I think in my hurry to write my last post that some things may have been taken as directed to you as you were the person on top of the post.
Sorry about that.
I have been a firefighter 10 yrs. Yes, when you are on the job, you think about what you need to do to get it done. That is a fact. What I am saying, is when the visibility goes to zero, and you can't see a thing, it is her face and the faces of her childen I see. I have found that to be something that helps keep me calm while I move forward. You listen for the fire. You feel the heat from the fire, that is usually how you find them. It is rare you have visibility in a fire. I don't stop moving or stop using my senses, I just picture the girls. I hope that makes more sense.
Think of it like this, have you ever seen someone with a bad cut or seen a bad accident? And when you close your eyes, that is what you see? For me, when it gets pitch black, it is her and her girls I see. I also think about them as I am putting my gear on.
I wasn't giving love to get love back. I thought we were both giving because it was something we both wanted to do. But yes, I did feel I was getting love back.
You wrote: #1...of course there are conditions on love...you hurt my kids...gone...you violate me or cross clear boundaries...you are gone
I agree with what you have written. What I was refering to is your everyday grinding out, working through problems (not coke or abusiveness or things like that) JUST YOUR EVERYDAY PROBLEMS Things like: Your spose had a bad day and is cranky. Or you had a bad day and are cranky. Or you are frustrated because the kids are driving you nuts kinda stuff. Having understanding and not taking it personally.
And you are also right...I wasn't the one for her or so it would seem. I've said, my head is aware of that but the heart felt different.
