Patience is key

[W2G]

Hi Addie,

I don't have any helpful information for you.. I too feel like I let my H walk over me... but for some reason my anger has disappeared.. not sure how or why.. but then my H doesn't spend the night (excluding the jaw surgery week or so).

Anyway, I just wanted to post and let you know I was reading and sending you big hugs!

(((Addie)))
W2G

[stella_k]

I've been struggling with feelings of anger and resentment over the last couple of weeks. I feel I need to talk to H about establishing boundaries but don't know how to bring it up without sounding resentful.

Addie, once again we feel in unison :). I was slipping into the blue moods as well! I wonder if it's happening because of all the positives we were getting lately. I feel drained, resentful, you name it, I want something to happen NOW. Then I go and reread the MLC 6 stages. Our Hs are classic MLCers, there is no doubt about it. And MLCers are not to be rushed, scorned and/or given ultimatums. It takes as long as it takes.

I really don't know what advice to give, as I'm in the same stage and in the same mood. One thing I'm sure of, though: you are NOT a doormat, Addie! Everything you do sounds so right to me.

Sorry, I wasn't much help. Let me sleep on it, may be tomorrow I will come up with some brilliant idea .

[JenInVen]

Hi Addie

Sorry I don't have much either. Have you tried to talk to him about this? Maybe a good convo would be good? I'd have difficulties with his though because I have this great way of making the other person defensive.

I think that being distant isn't going to work. I think that'll drive him away.

Hopefully someone with experience in the area will pop by.

Jen

[CBK]

Addie,

I think I would set boundaries on staying over - which may be difficult. He should just not assume the door is always open for him to come and go as he pleases. This is just my opinion, but I do think he is getting the best of his worlds right now.

Be strong, composed and really think what YOU want to happen.

CBK

[addie]

Hi all! Thanks so much for the feedback.

I'm feeling upset about a few things other than the ones I mentioned earlier. 1) The potential job and the fact that H even considered taking a position in another city knowing that he'll be away from S11. How can he justify this decision, how can he consider a second move across the country in less than a year? 2) The motorcycle license - just a few weeks ago he was complaining about finances and wanting to move back because of it. Now he's finished his contract, has no other income at the moment but has spent hundreds of $$$ on a motorcycle course and wants to get a motorcycle, is paying for all expenses here and the place he's renting. He's totally f**ed up. Luckily we have separate accounts. I'm not bailing him out of this. I guess he can cash out other assets if he wants to.
I think it's a culmination of everything that has gotten me feeling this way. I agree that I should have a convo with H. He can't just come and go as he pleases. I've allowed it to happen but now boundaries have to be enforced. He called me this morning but I didn't pick up or call back. I have to let go of some of these negative feelings before I talk to him.

[CBK]

Deep breathes Addie - you are right, don't talk to him with all these negative feelings, you will blow. Keep writing here or in your journal. Go for a walk - do something. For some reason, sounds like many of us are having a tough day - let's stick together and get through tonight, one hour at a time, one day at a time.

Be well Addie,

CBK

[addie]

Thanks CBK - I was able to calm down. It helped to vent on here and get support.

H came over last night (called first). He played ball with S outside. I had gone for a walk to the lake by myself to watch the beautiful sunset and clear my head. While they were outside I put on an upbeat CD, had a bit of Port and did some cleaning up. I was actually in a much better mood.
After S went to bed, I had a cup of tea, watched the news, read the paper and then went to the bedroom to read. H was quietly playing his acoustic guitar, going through some songs. At about 11:30 I told him I was going to sleep and asked him to lock up when he left.

A while later he comes into the bedroom, lies down on the bed and says he'd like to ask me a few questions. It was an extremely ODD conversation.

H- You have many, many wonderful qualities
Me- Thank you for saying that
H- When we ML did you ever feel you had to get drunk to have s*x
Me- Definitely not
H- Did you feel satisfied when we had s*x
M- Most of the time yes but not always. (I went on to explain this.)
H- Did you enjoy s*x
Me Yes very much
H- How important do you think s*x is in a M
Me- Very important. It plays a major part in a M
H-How do you define a normal R
Me- That's a very broad question and it's different things for different people
H-When we were going out, did you get mad at me if we didn't see each other every day, if I was doing other things and I didn't see you
M-No. I didn't expect to see you every day. We each had our own lives independent of each other
H-You think it's important to do your own things
M-Yes. We've always pursued interests independent of each other. I don't think we have to spend all our time together

I have no idea what all this was about. Our s*x life was always pretty good. The only thing I can make of it is that these are some of the issues he is/was having with OW.
He also said that he's very, very ashamed of how he's treated me. Then I said to him "As much as all of this has been so very difficult on S11 and me, I think it's been much more difficult for you. You are in a lot of turmoil. To be honest, I wouldn't want to be in your shoes".
Then he asked me about S and how he'd be affected. I told him that kids would ALWAYS be affected by their parents D, even adult children would be affected. At this point while H was lying in bed, I told him it's not a good idea that he stays over, that it must be very confusing for S to see him in our bed in the mornings. He said he'd leave. I told him that he is obviously so very confused, that I don't want to be dragged into that confusion and that he should really seek help in dealing with his issues. He agreed that he needs help. He left and I gave him a hug as he was leaving.

[W2G]

Addie!!!

You were amazing during this interaction. Very strong.. set the boundaries you were wanting!!!!! Very well done!!!!

The s&x conversation was VERY interesting... I wouldn't assume it has anything to do with OW.. it could be anything.. like maybe he has never felt that he is able to completely satisfy a partner in the bedroom.. that would be tough on his esteem.. Anyway, just throwing out another possibility.. but like I said there are many, many things that could be causing him to come to you with these questions.. and only he knows why!

Hugs,
W2G

[Connie44]

hhhmmm- my thought is that maybe H is trying to determine how your M would be if you got back together- it sounds like he wants to make sure you'd be OK with him having some seperate interests- just a thought-

Maybe the s*x questions were because you aren't having s*x now and he wants to know that you would ML if you were back together-its just a thought but it seems that many men who know they treated you badly are afraid if they come back, the W will withhold s*x as punishment- not saying thats your case- just an idea-

[addie]

W2G and Confused thanks for offering your perspectives.
I hadn't thought about some of those things but in light of what happened today it may be that he was trying to determine things.
However, 2 questions made me think some of this was about OW. 1)the one about getting drunk and having s*x - I very rarely drank so I have no idea where this is coming from 2)the one about when we were going out whether I would get mad when he wasn't available. My H has always pursued many different interests on his own. I do know that his self esteem is at a really low point right now because he's out of work and that is so very important to him.


Update
H called today and asked me if I think our M is salvageable, especially in light of the fact that we'll probably continue to live apart (different cities)due to jobs.
I said that it could be salvaged but it would take a lot of hard work from both of us. First there are some issues that need to be addressed. He asked me to write down what I think I would need to be done in order to salvage the marriage, but that he can't guarantee he'll be able to do all of them.

That's where things stand at the moment.