Drowning still - 23 years, feel like I am sinking

[CBK]

Okay, this is so difficult, but nobody said it would be easy...

So, as I said earlier, W is working late - I finally got in car and started to drive out to her school, got half way there and turned around - that was a "good for me" - no snooping...

She gets home and I go get pizza and we play WII with kids for about 3 hours. We have a great time, W won't even look at me during the game - so alien to me. So we just ended and she said our S19 said I talked to a new company today, so we talked about it. I asked what she thought and she said that do what I think is best. We talked for about 10 minutes, or should I say I talked for about 10 minutes about the options. Then she said she called MC today because she was concerned about me from our conversation yesterday. I was pretty pissed off, but said thank you for your concern, but I am okay. She was just kind of sitting there looking at me, then I said are you okay? She said yes. So I got up and walked away. My stomach is in totaly knots again. I was so proud of myself during the conversation, but God, she is soooo distant right now. I know that is par for the course, but doesn't mean I have to to like it.

I just don't know where she is. This new job would take me away from home 3 nights a week, I could move down to So Cal, but I don't want to do that without her - and that isn't going to happen. Baby steps, none tonight except that she did talk to me - but still no smile, almost contempt. Why does this happen? I know, Puppy, this is script - and I was very proud of myself today. We had fun as a family, we laughed a lot and that is important. I was upbeat and except a few times when I caught myself staring at W, we did okay.

So many "if only's" right now that would make me feel so much better:

If only she would come back to bed just so we could hold each other
If only she would throw her arms around me and say "let's work this out"
If only she would say let's do this!
If only... if only... if only...

I should sleep tonight, at least I hope.

I hope all is well with my board friends and you are at a place of peace. I wish I was tonight.

CBK