Internet friendships?

[kolle]

Sandi

You are a tough coach! I appreciate what you are doing -- it is good to get some feedback and I trust your advice.

You could scare them half to death by telling them that some "judge" has the power to take their daddy away from them and it's all b/c mommy doesn't love him anymore. Well, poor daddy! You not only lost your sons' respect, but I'm sure you have lost your family after that performance!

I must tell you, I have thought about this for a long time and these responses were not on made up on the spur of the moment. Yes, I know that I may have come to the wrong conclusions and may have said things that I should not have. In many ways I am in the dark, on a sea without a compass and I have to find my way. Books can help you only so far.

What will happen if my D4 and D7 wakes up one day and I do not live there anymore, but only see them on weekends?

1) They have to know about the divorce long before it happens. They have to be prepared for the seperation.
2) How do you explain Divorce to a 4 year old?
--> "Mommy and Daddy will not live together anymore. It will be Daddy who has to move out." (probably)

WHY?

3) I DO NOT WANT MY KIDS TO THINK THAT I AM OK WITH THIS D! Ok, maybe I should do what everybody tells me: Tell them that divorce is just something that happens and that mommy and daddy still love them, even if we are not living together anymore.
I am sorry, Sandi, I believe my kids deserve better than that. Even if she is only 4 she deserves to know WHY I am moving out!

--> "Daddy will be moving out because mommy does not want me to live here anymore, because she does not love me anymore."

That is God's own truth, how else should I put it?? W told her that she loved me, it is an obvious lie, even to a 4 year old, because then I would not need to move out.

4) I do not want my kids to think that ANY divorce is ok, unavoidable or something that just happens, like getting cancer or being struck by lightning. I WANT MY KIDS TO GROW UP WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT DIVORCE IS UNACCEPTABLE, AVOIDABLE AND THAT LOVE IS A DAILY CHOICE! Yes, I made mistakes in my marriage relationship but THEY MUST KNOW THAT DIVORCE IS NOT THE ANSWER! I want them to know this so that they can stay hapilly married in a world of disposable marriages. I want them to know this in spite of my total failure as a role model in this regard.

So, shall I keep quiet when W tells them the lie "We CANNOT live together?" What message does that give her? One day when her husband acts like an a$$h*le (as we all do from time to time), will she also come to the conclusion that she CANNOT live with him anymore? This false paradigm can serously affact her ability to have a healthy M herself!
The truth is, we CAN live together, W just does not WANT to do it.

Maybe you are right, maybe I should wait untill she is sixteen before I discuss it with her. The problem is, I may find then that it is too late. And it was not only D4 in the room, it was also S16, S15, and D7.

SO WHAT DO I DO!?

--> I tell everybody present that it is a lie, that the truth is that the divorce is not unavoidable.

5) My daughter has to have some concept of the legal process, that there is a court and a judge involved. Or I maybe wrong about this, maybe I should have left it out. I don't know.

Now let me tell you wher I come from. I am an ear nose and throat surgeon. I have pediatric patients from six months to six years old. They have pressure equalisation tubes in their ears which get infected from time to time. For medical reasons it is best to clean out the middle ear with a suction device when this happens. It is very scary, it makes a loud noise in the ear and sometimes it hurts, especially if the ear is very inflamed.
The mothers say "Lie still; the doctor wont hurt you."
This is a lie.
I show the kid the suction device, I touch her hand with it. I explain what is going to happen. It is ok to be afraid, but you have to be brave. It may hurt a bit, but if that happens I will stop. And often they will lie still when I clean out their ears and often it hurts and they cry, but they still lie still. (Yes often they don't)

BUT

IF YOU TELL A KID YOU ARE NOT GOING TO HURT HIM HE WILL NEVER TRUST YOU AGAIN EVEN IF IT HURTS JUST A TINY BIT!

I have learnt early in my career the the quickest way to lose a kids trust is to lie to them. Even if they are just three years old. (I regard three as the age of reason, they have enough language ability to understand much of what I tell them, even if they have no control over their emotions.)

I am also a children's book author, and the gospel all children's book authors live by is to never underestimate kids and never to write down at them.

I want my children to trust me. I want my children to know that they can choose to love. I cannot protect my children from all harm, I want them to be able to defend themselves. Like suctioning a kids ears sometimes I have to cause pain to protect.

You were wanting the kids on your side! Face it. That was pretty low for a man to do that. You want to protect your kids? Please! The two little ones are nearly babies.....how could you talk to them that way? Of couse the 7 year old got hysterical! The 4 year old would have too, only she was probably in a state of shock seeing this displayed in front of her. What a role model!

Yes I admit, something in me wants the kids on my side. Who wouldn't? I admit that sometimes I want to hurt my W as she hurt me. I saw visions of me hitting her the other day, it scared the blue hell out of me. I have broken doors, crockery and even one of my W's art canvasses in the last year since the bomb. I am a passionate, sinful man in a constant struggle with myself. Sometimes I have victories I can be proud of but often I have to admit that I am very ashamed of myself. Who in the world has only pure motives? But I can tell you honestly that "getting them on my side" was not my only motive.

My son said that I should not talk to the little ones about things they can't understand. I said, when will they be old enough? God, I am 43 and I can't understand what is going on in our lives at the moment.

Sandi, I gave you my five premises. They may be wrong, but then please tell me how. I told you how I handled the situation based on those premises. You obviously thought I did a shameful job of it. How would you have handled it?