Drowning still - 23 years, feel like I am sinking

[CBK]

Okay, this is so difficult, but nobody said it would be easy...

So, as I said earlier, W is working late - I finally got in car and started to drive out to her school, got half way there and turned around - that was a "good for me" - no snooping...

She gets home and I go get pizza and we play WII with kids for about 3 hours. We have a great time, W won't even look at me during the game - so alien to me. So we just ended and she said our S19 said I talked to a new company today, so we talked about it. I asked what she thought and she said that do what I think is best. We talked for about 10 minutes, or should I say I talked for about 10 minutes about the options. Then she said she called MC today because she was concerned about me from our conversation yesterday. I was pretty pissed off, but said thank you for your concern, but I am okay. She was just kind of sitting there looking at me, then I said are you okay? She said yes. So I got up and walked away. My stomach is in totaly knots again. I was so proud of myself during the conversation, but God, she is soooo distant right now. I know that is par for the course, but doesn't mean I have to to like it.

I just don't know where she is. This new job would take me away from home 3 nights a week, I could move down to So Cal, but I don't want to do that without her - and that isn't going to happen. Baby steps, none tonight except that she did talk to me - but still no smile, almost contempt. Why does this happen? I know, Puppy, this is script - and I was very proud of myself today. We had fun as a family, we laughed a lot and that is important. I was upbeat and except a few times when I caught myself staring at W, we did okay.

So many "if only's" right now that would make me feel so much better:

If only she would come back to bed just so we could hold each other
If only she would throw her arms around me and say "let's work this out"
If only she would say let's do this!
If only... if only... if only...

I should sleep tonight, at least I hope.

I hope all is well with my board friends and you are at a place of peace. I wish I was tonight.

CBK

[stella_k]

(((CBK))),

I just don't know where she is. This new job would take me away from home 3 nights a week, I could move down to So Cal, but I don't want to do that without her - and that isn't going to happen.

IMHO you can take the job and handle the 3 nights a week. It would facilitate your detauching and help you to GAl; new people to meet, new places to travel to. Doesn't sound too bad.
Let's see what the others think.

Great job on not snooping, btw!

Talk to you later, D is up and will need the comp.

[sandi2]

Well, for my opinion, I'll have to agree with Stella. Look at it this way....what would you do if everything was fine in the M? If you want the job....go far it. If your W "comes around" then great. If she doesn't, then you have your new job and a new place to live, etc. It would help you to put some distance there from her.....if and this is a great big IF.....if you can keep your mind on your work and not on what may or may not be going on at home. B/c if you can't keep you mind on your job, it would only add stress. You can't control what she does and the space might be good for both of you. She would have "breathing space" and you would have help with detachment....if you could handle the homecoming each time. You never know what to expect. You can't keep hanging on to the "if onlys" b/c more than likely, she will not meet you at the door and fall into your arms happy to see you. But, maybe in time that will change. If she sees that you are going to live your life the way you want to....it may help to open her eyes and especially if the OM doesn't leave his W. I know it's a big decision for you. But, I don't think I would ask her to many questions about what she thinks you should do.....b/c right now, she would not give you the answer you are wanting her to say. How long to you have before giving your answer to the company?

[CBK]

Thanks Stella and Sandi,

This is a great opportunity and a job that would actually take me closer to my kids when they are in school! I really need to think about this. The CEO wants to act quickly, but I have time.

Sandi, you are right, I am beginning to let go of the "If Onlys" because I know they are not going to happen.

Lot's of decisions, way too much stress. Have only slept a couple of hours, going to try and go back to sleep.

CBK

[CBK]

How do you bring spontenaity back into a relationship? That is something that gets lost after a while because we get too comfortable in our relationship. Now that we are in the sitc', spontenaity is all but gone and really no opportunity to bring it back.

As I worked out this AM, and W did her work out, I found myself going up on the balcony of the club to watch her. I so want to tell her that if we work on the R, we can get the loving feeling back, I know I can't, but that is what I want to tell her. I want to write her note - but I know I shouldn't. If I did, it would read something like this:

W,

This situation has been very hard on both of us. I know you are not sure that you can get that feeling back for me and don't want to settle, nor do I. I wish we could have worked on our relationship at the same time, for some reason, we just were not able to. Finally, we figure out where our issues are and are woking on fixing them and you feel it is too late for us. As I have told you, I never meant to hurt you or you feel ignored. I would love for us to work together, as a team, so we can get that love that we once shared back together. It will not be easy and will take a lot of work on both our parts, but as you said, we should not leave any stone unturned and I feel there is a huge rock that we finally are starting to turn over.

I love you with all my heart and soul. If you decide you would like to work on our relationship, you only need to tell me and we can go from there.

I would edit the heck out of that, but when I talk about stuff like this, it doesn't come out right.

Today is a bad day, need to be up when W gets back from gym in about 30 minutes.

How do I talk to her about life - I know this takes time, but I feel every day she slips further and further away. This woman is my world and I need to deconstruct my world. I have been trying, I want to be attractive to her, I want her to fall in love with me all over again - somebody have that love potion number 9?

Just need to journal a bit.

CBK

[addie]

Hi CBK,
As far as the potential new job goes, I agree with Stella and Sandi. You must decide for yourself whether this would be a good opportunity for you. Would this be a good career move? You said you travel a lot in your current job, so being away 3 nights a week may not be all that different. Right now, in W's current frame of mind you can't rely on her to help you make that decision. Her views would be very clouded.
Weigh the pros and cons and decide what might be best for CBK.

[ernest88]

CBK-the job op. may be a good thing. I tend to agree with everyone else. Time apart may be the thing that wakes her up. She may start to miss you. Your kids are grown..nothing to stop you really..

[CBK]

Thanks all - I am going to take the job op further, nothing to lose.

I am slipping today, friggin roller coaster. I miss my W so much - I see her so close to the R, but then so distant. I am a mess right now. Need to take my dog to the vet. That will keep my mind off of my R that is falling apart at the seams...

I know, don't feel sorry for myself, but at this moment, this is where I am damnit... I HATE this.

CBK

[ernest88]

Thanks all - I am going to take the job op further, nothing to lose.

I am slipping today, friggin roller coaster. I miss my W so much - I see her so close to the R, but then so distant. I am a mess right now. Need to take my dog to the vet. That will keep my mind off of my R that is falling apart at the seams...

I know, don't feel sorry for myself, but at this moment, this is where I am damnit... I HATE this.

CBK

Hey CBK..don't get on the coaster man.. Do something to get your mind off it. It's OK..weekends are tough because it's usually family time..that's why you're felling sad. It's Ok man..don't let this cause you to backslide..

[CBK]

So close, but so far... Sandi, don't get mad at me :-)

Went downstairs and W asked a simple question, can't even remember what it was - but I slipped into my R talk - not as bad as before, but backslid a little bit. I am so glad I am taking off tomorrow for Philadelphia, I need to get out of this house. I wish I would have exteneded my stay to go to my office in VA, may still try and do that and see if I an change my flight. Right now, I know I need to be out of this house, way to much emotion floating around...

The bizarre thing is that there seem to be several of us posters in the same boat this week, must be something in the air or water! :-) I need to get through this day - hour by hour - I know. I can't keep backsliding. My DB coach said it the best - I have no R currency, in fact, I am in the hole right now, and there is no bank to borrow from.

I am glad I am so hopeful still - but have to admit, when I read some posts, I get bummed because I feel their pain as well. This board is so different, we may never meet face-to-face, but I consider you all friends. We have shared a lot, probably way more than we would have if we ever did meet face-to-face!

Thank you all - you mean the world to me.

CBK