Yes, I have tried on several occassions to kick him out. I have put all his clothes in brown paper bags on the porch with a note saying "goodbye." He just unlocks the doors and says "you can't legally kick me out. My name is on the mortage." He has spoken to a lawyer at some point who told him that unless I am being physically abused, I have no right to make him leave. I guess I could lie to the police and say that he is abusing me, but I really don't want to be a liar at all in any of this. I looked into abandonment, and that says that he has to be gone for 1 full year.
Before he knew this information, I did kick him out. I took his keys from him and made him leave. I was stupid and took him back in because he was crying and saying that he loved me and wanted to work things out. But I know that freaked him out though that I kicked him out. And if there was any way I could do it again, that would freak him out again.
This is just all so much more than I can handle right now. I feel so overwhelmed. I just want to go home and cry. I have been holding in tears all day. However, I have plans to meet my mom to exercise and then a guitar lesson after that, so I will have to wait until later this evening before I can have my cry.
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
Hi Starshyne, I am sorry for what you are going through. Even though your H doesn't want counseling, have you tried talking to someone on your own. That is what the DB coaches are experts at. THey work almost exclusively with the one spouse that wants to work on the relationship. THere support helps keep you strong and focused on what needs to be done in your particular situation. Take good care of yourself.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
He just unlocks the doors and says "you can't legally kick me out. My name is on the mortage." He has spoken to a lawyer at some point who told him that unless I am being physically abused, I have no right to make him leave.
That is so infuriating. I would feel differently about it if he was contributing. I am curious to see what the lawyer says about this. It may be that you would have to file for a legal separation to get him out of the house. Who knows, that could be the route to go to protect your sanity, your credit, and let him know you mean business.
Remember that the lawyer appt. is just for info gathering. You don't have to do anything, you are just having some questions answered. Knowledge is power.
I know you are overwhelmed and are having advice shoved at you from every direction....just take it one step at a time and take whatever advice you find useful. You are the only one that truly knows your sitch and your H. If you need to have a good cry, then have one.
Sounds like you have some good things planned for the evening. It is good to get frustrations out through exercies.
First, don't see divorce as the end. You may have to divorce him to wake him up. I find some people having affairs need a LOT of push and damage and action on OUR end to see that we won't tolerate their actions.
He depends on you for practical matters which is what my situation is as well. My wife (CL) is seeing a man on the internet long distance (met him in person several times that I know of) and she isn't working right now. I pay for everything, I work 80 hours a week to cover both our costs, while she sits on the PC all day playing with him in chat rooms.
My point is your husband does realise on some level that you have something to offer him. He just wont' grow up and these women he is seeing are confusing him about what it takes to make a marriage work. I think you may have to cut him off financially and divorce him for him to realise what this takes. Don't see divorce as an end, see it as another step in the db process...which is what it is.
As far as what HIS lawyer told him, I wouldn't reccomend accepting that at face value. I would not trust any legal advice that came from him OR his lawyer.
Throwing him out, shocking him, divorcing him, these all will stir him up and shake the delicate world he has created for himself, but he needs to grow as a person yet. Until he's willing to go to db counselling with you and educate himself on what grown up relationships are and what they take to work this back and forth isn't going to be enough.
I would keep pushing for the divorce and tell him you want db counselling as an alternative, and that He has to do WHATEVER the counsellor tells him to do.
1. Just because he CAN use cash to buy things isn't an excuse NOT to use credit card wherever possible and to turn over all receipts to you. 2. Just because he CAN erase cell phone message is no reason not to turn over hte phone to you for investigation later on.
The problem here from what I am reading is that he doens't get what it takes to make a relationship work or what the benefits are. He wants to keep playing in stage one relationships and not cultivate anything lasting. This is fine when you are 20 but if you wait too long you will retire ALONE and die ALONE.
A lot of us guys have trouble getting this key concept. Marriage is an investment in a lifetime together, its not a chance to play house and bail when you get bored with it. Many men approach it this way, as a fantasy to play at but not take seriously when it comes time to sacrifice some freedom, or to respect and steer clear of the boundaries that puts marriages at risk in the first place.
My wife (CL) has'nt figured this out yet. She flirts with men on the internet and hangs out with men who don't give much are to her commitment to our home. She thinks as long as you aren't having sex then its all healthy and good fun, and my distress at this is just me being controlling. Its not, and I know that now, I am just protecting something delicate and precoius - a marriage. Your husband needs to learn how delicate marriages are, and that "in sickness and in health" includes a sick relationship.
When things get ugly this is time to make some sacrifices, not bail or escape into affairs, gambling, or alcohol to take the edge off.
He doesn't GET any of this apparently. You and him need counselling to get there. You said he claimed "I already know what they are going to say", well, that's not a reason not to go.
1. We don't go to counselling to hear things said, known or not, we go there to heal, grow, and bond as a couple. Education is just a positive byproduct counselling brings to a marriage. 2. How can he possibly know what a professional counsellor with years of full time experience is going to say? 3. your relationship will benefit much from professoinal counselling, and him committing to counselling is committing to you. Let him know this, that if he wants to work on things then he must go to counselling and do what it takes to heal and give him time to grow.
This is something I am learning, that growth is an important part of the process, and counselling helps us get there.
Don't try to to grow him up on your own...there are professional counsellors here that can do that, patiently, objectively, efficiently, and with much less pain on your end. He needs a strong wise influence in his life. A counsellor just needs to meet with him privately to win his trust first, and then you are on your way.
Continue with the divorce proceedings unless he is willing to commit to counselling, doing whatever counselling dictates to heal, and growing as a human being.
