I'll tell you, I have never in my life felt worthless as a sahm until this divorce.
(( Sally )) I'm so sorry, please try not to feel that way, but yet I can relate, I too was a SAHM for 15 yrs when my ex left! Funny too, it was OUR choice I left my job when S was ready for school yet you would think i was some Peg Bundy loser when it came up in the D!
All is right, They have a formula that they follow and you not being in the work place for X amount of years benefits you, they then have other calculations as how hard it would be for you to work ( not sure of your childrens ages) your past education and work experience , your age ect.
I did ok not like you see in the movies where I can sit and drink champagne and eat bonbons all day in my silk jammies lol but it sure helps w/ the mort. payment.
Don't worry about it, and being a SAHM is nothing in the world to be ashamed of!
Be Happy for this Moment, This Moment is your Life
I went through this about 2 years ago. Had been married almost 30 years when the divorce was granted.
Although I also wanted H to do alot of the work for the D he wanted, that's not the way it worked out. You will probably be the one that does most of the work. But this may also be an advantage for you too. You will be the one that has to gather up certain documents that might be kept at your home, and this in turn allows you to sift through a lot of finacials, etc. that you haven't looked through for years (never had a need to before)
The more you are aware of going in, the better for you. Your H may not have a clue as to some of the information you will be gathering for the the mediation/court, which will make you much more 'prepared' than him.
I agree with the poster than suggested you get a consultation with a L before meeting/agreeing on a mediator. Unless you agree completely with this D, and you have no fears whatsoever of your H being devious, I would be vary wary of using a mediator. They will not be looking out for YOUR wellbeing, but only working towards a somewhat equitable split.
I live in a no fault state. Yes, assets like the house, 401k were split 50/50, but the maintenance/alimony was NOT done so that I'm living as well as he is right now. And I was a SAHM for a couple of decades, and had only started working a couple of years before he filed. His income was 4x greater than what I made, but what I ended up with did NOT make up the difference.
So, it doesn't always work in your favor the way you may think.
As much as this all sucks..and believe me it does..you have to look at this as a business dealing, and try to leave the emotions at the door. Already you are looking down on yourself..and you must stop that RIGHT NOW. What you contributed to that family was not hard cash, but services and benefits that your H could probably not even have afforded. Most of us LBS , who were SAHM know what we contributed over the years, and we did it out of LOVE, and out of COMMITMENT, and we had every reason to believe that our contribution was appreciated and respected by our spouses.
Now is not the time for you to look down on yourself. Now is the time that you need to look yourself in the mirror, and see the true reflection looking back at you. You are a multi-talented, multi-tasking, dependable, and priceless human being that sacrificed much of your life out of love and commitment. You gave so much of yourself to other people, that now you're having a hard time finding your self worth just because your marriage partner has turned into someone you don't know anymore.
You may love him still, but do not let him take away your self-worth and self-respect. I had to fight that for a long time, and I still have pity parties for myself in the dark of the night, but it is possible to come out of all of this stronger than you went into it.
Please know that you're not alone..many have gone before us, and unfortunately many will follow us. Be very diligent with the paperwork, even though you wish he was the one having to do the work. It may benefit you in the end by you doing it.
Also, consider getting that consultation. Many Ls nowadays will help you understand your true 'worth' in a marriage where you may not have contributed financially, but contributed in just as worthy, if not more, ways.
Good luck...and chin up. You will survive all of this..I promise
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
I totally get the frustration, fear and feelings you're having. I was a SAHM too... but it will work out. So believe in yourself.
Once piece of advice I got from my L was to go into mediation with an agenda. So I did... we first needed to address interim issues, such as temporary maintenance, interim debt (ie, mortgage payments) and kid split/decision making... type up and agenda and run the show.
Hope it goes well, sweetie... thinking of you. It will get better.
You have had terrific advice IMO from several posters. I just wanted to suggest a book, The Divorce Mediation Handbook, that lays out literally everything you should be thinking about. It is organized in useful categories, and you could use it to help set up your "agenda" for the meeting. I used it a great deal, even though I had an attorney who participated in the mediation.
I strongly agree with the advice to get a consult from a L. Also, even if you believe the mediated deal is terrific for you, please pay to have an L look it over once for you before you sign.
Best of luck, this is a hard time, especially when we SO want the other person to take charge of this stupid D that we don't even want.
I strongly agree with the advice to get a consult from a L. Also, even if you believe the mediated deal is terrific for you, please pay to have an L look it over once for you before you sign.
It will give you a good idea of what to expect and what to bargin for in the settlement. I also was in therapy during the entire time (Which took several years) which REALLY helped me stand up for myself and set proper boundaries.
Good luck, SG
Survival Goddess "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker
Sally, I would look into the down payment issue. If it was money he saved before the marriage, then it would be considered his seperate funds and he would be entitled to reimbursement. If it is money that he earned during the marrtiage, and especially if it was put into a joint account, then it is marital funds. Your contributions toward the marriafge count, even though they were not financial. Any money that is earned during the marriage is joint and should be considered as such. This is one issue my X has such a hard time accepting. I finally said to him the other day during an argument "although you don't value my contributions to our marriage, the state of Virginia does, and that is why they set the standards they do." He can't get past his feeling that I don't "deserve spousal support." He actually said that I "rode in on the coattails of good wives and mothers." I laughed and hung up. Like there are men out there saying "my X was a good wife and mother, so I divorced her and I am so happy to pay her support." Duh, most men don't feel their wives deserve it! That's why there are laws protecting spouses! Make sure you know what the standard is in your area and protect yourself.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
you have to look at this as a business dealing, and try to leave the emotions at the door
also great sound advice which took me a few wks to understand. In the midst of our broken heart it is easy to make things worse, in an effort to either:making him feel bad for doing this/showing him what a bad idea this is (well, it is, BUT if your H is bent on D it will be useless to try to reason him out of it).
As mentioned on a prev post, the L should look at it before you sign anything.
Good luck honey)))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
How's it going Sweetie? Hope today was a better one for you!
You know M, everyone has given you really good advice. The law was meant to protect you but I do understand how you must feel. I think that those feelings go hand in hand with being a SAHM. I remember it well!
