Four months ago when I told her I was spending time with friends who got together after divorce, she rolled her eyes.

Anyway, my dream came true. No, my goal was achieved. GOAL: to have a friendly conversation that was not about the kids in the next two weeks. I knocked that one down in 24 hours. This $#!% works.

I need a new goal. I'm exhausted. Maybe tomorrow.

One other important bit of information she let slip. Her friend told her that it looked like we have brought the same communication problems from our M into our separation. Well, if we don't talk anymore, how can we fix anything? ARRG.

Then she left. Which is good. Really. I think I might have a longer road than I even thought before. But I might have truly earned my place in Separated, Now What?

"We had a conversation, we had a conversation"