I always respect your thoughts on my stich. I can see how much you understand what I'm going through. I've tried to be patient as much as possible. I enjoy my time with D10 and I don't want to miss a moment of her growing up.
I had a brief talk with her today. She acknowledge that something needs to change. I suggested she keep seeing our MC on her own, if she didn't want to let me know in 2 weeks. I will see my own C if I have to. This time I will do my homework and find a MC who can help me. Not someone because they're close to the house.
Whoever is reading this, MAKE SURE YOU DO YOUR HOMEWORK WHEN SELECTING A MC. There's a big difference having a constructive session than rehashing old problems.
For the past few days I've taken my detaching to a different level. I've been going over my life and not liking what I see. I'm closely looking into my own faults and wondering why my bad M is making me feel like a failure.
My W has been sleeping on the couch and not making any attempts to sleep in the same bed. I've been slipping out of the house at night to thihk. I focus my thoughts on me and only me. Not D10 or my W.
I know stress can do alot of damage to someone's health. I'm trying to work on my stress and relax more. I'm happier when I'm relaxed and my humor is coming back. Hopefully, I can plan a future for myself that betters me.
As I'm writing this I can feel the stress building up. I have to stop adding my W to my future plans. No more asking myself if my W would like this.
I think it's my second week of going dark. I only count the days to see if its effecting my stich. Either way this is my LRT while I'm living at home.
I decided to clean up around the house. My W or I are good at keeping up on the housework, but I seem to get all the blame. To often she forgets about her S21 who doesn't pick up after himself. I brought to my W's attention, I wasn't please with how she's been handling her debt problem. For one I had to open up a letter from the debt management company. It showed she was late with a payment. I brought this to her attention and she told me the bill had been paid.
I told her how I didn't like that I just bailed her out and she's keeping everything secret.
I hate so much being in this sitch. I want a wife who I can L, who will be there for me... who I can kiss. She's not the one. I don't things will change, she likes what we have... Married without no commitments.
My sisters and I were talking to a divorce lawyer. One of my sisters asked the lawyer if she sold gift certificates. We all got a big laugh.
Tonight I'm choosing to stay home alone. My W took D10 over our friends house for dinner. She offered me to come along but I'm interested. The last conversation we had hurt me bad.
My W said that I was abusing her mentally. I don't have any idea of what she was talking about, so I agreed with her. She told me just b/c I don't hurt her physically that I'm not abusing her. I asked if we could start or R allover. To pick a day and then start counting how many times I been verbally abusive. She refused to start things off new. For the record I've written most of the things I've told my W. If someone has been following my stitch you can tell me where I've been abusive.
Now, I don't want to say anything to my W. Forget about my dreams or wantign a life together... they're not in the future.
The best way of DB'ing that I know of is to do nothing. Enjoy my life and watch as my W self destructs. Watch as her best friends move out of state for bigger and better opportunites. I watch as her past spending spree comes back to haunt her. I watch her face as collection agencies asked when the credit card bill is going to be paid. All this while I enjoy my life.
I treat myself to a good meal here and there. I take D10 to a movie and shopping afterwards. I make my own plans on the weekends and always invite my wife. Sometimes she'll take me up on my offer and sometimes she has other plans. Either way I have a good time and make sure she knows about it. If I have a bad time I let her know; a few days later. Now my W enjoys my company and sometimes I can make her laugh. Sadly though things are still the same.
I asked my W if she wants to join D10 and me at the movies. My W told me she doesn't like the movies anymore. I told her that I don't like going to all the movies but I enjoy D10's company. Then I suggested my W just do something for D10. Then a thought came across my mind which I expressed to my W.
I said honey don't take this the wrong way, but your a selfish person. Somethings you can do for D10 or even me. You had a chance to go to the movies with your daughter, someone who wants to do more as a family. Not my words but D10s words. By thinking of only yourself your're missing out on so much.
Then I told her that our R isn't doing so well. That I use to think of only her and kept my eyes clear of other woman. Now, when I see other woman I wonder if they would date me. Yes I said that to my W. Her only response was silence. No I wasn't trying to get a reaction from her. Instead I was telling her how low our M had sunk.
Sometimes when I'm talking to my W, I notice I talk about our M in the past tense. I don't do this on purpose, but I find myself correcting myself too much. When we were M'd I would say. My SS21 asked me why a woman we know went back to her maiden name. I gave him an answer and he wanted to know why didn't Mom use her maiden name before she re-married. I told him b/c she's not divorced yet and he asked what I meant by yet. It was another slip of the tongue.
I told my W she blew it with our MC. That she had a chance to keep me in line. I reminded her how our MC would tell me to back off when I was making a mistake or making my W uncomfortable with the things I said. I asked her how many times did the MC yell at you. She didn't remember, so I reminded her. None. I told her if she just tried, the MC wouldn't let me go overboard. He would of reminded me not to expect too much, instead you didn't do anything.
I said some of these things to my W today. Some of these things I said a few weeks ago. What I'm trying to say now is that things are still the same. She will come home late tonight and I won't have any idea what time she came in. She might sleep downstairs or she might come upstairs. Either way its still the same two strangers living in the same house, sometimes sleeping in the same bed.
It's good to hear from you. Sorry that things are so much the same though.
I don't see it as a bad thing that you said those things to your W. I think she just lives in a fantasy world and that you cared enough to point out some of these things, well, that's something my best friends do for me. Of course that'w why we're such good friends too. Even when it hurts to hear, I know to listen and really think about what's been said.
It's good that you're taking care of yourself and having some good times. Do you have vacation plans this summer?
I said those things to her so she could work on herself. Many times people don't know a good thing until its gone. I'm not saying I'm a good thing or that I'm leaving, but I've seen worse H's than myself out there.
My W and I talk, but she doesn't have any interest beyond that. Lately, I've been doing alot of praying and trying to change the way I'm thinking about my stich.
I'm a lucky guy other than having a indifferent W. I have my health, a beautiful and caring D10 and my W doesn't want a divorce. She isn't trying to take advantage of me, but b/c I feel sorry for her I help out. We talk and do some laughing.
I thank God everyday for what I have. I've stopped asking him to intervene and change my W's mind. I know everyone has freewill and God doesn't change peoples minds. It just shows you how desperate and needy I've become. Instead of looking at a life that didn't turn out the way I wanted, I'm looking at a life that has so much potential.
I haven't made plans this summer. I keep trying to get D10 to go to Disneyland but she too afraid of the characters. I plan a few day trips here and there. I don't live far from a beach in the New England area so I'm go there a few times.
Thanks for checking in on me. I hope all is well with you.
My D10 means so much to me. I made a commitment to raise her the best I could and so far so good. What I said to my W about D10 may have had some impact. I think when I don't overload my W with observations (not complaints) about her behavior she tries to work on them.
What I want to do is a very good question. I want happiness and only I can achieve that goal. The way our stich is nothing my W can do will rob me of my happiness. I've taken the focus of my energy away from her to what I want to do. If I feel like going out by myself I will.
Now and then I will reveal one of my deep thoughts to her. Then go to my own thing. Something like - just because something makes you feel good doesn't mean it's right. I said this to her one morning when she came home very late.
For now I will pray and hope I don't give into any temptations that come my way.
