Ready for the long ride.

[LucasE]

Thanks again you guys. I am a bit afraid of asking her about the OM. It seems like R talk for sure. Didn't Steve from DR decide that he wouldn't ask questions until he knew he would like her answer? I might not like her answer at all. But I can see where you are right. This should be about honesty and openness, which so far has always been true. For her to really try to insure that I knew that it was for her sister when it wasn't would be the first time she has ever lied to me in 25 years. I guess I don't really know that do I? I am going to have to really consider this action. Isn't it true that it shouldn't matter? I am going to have to do the work either way, right? I'll find out some day if it is real. I have been practicing that response for weeks. Something like, "Oh, that's nice. You do deserve to be loved. I am happy for you." Look how strong I am. I realize that sounds ridiculous, but that is how I would have played the Bomb moment if I could go back. Show strength. Shouldn't I act "as if" the affair doesn't matter?

A friend of mine said, "Well, her covering her tracks shows that she still cares about your feelings." I thought that was sure a good way to look at discovering that your wife is having an affair.

Along the same lines, I had this urge this morning to ask her how she is. I didn't. It seems like a simple and loving question that would show her I care, but I also think that it is R talk. I feel like I have to connect with her somehow. All of these "kid" conversations are just not connecting each other to our true feelings. Or do I let this be the space she is looking for? Maybe asking how she is could allow me to ask if she is dating anyone.

I have recently started my Solution Journal. It is a comfort to reflect on the good moments that would be forgotten. I was riding high on it's effect until I got the misdirected sister text. Since then, I have been using the possibility of her OM as expecting the worst. I am hoping that if I accept that the OM exists then I too will become lighter and have "a better attitude toward the sitch." Sort of giving in to the extent of it all. So far that hasn't quite been the case but it is early. My latest entry would be that she texted me last night to say that the kids were sleeping well. That is something I do every night, per her request, but she usually does not reciprocate. Good sign. That's a baby step, right? Today is bad so far, no contact. Usually by now I would have heard from her. I wish I didn't weigh my happiness on her call but I usually am much happier afterwards.

As for goals, and here comes fear, I am afraid that I might be disappointed when I don't reach them. But here goes, my goal is that in the next two weeks we could have a conversation that addresses real inner thoughts. Not R talk, but true friend stuff. I truly believe that I need to be her best friend first. Even a good friend would be nice for now. Right now it is more like old friends who had a falling out.

As for being upbeat all of the time in her presence, I believe that is what has stabilized the situation. Before she was angry at me every other encounter. Now we are pleasant most of the time. Tension only exists when discussing weekend schedules and the like. If I'm cool, she's cool. Upbeat stopped the crumbling.

A little more information about my situation. Her sister loves me. Her friends love me. Her mom loves me. I'm confident they will do what they can to help if the opportunity arises. The smart ones haven't told her she is blowing it. The others have been rejected by W. I stopped asking for their help early on. I had to figure out that one all by myself. (Her best friend has a big mouth.)

Oh, I forgot to add another important MLC element. W's father was a very important figure in W's life. She worked for him and he was a legend in his field. His death three years ago was a loss of her career, loss of her connection to the inner circle that was her life, loss of her hero, her mentor, and a loss of her father. She seemed to be all right, but I believe this has been boiling beneath the surface ever since he died.

UPDATE: Yes, she was all dolled up this morning. She was getting in the car when I arrived, so the encounter was brief. I think she does the whole overdone look after we connect too closely for her. The Chameleon Effect, right? She looked stunning. Where is she going today? She was kind. No hug. Ill record the look in my Journal.

I have yet to get the book. Maybe tonight. Thanks again for letting me in your club. I read your words like it's gospel. I will continue to be consistent. And when I can I will explore all of your sitches. I have known some of you for months.

My favorite quotes from my journey have been,
"Strength is sexy."
"Slow and Steady wins the race."
"An amazing thing just happened..." (that one gets me every time.)