Another new topic! already? Here we go

[LoginName]

Thanks Aud and Lodo, good advice from both of you. I'll take it to heart.

Yeah, they can feel like we always bringing the past into things. It's hard to know what to totally let go, and what needs to be addressed. They understandably feel that we'll never really forgive them and always bring up there transgressions. But maybe some of it does need to be brought out into the open, addressed, confronted, before it can be let go of. I don't know. I'm struggling with what to let go of, what I can let go of, and what I may need to confront and discuss with her.

Trust for me is easy in some ways. I'm surprised by how much my M/R are so back to "normal" - which obviously makes me nervouse, if normal wasn't good enough before. What I find I don't trust, at a very deep level, is that she won't hurt me again. I wish that if she wasn't sure about us, or is unhappy, or wants to be with the OM, she'd just do it, and let me get on with my life.

But these issues are small, compared to what they were, and compared to where many are in there sitchs.

But thanks guys. Again, good advice.

[LoginName]

I am in that stage, that I think is normal, where it's hard to post, and even hard to read posts. I want to try to help others, give support, even advice when I can, but find it hard to do. I'm thinking of you all though, and wish the best for you.

It breaks my heart to read some of the posts though. For a while, I thought I knew some answers and could help. I'm not sure now. I think I found some answers for me. I think some of them are universal and can help others. I'm pysching myself up to getting back on the horse and posting, reading, supporting soon.

I'm also a little stuck in my own situation. Things are too normal, in many ways. I'm facing many of the same issues I, we, faced in the past. Intimacy, sex are still issues. My level of desire is still a lot stronger than hers. She's acting so much like her mother these days, more than she used to. I don't like her mom that much. I've called her on it a couple of times. I don't mind her being that way (bossy, know-it-all, arogant, judgemental) toward me. I can let it roll off my back, or stand up to her and back her down if need be (maybe I need to do more of that) but I hate it when she treats the kids that way. My son is old enough, and big enough, I don't think it hurts him much, but I don't like the dynamic it sets up with my daughter.

Of course, every married couple has different ideas on how to raise the kids, and that's one of the normal issues that we face.

So, I still am trying to understand what happened, so that it won't happen again. I don't want to be hurt like that again. Sometimes I think that what happened was, she needed to go though a MLC. It was all about her, and there is very little for me to learn or change. Sometimes I think that it was just a bunch of little things that built up until it broke. Things like no time, work pressure, different sexual needs, stacking the dishwasher, etc. If that's the case, I better address the small issues head on right away. Which issues are best let go, and which do I push on? How do you talk about things,communicate?

We had a couples communications class. I can try using those techniques. I can re-read the book, read other relationshiop books. I'll do that.

Sometimes I think that if I had a job I loved and challenged me, then these other issues would be much smaller.

I don't think I can expect a job, or a relationship, to make me totally happy. I think I need to peice it all together, and build a patch work. Get what I can from my M/R, but don't expect her to be the be all and end all. That's where sex is tricky though. Being married means, for me, that she is the be all and end all. But I'll work it out, or we will.

OK, got to get to work. Keep fighting the good fight.

[Aud31]

Trust for me is easy in some ways. I'm surprised by how much my M/R are so back to "normal" - which obviously makes me nervouse, if normal wasn't good enough before. What I find I don't trust, at a very deep level, is that she won't hurt me again. I wish that if she wasn't sure about us, or is unhappy, or wants to be with the OM, she'd just do it, and let me get on with my life.

Eerie. I could have written this post, it's exactly what I feel when I let myself think about it.

I think I need to peice it all together, and build a patch work. Get what I can from my M/R, but don't expect her to be the be all and end all.

I think you're right on this one. It's easy to fall into thinking your S is the be-all...but I think that's the biggest lesson of all of this: that ultimately your happiness depends on your choices.

That said, if she's falling into patterns that don't work for you (being bossy, arrogant, etc.) you need to discuss your concerns with her.

Hang in there--you are doing so well!

[LoginName]

Hey Aud, how do I find your posts, and your story. I'd like to know more about you. Want to give me a summary here?

I'd be curious to know how you feel about some things too, like honesty and getting over an A. Do you think total honesty and transparency are needed? My W and I aren't really doing that. I haven't asked her to do things like show me her cell phone, let me see her daytimer, etc, and she hasn't asked me either. But, I've read a little that suggests that only through transparency and honesty can you build trust. From my limited experience, I think giving information that wasn't asked for wasn't helpful. Sometimes it's best to keep your mouth shut. What do you think?

so tell me about yourself, and what you're thinking, or tell me where to find your posts., Thanks.

[Aud31]

Hi Login. Sigh. My story is a lot like everyone else's. :P

After reading your question, I went back and skimmed a few of my old threads, and wow...things are so much better now, I feel much more confident and capable, even though life isn't perfect and we have a long way to go. I'll post the links at the end of this post and perhaps go dust off my current thread. Thanks for the prod.

How do I feel about honesty and transparency? I think they're vital. Do I have them in my current R? Not by a long shot. Am I throwing all the other progress in my sitch out the door because I can't trust him? No. I think that love and trust are separate issues: you love your teenager, but you don't necessarily trust them to be out all night with no curfew, right?

In my perfect world, I would be in a M with a man who shared my deep sense of values, who regarded our R as something to be treasured and nurtured and defended. Reality is, maybe those things are buried deep inside him, then again, maybe they're not. He's not an honest man, as much as I'd like to say he is. He's not. And that is very disappointing--probably the thing I struggle with the most. I'm trying to walk the line of allowing him to be himself, to love the good parts of him without being judgemental, and at the same time, to find and respect my own boundaries.

I guess my point is that I'm trying to accept and love him for who he is, while hoping that at some point he will step up and become the man I know he can become. For now, he has made progress in his overall attitude and behavior towards me, and it's worth it to me to hang in there and give our children an intact family...as imperfect as it is (who's is?).

So, to answer your question, yes, I think honesty and transparency are important to a healty M. But I also believe that for now, keeping my mouth shut is more productive than demanding something that is not going to happen until my H has a major change of heart/personality. I'm not sure if that really addressed your question--let me know if you want clarification.

Here are my threads:

Current
Walking the Line
One Foot in Front of the Other
Sink or Swim
Treading Water
SOS I'm Drowning
Where to from Here?

[LoginName]

I picked the whistle emoticon because I don't know what you'd use it for, what it means. Maybe y'all can tell me.

so I haven't been here for a while, which I think means things are going OK. The separation is hard. To refresh your memory, she took a job in AR, we bought a house there where she lives with my daughter. My son and I still live in CO and I plan on moving to AR after my son graduates H.S. He is a junior, so I have just over a year before I move.

If I move. I really like it here, in Denver, downtown. I need to know for sure that my W and I can and WANT to make it together before I move. I think I will, but I haven't committed 100%.

I have been calling AR everynight, to wish my D good night and to talk to my W. It was really feeling like a duty, and I often felt worse after the call then before, so I told them that we didn't have to talk nightly. I called last night but only talked to my D (kind of weird. Kind of like when my W was w/ OM and would call and talk to kids but not me, but reversed. I dont' want to do things out of revenge. I don't think it was. Probably more in my head than hers). Tonight she called me. Interupted dinner and a DVD that my son and I were enjoying. I called her back later. The goodbyes are hard on me. That's why I say we don't have to call daily, and that I'm not 100% sure I want to go to AR.

I have to know I'll be happy before I go.

Meanwhile, I don't feel I can contribute to anyone elses sitch right now, but I'm thinking trying may help both me and the other person. My Mom called me a couple of days ago and told me my god son and his W are divorcing because she is having an A. I haven't been much of a godfather to this guy, but now maybe I can help.

I think of many of y'all often, and really hope you are doing well. It's hard to catch up with those of you who post a lot. I'll try. I really hope you find happiness - whatever that means. I feel I'm close to it, but it's tricky.

That's me. I'll surf a bit now, and try to catch up with some of you. Maybe try to help a newbie.

It's yours. Own it. Feel it. Live it. don't shrink from it. Embrase it.

[LoginName]

Aud,
Timing was bad, in a way. I found you, you found me, just as I needed a break from the boards. How's it going now? God, I hope it's going well. I'd love to have a travel partner on this strange trip.

[LoginName]

I've logged on a few times and tried to keep up with you. I've needed a break. How are you doing? I hope you're well.

words don't express, can't express, the caring that a complete stranger can have.

I've received that kind of care, and I've tried to give it.

I see you posting, and helping, many, many people.

How are You?

[Aud31]

Hehe. Strangers in the night.....

Hope things are going okay for you today LN, it's nice to have an update.

I understand your reluctance to pull up stakes and move without guarantees of happiness from your W. A second glance at that idea brings me back to the biggest lesson I've learned in all this: I'm the only person who has control over my happiness.

I hope things go well with your Godson. Don't underestimate what you have to offer.

[LoginName]

Things have been up and down for me, today up. And in the big picture, so much better then oct/nov 2006 or most of 2007. So I shouldn't complain,

Unlike how I think it worked for grasshoper, and partly for toughlover (my two biggest counselors back then) my marriage didn't become great - it is becoming, something, and that something could be great, and I'm hopeful.

So how are you? I know it's selfish to say I'm too busy and overwhelmed to read all your posts and ask for a summary again, but I am lazy. Can I help with any thing, a different outlook on a problem perhaps?

Having said that, I'm now going to go try to find your latest thread and see how you be.