Help Me Act AS IF, Part 5

[newnamenewlife]

I'm a mess today. My H is clearly bound and determined to leave our M forever. He likes to see me being strong and GAL because it frees him. He is not going to come back to me ever, no matter what I do or don't do--sob or be strong, it doesn't matter to him. Something is funadamentally missing and he can't stay in our M. I know it's important for ME to stay strong, but I feel like I really have to give up all hope that we will ever be together again.

I guess until he leaves, I won't be able to really move on. It's too hard. Tonight we are all going to a friend's house for dinner (they don't know our situation), tomorrow we are all going to his aunt's 80th birthday party. Most of his family knows and I feel ashamed in front of them now--unwanted. I told his mom that maybe I should stay home and she said she wants me to come and so does the aunt.

I am just so confused. Last night H&I had that long talk and it seems pretty clear that the only way we can afford for him to rent an apt is to rent out our third floor. Yet this morning we were talking about what to do with a gift card and H said--in front of the kids "why don't we use it to get an extra chair for the family room."

Well, there's not going to be a family room if we rent our third floor. It will have to become my bedroom--so why did he say that? He talks about building a shed in the yard for our bikes (his included) and gardening as if he's going to be here.

And I got a pedicure already, btw.

[cw68]

LMG, gentle 2x4 coming here, be prepared. Stop with the feelings of being unwanted. Trust me, I understand where they come from, but that's not the reality. You hold your head up, you hear? Your H is the one who will be on the receiving end of any "shame" there may be.

Sir is right, you need to step up now. For yourself, for your kids. You start taking some control. The ideas about the mediator are good. Your H doesn't like seeing you strong and GAL because it frees him, btw. He likes seeing you strong and GAL because it is you. That's who you are. You don't have to give up all hope, but you have to detach. You have to, in as much as you can. You being strong is the best chance you have for you, your family and/or your marriage. You don't have to like this place, but you have to accept it.

Only you can pick yourself up and you are capable of this. Really.

[newnamenewlife]

I know. I have been doing pretty well, being strong, but last night's convo just took me down. Detaching sounds great, but it seems to be a process. Each time I detach a bit more, some flesh gets ripped off.

You know the Ferber method for getting babies to sleep better? I feel like my H is using that on me--he lets me cry, suffer, hurt and doesn't come to me but instead forces me to self-soothe. Self soothing is empowering, but it's also very lonely.

Anyway, onward...

[newnamenewlife]

I know. I have been doing pretty well, being strong, but last night's convo just took me down. Detaching sounds great, but it seems to be a process. Each time I detach a bit more, some flesh gets ripped off.

You know the Ferber method for getting babies to sleep better? I feel like my H is using that on me--he lets me cry, suffer, hurt and doesn't come to me but instead forces me to self-soothe. Self soothing is empowering, but it's also very lonely.

Anyway, onward...

[Treese]

LMG;

I get what you mean about self soothing.....I am alone every night...a lot of nights I dont talk to anyone after my kids go to bed...it's getting very lonely....most nights I cry myself to sleep..I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself but I just miss him...

I feel the same about feeling like he's never coming back...since they look so absolute and sure of themselves it makes us think we are the ones going crazy.....I think I have a little understanding of what my H is doing but he would neve admit to it...I know him like a book....I really do...and he keeps saying I dont...

Anyway, I too just keep trying to detach myself and not care...


Treese

[newnamenewlife]

Last night I went with a friend to a school auction--only for parents, no kids. It was a lot of fun but it's so weird to be going everywhere without H lately. Everyone, it seems, is married. I get these little bursts of excitement at the the thought of being single and dating again, but then my heart sinks when I look at what's out there when you're my age--married men (not going there), divorced men with ex-wives and kids and their own sagas, and never-married men (gotta wonder why). I just feel profoundly lonely and pessimistic on the future-relationship front. Also, my H isn't super handsome, but he's very fit and has a full head of hair and is pretty cute compared to what the other men his age look like (I know, I'm shallow.)

I came home and H was in bed. I just wanted so much to tap him on the shoulder and say "c'mon, let's just kiss and make up," but of course I wouldn't have dared. I miss skin-to-skin contact; it's hard to lie there and no be allowed to touch him at all.

Many of my friends think he's going through a phase and will come around, but from what he says, it seems highly unlikely. They all have stories of guys they knew who went through this and came back. So that gets my hopes up.

On the other hand, of course I deserve more (H tells me this too, which burns me up.) I just don't want to lose my M and break up our family to get it. I'd rather grow the green grass right under my feet, as they say.

Another issue H&I discussed the other night: When should he move out? I think ideally it shouldn't happen until our D11 is at her new school and settled there, so that everything in her life is not changing and new/unknown all at once (she's also going to sleepaway camp for the first time in July. She is a major worrier and I think tossing our S into her life at the same time as she anticipates the new camp/new school stuff would be too much for her.
H agrees in theory, not sure what he's going to do though. If we go with that plan, that means several more months of living like this, which is getting really hard. And then it'll be right before the holidays, which is too sad too. So does that mean we stick it out until January?

Sometimes I think making that kind of plan would be easier to live with than me wondering when the other shoe is going to drop.
Any thoughts?

[Upside]

Hi lmg-

Sometimes I think making that kind of plan would be easier to live with than me wondering when the other shoe is going to drop.
Any thoughts?

There are probably pros and cons to whichever plan you can come up with. Ultimately you just have to do what is right for you and your kids. If you can handle your H staying in the house and believe that it is in your D's best interest that you don't separate until she is more settled then you should try to do that. I have heard that an M stands a better chance when the H and W stay living together but it is much more difficult on the LBS. I have also heard that sometimes the crisis can be worked through faster if the WAS/MLCer leaves the home. You need to weigh through all the information and possible scenarios to come up with your decision.

<3
Upside

[peacetoday]

LMG
Hi
Maybe try to avoid any R talks or S talks
last year my H dropped bomb in feb
talked about moving out but stayed for 4 months then one night he didnt come home and just said im staying at bills
Im still not sure if he really lives there

when your H brings up his plans maybe change subject
I tried to avoid all talks last year
nothing will help anyway..they will go if they can figure it out
we dont have to help them
if he wants to buy a chair for fR..i would let him
and
I would suggest no to renting out 3rd floor.. It wouldnt be appropriate and private or whatever you can say to discourage that
if he wants to move out, he should do it and figure it all out on his own
maybe you could just say i trust youll chose the right decision
or I know you have shared you are unhappy and nothing else
as for us LBS
it is so hard
GAL
stay busy
cry when no one is around
PMA practice
meditate yoga exercise pray
make a new GF
You seem strong and you will get thru it
there is always hope
The crises isnt about you or me
it is them
peace

[newnamenewlife]

Today H emailed me to tell me he made an appt with a mediator and would like to me to join him.

I responded the wrong way, probably. I said I wanted to see a lawyer before anything happens on that front and that just as he doesn't have the right feelings to engage in MC with me, I don't have the right feelings to follow his mutual, amicable plan for S.

I know, I should have just shut up and agreed to go to the mediator. I just feel like I'm already being forced into a S that is wrong for my kids.

[newnamenewlife]

More pain and frustration. H is really pushing me on seeing a mediator with him or seeing a collaborative lawyer. I'm not sure why he is so stuck on wanting to do that before moving out.

When the bomb was first dropped, he said we should see a MC, that he was fully committed to working on our M. For weeks, I tried to get us to reconnect. He resisted at every turn. I would email him about making a plan to go on a date, and he wouldn't respond. I'd ask him again later and he'd act like he wasn't sure what I was talking about. Total passive-aggressive stuff that hurt me and insulted me. It happened over and over and so I gave up on trying.

Well, now I guess I'm playing that game, childish as it may be. He just turned to me and asked if I'd had the chance to visit the collaborative lawyer website he emailed me.
Me: "I didn't have time."
Him: "Are you going to look at it? I thought you said you were going to talk to a lawyer."
Me: "I guess."

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I want to be cooperative but I am so hurt and resentful at the way he has treated me, disrespected our M vows, refused to do MC, ignored all my earlier efforts to schedule dates, ML, etc. I know I can't make him want to be with me, but I just can't seem to let go--esp when it comes to the kids, I just don't want to do it.

I told H recently that I wouldn't stand in his way if he wanted to leave, but that I wasn't inclined to actually help him out. Why is he making such a fuss about seeing a mediator before we can S? Is that him stalling or what? Do we need a formal agreement? I don't see others on these boards being presented with this pre-divorce formality.