Boy, did I F up last night. Called to check on my kids at about 5:00 and found out WW was already home. She got off early because of the morning meeting. She was a little short on the phone. I get home and she had bought a new large decorative pot for the front deck, new plants, repotted some others, started blowing up an inflatable pool for the girls, and started on cooking a roast for dinner. I went out and finished puppy pen, finished inflating pool and helped put away some clothes. Time for dinner and we all eat in front of tv watching a video WW had gotten. S14 calls to be picked up from movies. Pick him and 6 friends up who are spending the night at our house. WW brings purse into room and go's to take a shower. I start to get on computer and I see a folded envelope sticking out of purse. I go to look at it. She opens the door at the same time to ask me a question. Busted. I try to play it off, but can't.
Hang on. This is the speeding downward part of the rollercoaster.
What am I looking for. I knew I couldnt trust you. I don't trust you. Blah, blah. Me!? I apologize for looking. It was wrong, but too late.
We go back and forth. She doesn't want to settle. I tell her about the fog she is in and she how she is addicted. What she is doing is wrong. She says it isn't. It sure isn't right, I tell her. I say the only people that don't see as wrong are the two of them. Everyone else see's it's wrong. We discuss how she thinks the kids are resiliant and can get through this. She says she said that once and that I keep throwing it at her. She says she knows what it does to kids. I tell her not to do this. She tells me to divorce her so that it can be right. I tell her it will never, ever be right. I will not give up on her. She admits she keeps making mistakes. I tell her we both make mistakes. We can stop and fix mistakes. But he is not a mistake. He is, I say, and you can fix it.
I tell her how I can only imagine what is going on in her. She asks me to explain. I tell her how I can see her struggle inside of herself. She says I'm in denial and cant accept. I tell I do accept, but just don't give up.
She asks me about the woman that has been calling me. "What does B think?" Somebody has been doing their own snooping, but I don't say anything. Yes, I have been talking to her. Yes, we have met. It feels good do talk to someone. WW tell me that now B knows she has a chance. She always wanted to. I tell her that is not what I want.
I tell her how I personally have seen two people who thought their marriage was done, even already divorced. My coworker. I helped him reconcile. I have seen a marriage come out of the ashes. I played a small part in that. Even got them going to my church. Anything is possible.
I am not going to give up you, I tell her again. We are tired and we go to bed.
Wake up this morning, getting ourselves and kids ready. Thirty minutes before her taking girls to MIL, D11 starts complaining of a hurting back. I mean bad. Crying. Hurting. Out of nowhere. We are freaking out. Get her to MIL and maybe to clinic? Drama. Give her Ibuprofen and they are off. I feel terrible for her. WW had lost her temper with her also. Even D6 asks why mom is being mean. WW hears this and realizes and calms down.
WW leaves about 5 minutes before I do. She calls me while are both on the road to tell me that D11 has calmed down and feels better. Relieved. She tells me a bit about traffic in our small town (parade today) and that it is not bad yet. I call her back before I get to work and tell her that I will get out at 12 and go exchange cars with her so I can have her brakes replaced and tires checked (slow leak). I tell her that some family couselors have been recommended to me and I am trying to check into them. She agreed and stated that her benefits just kicked in and that she thinks they pay for counseling. She will also check. I tell her that I want them to be Christian based. She says that she does not want to go through the church. They know us too well and right now she is being very narrow minded. I don't say anything to that, but then she agrees to my idea. She says maybe D11 heard us last night and that she knows that they are hurting. I agree, and WW says that maybe D11 was just acting out.
I ask if WW has ordered her meds, yet. Not yet, she says. I tell her to order them and I can pick them up and take them to her when I get her car. She says no, and she'll get them next time she gets paid because they are expensive. She says she has stopped taking them except the anti depressant. I tell to at least take the important ones and to reorder the anti depressant and I will pick it up later.
She says "OK".
Gonna call her if she has had lunch, yet and if she wants anything. She told me last night that my texting her for lunch was my way of checking on her. I told her I was simply inviting her to lunch. I told her all the thoughts that she has about me are simply not true. I am not who she thinks I am.
Learned my lesson. And still gonna kill her with love and kindness.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
