H is Having Affair after all - Part 2

[Evie]

I haven't posted for a few days, I haven't known what to say really and just when I start to feel ok, I get an email this morning from H entitled 'us' and he says he wants to meet next week regarding the house etc but nothing to worry about....

I txted him and said could he indicate what it was about, could he stop been so unspecific.

It appears he has seen a solicitor and things have to be done a certain way and he wants to discuss things.

I have my daughter back from France today and I was in a good place and now this - wham.

I need to climb back out of the well and get back my PMA and stop letting him get to me. I know this is a process and it won't last forever.

I haven't been back to my soilicitor yet, i wanted to be sure of what i wanted and when i go back i wanted a to be clear about what i wanted and to be honest that changes daily.

I have agreed to sell the house, I can't afford to run it and I need to be able to move on - and I don't believe he will come back.

The A is still going on i'm sure, H is already divorced in his mind and he just wants to be free from me and the kids to live his single mans life.

I have agreed to continue in business, how long i'll do it for i don't know. It will provide a second income in the long run. But should i make that break too?

At the moment H has freed up some of his cash to enable him to pay for his place. The business seems to be paying his share of the mortgage. I know this seems unfair but the way i look at it is for now i get the mortgage paid for and i get my car loan, aol and land line and mobile paid for and H has agreed to do all the jobs in the house to get it marketable. H has now decided to not go Ltd for the time been as it would be too inflexible. I have accused H of being impetous and chaning his mind at will. I have said i don't like been controlled like this, but he thinks he isn't controlling. I think he has been more controlling for much longer than i care to admit.

Some days i'm happy with this, other days i just want the solicitor to sort out a deal for me. If i took this option i get a fight on my hands with H and i really don't want to go through that again, i'm not that strong.

As to mine and the children's welfare thats another story. The boys have been playing me up, if my attention is distracted for any length of time that start to play up ie the other day they had a food fight.

I had to contact h the other morning as i was running late for work and S2 was having a major melt down. I'll try and shorten the mornings proceedings, but i basically said too h that he needed to take more responsibility that the boys needed consistency, structure and rountine and where h was concerned they weren't getting it - totally un DB i know, but i was desparate. H blamed s'2 behaviour on nursery and the children he was mixing with, he disagreed it had anything to do with us!!! I said we have to accept responsibilty for their behaviour and whilst in part nursery had some issues, i was dealing with major backlash from the kids regarding this latest upset. H has listened and taken note and we have taken the step on withdrawing S2 from current nursery and taken him back to his previous nursery where they seem to have sounder discipline and rountine in place. We moved him last september for logistic reasons and at the time it was the right thing to do.

I'm taking D2 to the Drs today and i'm arranging some C for her as she seems to be struggling with anger issues as well as emotional stuff and is struggling with school too.

PS since writing the above H has called me. He has been to see a solicitor who by his own admission is young, hot headed and aggressive and he won't be using her again.

He tends to act in a knee jerk reactive way. He was realying advice that of course i knew from my solictor, about how vulnerable we both are and what x,y, z we need to do. I said i knew it from my s but wasn't going to keep wasting time and money until i had a concrete plan to go to her with to get the legal docs sorted. He's rushing around again like a chicken with its head cut off.....My s had said that the D will be the last thing that is agreed. H said his s was talking about seperation agreements and/or D. I said to H that D wasn't what i wanted. He said we can go for a S of 2 years then.

Sorry it's so long, seems to be a vent and a bit of journaling.

[seekpeaceofmind]

I thought you were probably dealing with a lot of "stuff" swirling around you last week. It's hard to stay centered in the midst of all that and your H does seem to create a certain amount of chaos by being impulsive and impatient. Now is not the time for knee jerk actions - your financial security is at stake. . . . It's worth it to both of you to take the time to think things through and it doesn't seem that he was addressing the money side of things until the A was discovered.

I think it is good in many ways that you are not interested in getting into a fight with him over a property settlement as long as you stand your ground on what is fair. A lot of times you see couples fight viciously over petty stuff - who gets the blue china plate or whatever. I never thought those fights were worth the negative energy. I don't even think it's worth it on the larger property questions - people who try to put the screws to the other as a way of acting out their pain are hurting themselves even more. IMO.

I'm really sorry you are in this place right now. It's a lot of stress. Buy yourself some flowers this w/e? I have lots of daffodils right now, so I am going to cut some to bring in and I am going to come up with an affirmation to repeat to myself everytime they catch my eye. . . .

[Evie]

Thanks Seek,

I had some flowers bought me by D2, ;ovley lilies, my favorites.

D1 returned from France last Friday, so the house was full of family and friends all over the weekend.

H came on Friday to collect S2 and just walked into the house, nobody was expecting him ( I was, but I expected him to knock) so everyone went quiet.

Later on H texted D1 and said she looked well, he would have liked to have hugged her and that he loved her.

I'm afraid he has deeply hurt the girls. I took D2 to the Drs last Friday and she is being referred to a counsellor for anxiety isssues. In the meantime I'm arranging some private counselling through the school counsellor.

People say i'm starting to look better. Other people who have seen H say he has aged and looks dreadful. He does actually, when i saw him last week, he looked absolutely worn out (probably up all nite sh&gging...)

I think he thought I would be screaming and shouting and crying etc, but I have distanced myself as much as possible, I just don't want to talk to him let alone be in the same room as him. I love him still, although not the person he has become and i never realised how controlling he was until recently and I think I was so easy going that I'd go along with anything he suggested, maybe i was too passive?

H casually dropped the D word into conversation last week and it has made me feel a bit down. I don't want a divorce and I told him so, he said ok we'll go for a 2 year S then...he seems so callous about it all. It appears to me that he can't get D from me or sell the house quick enough. I don't know whether to make a clean break now and file for D?

[Evie]

I have been reading a little on another sitch and it has made me question a couple of things in my sitch, so I would like your opionions please:

1.H still texts or emails me frequesntly, often imho finding an excuse to do so, b/c its seems trivial. I either ignore or answer with short replies.

I'm handling my sitch atm with distance to the point of avoidance, i feel H has made up his mind and is pushing for the house to be up for sale, still seeing o/w (no proof, but my gut instinct says yes), D mentioned and the fact that he says he has been unhappy for years, i feel there is no hope at all now.

But is there?

H is still staying connected - is that b/c he hates confrontation and wants to be amecable?

or is it that he could be confused himeself that things are not what they thought it would be?

I'm so hurt by the lies and deceit that i may just be too proud to see beyond my own stubborness, i'm just frightened to 'give' any more of myself incase he hurts me more.

We're supposed to be meeting on Friday at 8.00 pm. If i suggested a meal or a drink i'm sure he would be up for it. But should I do that or just meet as arranged at the house?

[seekpeaceofmind]

It's hard to know why he is staying connected. But - it's more positive than outright hate/hostility or totally disconnecting. He seems very focused on being well thought of - it could be that he is trying to show that he can be "friends". Or, it could be that he truly wants some of your attention. If you are not ready to walk away from your M, then IMO there is hope. But, things need to settle down and it seems like there is a stage of this process that you now have to go through - and the uncertainty about where it goes from here will be there for a while.

Maybe you should see later in the week how you feel about sharing a meal/drink. I would only do it if I could be relaxed/confident - or fake it really well.

Did you see this - After 3 yrs...H is home!!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...620#Post1428154

[Evie]

seems like h is a serial wmaniser and liar.

f0und 0ut t0day that h had an affair just bef0re we g0t married. ive g0ne balistic at him, i was at w0rk, and s0 angry i c0uldnt talk t0 him.

he said he hasnt slept with any0ne else - d0 i believe him? i d0nt kn0w what t0 believe anym0re.

[seekpeaceofmind]

I'm really sorry - that's a lot for you to take in. Are you still going to meet tonight or can you postpone?

[Jen_Jam]

Oh Eve I'm so sorry to hear this. It's fully understandable you are angry right now. I hope your H will be giving you the space you will need right now to come to terms with this new shock.

From a DB'ing perspective, it's probably best to distance yourself right now. Take time out for you. Ask your H to leave you alone.

Thinking of you ((((((Eve))))))

[Evie]

found out more today from the same person, she said h picked this woman up in a nightclub, not sure if sex was involved or not. Spoke to h who denies this and i so want to believe him.

Received the following email from H yesterday:

When we first met we had such a giggle such a laugh, we were brilliant together - all the weekends away in dev0n - walking along the beach - it was brilliant - i loved every minute tohether - i still have great memories of the b & b on the cliff top.
I dont no where but it all stopped - i think it was because of the girls no longer seeing their dad - then we went away once ayear! then it all finished and now i carnt remember the last time at all - im sorry

We used to do things in the evenings and really make an effort to dress up and i really found it great fun and loved doing this with you - maybe im wrong but we only did this once and ended up with your brother there so that fin that.

Maybe i should fully take the blame for us - but i have always been told it takes two. We have always needed a bigger house , more computers etc etc. I love nice things i.e cars and certainly holidays and always wanted to do better so perhaps its all my fault.

Some where we lost us - we lost the excitment the spontenieghty in our life - we stopped doing our thing and it was all the children or mostly work. Im really sorry for coming home and being so tired - i know i always did this on a sunday but i was so very tired and couldnt help it - sorry.

And then i met some one who was fun, an escape from the life at home which was just so negative and the rest you know.

I would have loved to say to you - lets go to the lake district and cycle for two days or even to London for a day but it never ever happened - maybe its my fault i dont know.

I would have loved to give it another go - i would even have left the school and jacked the business in and have moved - i hvae always thought we would have to move to have any chance at all.

I love my job and i know you love yours but i dont enjoy the school - they do want blood and i do put it down to no work / life balance.

We are to late for this now - there is to much anger and love lost - I could not live with d2 (im sorry for being so frank), i know she hates me and she has never shown any love or thanks - i know you will disagree but this is how i see it - she is very much xh's daughter and there is nothing wrong with this - its a nice and wonderful quality.

Despite what you have heard - i have never slept with any one else - i have always wanted us to work and always wanted to enjoy life but the latter has been lost some where

If we had our time again - there is so much i would do different.

Life is passing us by at such a fast rate we need to start enjoying our time on this planet again - so many friends have come and gone like Pauline and Anne - we are not emortal - we need to start enjoying life injoying the children

Im really sorry evie really really really - whats happened - you used to be my best friend - the person who i cared for so much, the person who i wanted to give every thing to and do every thing for - whats happened - im so so sorry - i love the boys so much - i hate seeing s1 so upset - im sorry

[Evie]

do i respond? how do i respond?

I just want to point out that he created the life we had and i supported that at the same time as raising 4 kids, having a full time job and runnning a business. I would love to be just as fun and spontaneous and that he doesnt have a history, kids and business or every day life with ow.

do you think this sounds like a guy who is done or confused

Advice welcome.

x evie