think if you could something very simple, such as "Give her time and space but don't TELL her you're giving her time and space", it would even be a huge help.
Okay, now we are on the same page! See what I mean by communication? (me..not you) I thought you were saying that you demanded your wife to either leave OM instantly or else! I can agree with your here.....don't tell them that you are going to wait until doom's day if that's what it takes until they come back home to you b/c they will walk all over you. That is eating cake with tons of cool whip on top! No, I don't think the WW or WH should be told your plan but I do believe that you should back off of any pressure or smothering techniques and just try to make sure you are making any necessary improvements in yourself. I do believe that we should try to be our best around the S as far as being upbeat and positive attitude, etc. to show them that we are going to be okay with or without them and will have a life and move on...if necessary.
As I told you before, if the shoe had been on the other foot....I would have been some kind of war horse! I would not have been near the sweet and understanding wife that some on this board are. If my H had been the WH......I would have probably given him no choice at all about what would happen. I say that, but until we have actually been faced with the issue....we don't know for sure. I keep referring to my personal experience, b/c I never would have thought that people actually get into those type of "crisis" or whatever you want to call it the way I did. And by that, I don't mean to over-use that word for an "excuse" to do wrong by your S. I just know that I did go through something that I never dreamed I would do and neither did my mother. She named off everyone in the family that she would have thought would do something of that nature before she would have believe that I would have. That is why it hurt so badly to know I had disappointed her.
Puppy, perhaps my H had the same thing in mind that you did.....that he was giving me just so much time and then it would be over....he never said. He only said that he would not give me a divorce.
There have been many quotes on the board from time to time about how "love is a choice". I know that I've read the books about love is a decision and happiness is a decision...or choice.... which ever the wording is.....and I try to buy into that, but I have a little problem with it. From the Christian standpoint I can see that being possible when filled with the Spirit, etc.....and I certainly won't get off into doctrine about all of that. From the human viewpoint, it is like I told my H when we were reading that book "Love is a Decision".....what if I just looked out there across the street at my neighbor and said, "Well, since love is a decision, I decide I love old so & so there. I have absolutely no feelings for the old codger and he is M and has gown grandchildren, but I have decide from now on that I will be in love with him". Well, it would not matter if he was M or not, I still have a problem with that where a M relationship is concerned b/c there is suppose to be intimacy in a M. To me, I have to have "feelings" to be intimate with a person! To some degree, I feel the same thing about happiness being a choice. That is easy to say if you don't have a baby with cancer that is dying, or you don't know where your next meal is coming from, or you are homeless. I understand where the authors are trying to come from and get the message across to the readers......but I still struggle with some of the theory there. To me, where M and family and close friends are concerned....it's more than a "decision"....it is feelings involved. If a person has no feelings for me, I don't want them to be M to me just b/c that was their decision to do so!
Without stirring up a hornet's nest, I would be very interested in knowing something. Is there anyone out there that has made this quote that was the WAS? Or....has this particular quote on love being a decision been made only by the LBS that are usually still in love with their S? B/c every story I have read on this board from the LBS usually states how much in love they still are with their WAS. I am just curious.....not trying to cause a problem or be sarcastic in any way. However, when a person feels that the "lovin feelings are gone".....it sure is hard to keep that "decision" going!
As usual, that is just my opinion, for whatever it's worth.
Later guys,
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
