Bring on the Rain

[SueS]

Thanks everyone-

It was really a tough night. I haven't slept well all week and then that happens. I've started to get that pit in my stomach again. The one that makes you not want to eat anything.

Last night H got home and I heard him come up to my side of the bed for just a second. I guess to see if I was awake. I heard him change clothes and leave to go workout. He moved D4 from my bed into her own and then came to lay down in my bed. He didn't try for sex, but got close to me. Not sure what the deal was. I've tried to hard not to show my emotions to H because I always felt that he looked at me as weak if I broke down, but they had just poured out in anger & tears last night on the phone & I think maybe I surprised him. Maybe he came in just to ease his own guilt. Who knows anymore. I feel horrible for breaking down in front of D4 last night. I just couldn't help it. There was no hiding from her. I'm supposed to be her rock and I crumbled. I made sure to tell her that mommy & daddy both love her very much.

I need some stability in my life. I know that I've gone through unstable times for a long time now, but I know I'm headed for an even more unstable time the next few months. I just need to keep my focus on D4. She's too important for me to fall apart now.

H just called me a few minutes ago. He is planning on being home tonight and promised D4 that he'd pick up pizza for us.

I miss the good times, but I'm sure ready to be away from this mess. I'm tired and I need some relief. My mom asked me if she could buy me a massage for Mother's Day. Of course I accepted! Then I think I'll treat myself to a manicure & pedicure.

D4 and I have a birthday party to go to tomorrow. She's so excited.

SueS