First, don't see divorce as the end. You may have to divorce him to wake him up. I find some people having affairs need a LOT of push and damage and action on OUR end to see that we won't tolerate their actions.
He depends on you for practical matters which is what my situation is as well. My wife (CL) is seeing a man on the internet long distance (met him in person several times that I know of) and she isn't working right now. I pay for everything, I work 80 hours a week to cover both our costs, while she sits on the PC all day playing with him in chat rooms.
My point is your husband does realise on some level that you have something to offer him. He just wont' grow up and these women he is seeing are confusing him about what it takes to make a marriage work. I think you may have to cut him off financially and divorce him for him to realise what this takes. Don't see divorce as an end, see it as another step in the db process...which is what it is.
As far as what HIS lawyer told him, I wouldn't reccomend accepting that at face value. I would not trust any legal advice that came from him OR his lawyer.
Throwing him out, shocking him, divorcing him, these all will stir him up and shake the delicate world he has created for himself, but he needs to grow as a person yet. Until he's willing to go to db counselling with you and educate himself on what grown up relationships are and what they take to work this back and forth isn't going to be enough.
I would keep pushing for the divorce and tell him you want db counselling as an alternative, and that He has to do WHATEVER the counsellor tells him to do.
1. Just because he CAN use cash to buy things isn't an excuse NOT to use credit card wherever possible and to turn over all receipts to you. 2. Just because he CAN erase cell phone message is no reason not to turn over hte phone to you for investigation later on.
The problem here from what I am reading is that he doens't get what it takes to make a relationship work or what the benefits are. He wants to keep playing in stage one relationships and not cultivate anything lasting. This is fine when you are 20 but if you wait too long you will retire ALONE and die ALONE.
A lot of us guys have trouble getting this key concept. Marriage is an investment in a lifetime together, its not a chance to play house and bail when you get bored with it. Many men approach it this way, as a fantasy to play at but not take seriously when it comes time to sacrifice some freedom, or to respect and steer clear of the boundaries that puts marriages at risk in the first place.
My wife (CL) has'nt figured this out yet. She flirts with men on the internet and hangs out with men who don't give much are to her commitment to our home. She thinks as long as you aren't having sex then its all healthy and good fun, and my distress at this is just me being controlling. Its not, and I know that now, I am just protecting something delicate and precoius - a marriage. Your husband needs to learn how delicate marriages are, and that "in sickness and in health" includes a sick relationship.
When things get ugly this is time to make some sacrifices, not bail or escape into affairs, gambling, or alcohol to take the edge off.
He doesn't GET any of this apparently. You and him need counselling to get there. You said he claimed "I already know what they are going to say", well, that's not a reason not to go.
1. We don't go to counselling to hear things said, known or not, we go there to heal, grow, and bond as a couple. Education is just a positive byproduct counselling brings to a marriage. 2. How can he possibly know what a professional counsellor with years of full time experience is going to say? 3. your relationship will benefit much from professoinal counselling, and him committing to counselling is committing to you. Let him know this, that if he wants to work on things then he must go to counselling and do what it takes to heal and give him time to grow.
This is something I am learning, that growth is an important part of the process, and counselling helps us get there.
Don't try to to grow him up on your own...there are professional counsellors here that can do that, patiently, objectively, efficiently, and with much less pain on your end. He needs a strong wise influence in his life. A counsellor just needs to meet with him privately to win his trust first, and then you are on your way.
Continue with the divorce proceedings unless he is willing to commit to counselling, doing whatever counselling dictates to heal, and growing as a human being.
