I have spoken to my W. about our S. who sleeps in "her" bed every night. I do not believe this is healthy for either. She admits she doesn't protest because she is sad and lonely. I understand but you don't use kids to fill the void.
I don't bring it up anymore but I used to acknowledge when she was outwardly depressed and suggested help or talking to someone. She stopped talking to probably just about everybody and now just has our S in bed every night. It is a band aid at it sure isn't going to help our 4 year old, who used to go to bed like a champ on his own. Now forget it he has to have one of us!
Yes my W. knows the scars I have, sees the scars in her sister's kids as they are having an "ugly" divorce. Yet I believe Spouses have to try and fool themselves otherwise it would point out how truely selfish they are being. Once you have kids you lose the right to selfish when it hurts the children. I love it when they say I would do anything for the kids, I love them more than anything.
Really is that why you are breaking up the family and going off to be with someone else or at least telling their other parent they are not good enough to be a full time parent. In turn they are also saying they aren't good enough to be full time either. Very, very frustrating sitch. That is about the only thing that tears me up anymore is the thought of our S. and how sad, and pissed he is going to be.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
Well do I have a change of events today. Went to S7's ball game and went out to eat with the family afterwards. Something told me on the way home that I needed to check my mail as I haven't done this all week. Guess what I had sitting in the mail box. A seperation agreement. Boy is she trying to put the screws to me, she is wanting $1800 in child support and $2500 in alimony. You have got to be kidding me. $4300 a month, what in the hell have I got myself in to.
I really thought I would be pissed about this but instead I am laughing it off. I guess the lawyers that I put on hold a month ago will get to go and do their battle for me. This is outrageous.
I called W and asked her why she did this, she said because about a month ago I told her she needed to have her mind made up by May 1 what she was going to do with the house. I have not brought this back up since then as I was going to wait until November to make a decision on where to go with the house as I was going to wait the year out. Well since I never told her about this she assumed I still meant business by May 1.
No wonder she has been so nice lately, she knew she was getting ready to screw me over.
As the world turns in my neck of the woods, I can't help but laugh at what this agreement is saying. I was not going to fight her for 50/50 custody of the kids due to trying to reconcile but I will be fighting for this now.
I will keep you all updated on what is going on, I have a feeling it is getting ready to get ugly around here. PING
Thanks CBK, it is definitely a turn of events here. I really did not see this coming, but something hit me on the way home tonight about the conversation W and I had last night, "I still want us to be friends through this" and I just had a gut feeling that what she was trying to tell me is that she has served the papers and there in the mail box. Funny how these things hit us just out of the blue. I never thought about this last night, wow my instinct was right on what I was feeling tonight after leaving the restaurant. W even asked me tonight if I wanted to join them for dinner, man I thought I was making headway with my DB and thought she was coming around.
I have to think on this a few days to determine what I will do from here. I need time to digest this. I know it is going to get ugly with the lawyers involved but I have to take care of myself with this. What she is asking for is ridiculous. I know the child support amount is right in my state if I only get my kids every other weekend but I will fight for more time. The alimony is absolutely crazy and she is asking for this for 15 years, we were only married 14. My lawyers told me when I met with them that alimony is normally paid for 25-50% of your time in the marriage. She is trying to take me to the cleaners litterly with these requests. I can't pay this kind of money and live for myself. The worse part right now is I have meetings both Monday and Tuesday so the soonest I will be able to get to my lawyers is on Wednesday, I hope they have an opening that day to see me.
I have a strong feeling this is getting ready to be one hell of a ride that I am about to get on.
OK some more posting on the seperation agreement, this is just to funny and thought I would share, W wants all of savings, all of my retirement, I get none of hers, she is not responsible for any debt on the one car we still owe for nor the CC's that had balances up to seperation. This is just making me laugh, I know this is only a first draft of what was sent to me but my gosh, who in the world would even send this kind of agreement and have a conscious. I am getting lots of laughs here tonight just reading through it, I feel I'm at a comedy.
((((((Ping)))))) I am so sorry that this has happened.
You really do need to see a L to protect yourself financially. It's not too late to turn all of this around. Take some time for yourself, away from W and then try to regroup and focus on DB. You were doing so well and making so much progress. Don't let this set you back. You need to find the strength deep within yourself to continue. My thoughts are with you. (((((HUGS)))))
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
OK some more posting on the seperation agreement, this is just to funny and thought I would share, W wants all of savings, all of my retirement, I get none of hers, she is not responsible for any debt on the one car we still owe for nor the CC's that had balances up to seperation. This is just making me laugh, I know this is only a first draft of what was sent to me but my gosh, who in the world would even send this kind of agreement and have a conscious. I am getting lots of laughs here tonight just reading through it, I feel I'm at a comedy.
Sorry buddy. Keep doing what you are doing. Those are just papers. See your L and let him advise you. 99% of the time the first draft of demands is really high, the L's do this so they can bargain later on. Hang in there buddy.
Thanks Mike and Addie, I know this was a shooting for the stars first draft of the seperation agreement but how can someone even send something so crazy like this. Either way, I am going to have to think this through on how I am going to procede. I am fixing to leave to go to the ballpark, S7 has practice, I will see W there. Thinking of laughing at her requests to her and letting her know the game is on. I will have to see how I am when I get to the park.
I too am surprised by this turn of events.. it had seemed there was some positive movement going on.. just goes to show that we can never really know what someone else is thinking. I'm so sorry buddy.
I'm glad you were able to find some humour in it.. I too find it crazy that she would be asking for that kind of an agreement.. first draft or not!
Thinking of laughing at her requests to her and letting her know the game is on. I will have to see how I am when I get to the park.
Okay, ping -- I know what is in the papers is ridiculous, but what you typed above is of great concern to me since you've been doing so well.
Ask yourself why you would laugh at your W. Yes, the proposal is ridiculous, but why lower yourself to her or her lawyer's level by directly laughing at her? Be a bigger person and take the high road. If I were to bring it up, I would do so rationally, calmly, and professionally -- as well as at an appropriate time. Something like, "I received your separation papers yesterday and took a look at them. Honestly, I'm not in agreement with many of the requests, but I will go over it with my atty and come up with a reasonable response." If she tries to get into a discussion about it, you can tell her that you would prefer not to have that discussion at this time, and would rather do so with a mediator and/or your atty's present. Either that or strictly through your atty's (UNLESS you think you can both have this discussion without negative behaviors).
As far as saying things like, "the game is on," I would caution against it as it just stirs the pot. Again, why would you say it? How would it benefit you and/or the sitch? You can fight for what you think is fair without making such comments. Ping, you've made great strides of understanding your mistakes and bad behaviors in the M -- please continue searching yourself and making decisions and choices that will help you to grow. Even though it feels unnatural to do so, it will become a permanent part of you the more you make the conscious choice to do so.
Quote:
I will have to see how I am when I get to the park.
What do you mean by this? You aren't just a behavior that is uncontrollable. You ALWAYS have the choice to self-monitor your own behavior. You always have the ability to choose how to act and react. By making such a statement, you are allowing your actions to be dictated solely by your emotions, and worse is that you are condoning it by inferring that it is out of your hands or control.
Please think about these things. You have come too far already to begin backsliding like this.
