Barb's thread and my own procrastination mode has triggered some R-related thoughts...
SD mentioned on an earlier thread that perhaps CB affected my view of men.
While I was at my last law firm and in the throes of law firm angst (CP1 and CP2 days) - a male friend asked why I didn't date. I remember my reflexive answer being "I deal with men all day long at work - do you really think I want to gone home to one at the end of the day?" He was taken aback and quietly said "We are not all like that you know..."
I have spent over 20 years fighting for my place professionally. And while there are a lot of great men - there are a lot of men that really would prefer that women stayed out of their territory. I have had to develop an extra thick skin and am always on my guard with respect to every thing I say and share at work - especially when it comes to my personal life.
And well The X was a nasty piece of work to come home to - in many ways it was more of the same of what I dealt with at work - except worse b/c I didn't feel that it was right to use the same "weapons" I use at work. I have to a lot more boundary setting and boundary enforcement at work by virtue of being a woman at work - just didn't seem right to do that to a spouse.
I think deep inside I feel like if I allow a man into the P realm of my personal life - it is simply inviting a version of one of the men I work with into my life. Since my D - I take off my armor when I am home. I let my guard down - and well when you are a hermit that is so much easier.
I keep saying that I know that not all men are like the men I work with... But the truth is that my gut isn't convinced. And the M with The X reinforces that notion... I know the only way to disprove this to myself is to put myself out there. And I am doing that - more so that I did the past 5 years.
I have to have the faith that I have the ability to pull back at anytime if I feel uncomfortable. I really do not want my home to be an extension of the battlefield that is my work.
We will see... I think that soothing balm on the soul will be a good litmus test! LOL! Emailing Man and PMG are examples of this type of balm. Unfortunately I can't quantify this one - it is a purely subjective test. And ironically - part of it is feeling free to be a woman when I come home!
