Drowning still - 23 years, feel like I am sinking

[CBK]

Sandi, my W basically says the same thing as you do about love is a choice, there needs to be feelings as well, and you are correct, if she has no feelings for me, I would not want to stay in the M either.

Just need to jounral a bit right now.

Just came back from a meeting with a friend that has offered me a great job. If stress wasn't enough in my life. At a time I should be very happy, this job would either take me to Southern Cal or travel to LA three days a week. I can postpone for a bit, but lord do I need somebody to talk to about this. I am sure W would want to know, so maybe those margarita's on the deck is what the doctor ordered. I don't want to pursue or push, so will see what happens. I am sure my mom would love to hear as she lives in So Cal...

I have been obsessing all day, W is working late today, I knwo she is as her partner has been gone all day and the counseling gets her behind in her work. I was dying to drive out to her work and make sure she is there - but thought better. I am dying to snoop right now, but will not, it is like a sickness.

I am really down right now, was crying on the way home from the new job offer thinking that this would be a great job... less travel, more time at home in the long run, but with whom? I feel as if I pursue the job, I am in a sense giving up on the M - maybe that is the wrong way to look at it...

Sometimes reading others posts is great, other times, I just sink lower and lower thinking there is no hope, why should I try? Then I think, God, do I love this woman and all the hope comes back.

I was reading WDID thread today, I hurt for her knowing that maybe that is what my W is going through, wants to work, but the OM is still in her heart and it will take a long time to get that feeling out for OM and start feeling love for me again, if possible.

So hard to understand, thanks goodness kids came home from shopping and son is playing a new game on the WII, fun to watch and is keeping my mind of obsessing about OM - the guy I call scum bucket...

I will need to find that inner-strength again that I had a couple of days ago. It is there, hiding right now, but it is there...

CBK