Pregnant and heading for acceptance #2

[S.T. _I Made It!]

Glad to see you posting about the things you have to do this week. Keep focusing on that first communion, that should be a great day!

On seeing your D face in the ultrasound.

I really don't know which would be worse, but I would be thankful that your D doesn't have to go thru the traumatic experience of losing her dad. Although I hate to see children not have a "full" family, I would think it would be harder for her to have her dad be there and then months or years later him do what he did now.

You both are going to have a strong bond with each other. Try to focus on that.. the love between you two. You don't want to place any bitterness, sadness, or resentment in your D because of what your feeling towards H in your own heart. If you are having it inside you, you will eventually transfer it to her as well. Meaning, she will learn this from you and have a hard time with R's with men.

Also, (not saying this is you or would happen, but) sometimes when a person is angry/resentful/bitter against their spouse, their R with their child they had at that time can be damaged. like, you could unconsciously sabatoge your own R with your D because of the anger you have towards H. again, not saying that would happen, but sometimes I think it may have happened to me and my own s9, because my H wasn't really there back then, and we had him out of wedlock so I was bitter about that.

[Tomato]

I have tons of things to do, but I get sorrowful and I tend to start thinking about H. I'm doing it now.

Certainly I understand on the surface why you get sad when you think of H. I think you have to dig a little under those surface hurtful thoughts. If you do some digging, in your mind, I would be willing to bet that you can find some positive happy experiences that you and H shared together. Why don't you try that. No amount of horrible behavior on H's part can change the fact that you had times of happiness together. Whether or not there may still be more fun and happiness together with H in the future is anybody's guess.

I was just thinking about the fact that H and OW's fling is surely going to be time limited. In other words it will run its course and will disintegrate in due time. At whatever appointed time that is you will be hearing from him again. Why else do you think he keeps putting out feelers to you. He wants to have the assurance that you are hanging around for him. If you continue to supply that reassurance by showing neediness to him then he will continue down his childish pathway. He still feels that he has you wrapped around his finger. The more you detach and untether the line that connects H to you, the greater the liklihood that he will feel that he is running out of oxygen so to speak.

I am sure you feel bad about following through with this detachment phase. It is surely something which doesn't feel right for you or anyone else who has to go through it, but it is absolutley the only way to get where you need to be.

Just keep going. You are heading in the right direction. No matter what happens you are going to reap benefits and profound happiness and joy from your hard work.

I am sure it feels good to have Forrest keeping constant tabs on you and providing helpful assistance. You are getting lots of help from a variety of different perspectives. You are going to emerge from this having learned a lot and you will have much to smile about and to rejoice over. Just keep walking the walk. You are doing great. God will handle any burdens you need him to. I'll be saying some special prayers for you.

Have a great weekend.

P.S. - I am sure in another month from now you will be post much less frequently as Kendall's day draws near. How big are you?

[JennyF]

blindsided,

Tomato had some great words for you...he's right..."just keep going, you're headed in the right direction".

Also, ST made some great points about the resentment being passed on.
MO2 once posted to me...
"Acid does more damage to the container in which it's held than to the object on which it is poured". Acid = Resentment

This is where acceptance will ensure that you provide the best possible environment for you and Kendall given THESE circumstances. You are still focused on the loss of your family...all of the losses and all of the hurt. I get it. Trust me you know I am right there with you. But there are positives in your future...there are positives in your present...but you need to stop focusing on the past or the "what could have been's" of the future. You can not predict the future...so make the best of now.

I still have out is my wedding ring, sitting on my finger, reminding me everyday that I am M to a man who doesn't love me or want to be M to me.

I think this is a good example of how you are keeping your focus on the downside constantly. If this is what the ring does for you...take it off! For a while you'll miss having it on. You'll reflect when you look at your bare hand. But you can also choose to look at your bare hand and see the strong hand of an independant woman. One who doesn't need that symbol to complete her. CHOOSE to put a positive spin on things...not the constant loss and negativity of it all. Sometimes even if you can't put a positive spin on things...just don't put the negative on it either. In other words...just don't focus on it.

You're going to be really busy soon enough that you won't have time to let all this weigh on you constantly. Trust me that is a good thing...when my S was born it was a welcome relief not to have my mind racing constantly about H.

Like tomato said...your headed in the right direction.
J~

[blindsided1]

Hi all, I'm really trying the last few days. No contact with H whatsoever. He has not tried to contact me nor I him. It's getting to me a little bit. But, I keep trying to no make up scenarios in my head as to why. This morning I went to my Nephew's 1st Communion. That was nice. Then my MOm and I went to lunch and shopping at the mall. So, my mind has been somewhat pre-occupied. But, I still find time to think about how much I miss my H. And, I find myself wondering what he is doing this weekend. So, now I am going to do some chores and hope that refocuses me. Hope all is well.

[blindsided1]

Well, made it through another day. H textd me about 2 hours ago. I have not responded. He's asking about the childbirth classes. I will probably respond tomorrow, at some point. I feel good that I have not answered and I don't even really feel like answering. That's a big step for me. Usually, I have to fight the urge to text him back. Not tonight. But, tomorrow is another day. Hopefully, I will be just as strong if not stronger.

Tomorrow morning my girlfriend and I are going to see a psychic. I don't tend to believe that kind of stuff, but I did see her back in December just for kicks and she said a lot of things that totally came true. So, we're going for kicks again and to have breakfast. My in-laws come in tomorrow for a week. I'll probably spend time with them in the evening.

Have a good night. Sweet dreams, hopefully.

[Forrest Gump]

Don't text him back.. Call him back.. Remember be smiling.. upbeat.. say the classes are on whatever day and whatever time.. I just wanted to keep you in the loop. End the conversation. Use your own words.. again.. smiling. Another little tip I will give you about conversations is you can control them with questions. Texting is such a impersonal way to communicate with someone. While I see its value, esp. with my daughter and keeping tabs on her. It just does not help your situation. It leaves him in control. As a example.. he txts you and asks about the classes. Even in you not responding he still has control because you really want to answer that question.

I was a service writer for a large dealership for 10 years. One of the big things they harped on was controlling phone calls. The main idea was to bring that customer in so they would spend money. 2 things they really pushed on was smile when your on the phone the other was end every statement with a question. Even the greeting when you answer then phone.

So if I was calling him back it would go something like this..

Hey John.. I got you message and I just wanted to let you know that they are on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 3:00. I will be there at 2:45. Were you planning on attending?

Whatever his answer is.. I would disregard it and say.

Great.. Just wanted to keep you in the loop. Me and Jane are going to watch a movie.. so I will talk to you later. Have a great day.

I will bet his head will be spinning after that conversation. Thats OK.. you kept him updated and left him no where to go. Again please use your words. Leave the control with you. If you really need too.. you could txt him something like that. It would be more effective if he heard it from you.

I hope this is helping you and not confusing you..

[S.T. _I Made It!]

just a couple things.

First, hope your doing well. Good job on not texting right back!!! And Forest's idea on what to say was good... I think you should try it.

On the ring. I figured I would probably be against the mainstream. I at one point took all the pictures down, took off my ring, everything that reminded me of him. But then I really started thinking. I was doing these things because of my anger for him. I was angry at what he was making my life and my kids life to be and what he took away from us: our future. I started looking on him with compassion and pity, and I started giving my faith to God. I put those pictures back up and the ring back on because I made that vow to God and I was still M to him and I married for sickness and health and this was definitely a sickness. Sooooo, for me, the ring almost held a statement. That I still believed in our M, even though he did not. I was not holding on to the past, but instead having faith for the future. I really didn't know if God would restore my M or not, but I had faith that he would provide for me either way. So, while I understand the points made on why to take it off, I, of course, have to share my reasons for keeping it on. ultimately you get to make that choice, but if you do decide to keep it, don't feel like your holding on to something that's not there, or feel bad about wearing it.

NEXT, on the psychic thing. I really hesitate for you to go. I know that some people are really into it, but IMHO for many people it becomes a self prophesy. It's almost like getting a car. You start looking at this Cherokee jeep and buy it, you never much noticed them on the road before, but then all the sudden you see them everywhere. When people tell you what's going to happen, it's almost as if we look and expect it. When we do this, we are self prophesying and these things start to come true; because we are subconsciously searching for it. Instead though, WE get to choose our life, and no one can tell us how we will choose it. We need to start choosing our life based on a positive outlook....

I would continue, but sometimes my brain gets stuck in thought and I don't know how to relay the information in there out in words! haha. plus, my H needs my help and he made me forget what I wanted to say.


I know some people do the psychic for fun too, but this is MHO, and I think it can be dangerous at times.

hope your having a good evening B. keep up the good work.

[spark]

gabby'smom -- I would love the number to that psychic -- not sure if you are allowed to give it on this site,though!

Mary

[S.T. _I Made It!]

I am not looking towards this psychic encounter to determine an outcome in my life, I think it maight just lead me on the right path. I am actually almost hoping she will say my future is not with H so I could move on in life. I am moving on, but I need ot get rid of some of the pain and betrayal to truly move on.

If your wanting the psychic to tell you your future is not with your H, I'm kinda thinking that's exactly what "looking towards this psychic encounter to determine an outcome in my life".

Gabby, what both you and B need to do IS move on with your life no matter if your trying to save your M or not. Part of DBing is moving on. We acknowledge that the old M is dead. we don't want that old M, it obviously didn't work. why would we want it? However, when we move on, we are able to let the opportunity of starting a NEW M with our spouses.

not to hi-jack the thread, but Gabby, why do you feel that if the psychic tells you H won't be in your future that it will lessen your pain? just curious. you can post on my thread if you want to or yours and let me know.

In order to get past the pain and betrayal, we truly have to learn to accept the present as it is, and we have to learn to forgive our spouse as they are. We don't have to forgive them to our face if they don't ask for it, but we need to do it in our hearts for ourselves. It doesn't happen overnight, this is a process. But it is a choice that we make. We can choose to live in pain and bitterness and anger, or we can choose to let it go and start looking at the positive things in our lives and make a choice to focus on those things so that we can make a great life for us in the future. I know it's tough, but we can all do this, and for us that have children, our children depend on us to do it.

[blindsided1]

Forrest - you aren't confusing me at all. That makes complete sense and as a matter of fact, I didn't text him back. I read the txt msg about midnight. There is a read reply feature so I held off on reading it so he wouldn't know I read it. If I look at the message menu I can read the first 3 or 4 words that's how I knew it was about the classe. Anyway, I finally opened the message about 3 hours after he sent it, but I didn't respond. I just figured I would speak to him on Sunday. Well, lo and behold about 45 minutes after I read the text H calls. It startled me because it was so late. He asked what I was doing, did I get his text, why didn't I call him back? I just said that I did get the text but not until late and I thought he might be asleep so I didn't want to disturb him. He said that I could have just texted him back. So, we talked about the classes. And, a couple other things. Then I said "Well, I'm going to go to bed now" and he said "ok, well I guess I'll just see you on Tuesday then" and I said "see you then" hung up and haven't heard from him again nor have I initiated any communication.

GM - well, my psychic adventure was very interesting. She said a couple things, first she asked if I was having twins and I said no it was a little girl. She said that's interesting I see one of both genders right on top of each other. She said that she shows me getting prego again right after the birth of Kendall. I asked her about my M, she said that he is going to come around that he is dealing with issues of not feeling worthy of being happy and he is running away from the very thing that will make him happy (me and baby). I told her that I didn't feel that he was going to come home and she said she believes that he will. I told her near the end that he was with someone else and she said don't worry, she's like the television being on... only a distraction. So, it was interesting. I take everything with a grain of salt, but I must say that the girl and then a boy right away prediction really struck a nerve because for some reason the last few months I keep thinking that I am going to get prego again real soon with a boy. I don't know maybe wishful thinking. As far as H coming home and OW being a distraction, I guess those are pretty general statements. So, we'll see. It's all for entertainment, right? Although, she was dead on with a lot of things last time I saw her in December.

ST - I have not taken my rings off for that very reason. I DO still believe in my M and I don't really want to take them off. However, I do feel that I am starting to retain some water and they are getting a little snug. I am probably going to have to take them off soon. I don't want to wear them on a chain for fear that I may lose them. So, what I DID do was a pulled out a little heart pendant that my H gave me about a year before he proposed. It is my favorite necklace. He gave it to me to wear until he could afford an engagment ring, he said. I haven't worn it in a long time because the chain gets caught in my hair. But, the pendant hold a lot of sentimental value for me. So, on Sunday, I bought a new chain and I put the heart on it and that is what I will wear once my rings don't fit. Once I take my rings off, I don't know how I will feel about putting them back on. I guess that is a bridge I will have to cross when I get there. The psychic thing was for fun, but she said a lot of good things and if it IS a self fulfilling prophecy, I'll take it. I would love to have another baby (boy), my H to come home, and OW to be JUST a distraction.