Hi back....came in for lunch and saw every one's posts. The one thing I want to keep reminding all of the men (especially) is not to magnify every word and every movement your wife makes. That seems to be something that sticks out in all the LBH posts that I read. Maybe it is in the females also, but seems more like the men's to me. It is as though the wife has finally gotten the H's attention and now he can't stop watching every move and every word....but he blows it up out of proportion. That is not healthy.

I know this is easy for me to type and awfully hard for you to do....but all of you guys try hard not to "weigh" every little thing and wonder if that is a positive sign or a setback or whatever b/c most all the W's are very confused and they are likely to change from hour to hour.....as you well know from your own experiences.

I was going through the very same thing is why I know. I believe b/c of my religious beliefs and my family's position in the church and community......all of it....is what helped me to make myself let go of OM and stay with my H. It was not easy. There are times that I am tempted to just check on him to see how he is doing.......but I know not to open that door again. If he had rejected me or done something to make me unhappy.....it would have been a lot easier, but he didn't....no matter what I said or even the little "tests" I put him through....he would always pass with flying colors. Again, it was the help of wise DB'ers here on the board and reading a lot of books that helped to back up everything I had been told. Even though my heart did not want to cooperate...I knew I had to do the right things. I'll tell you something that you won't want to hear.....but I missed him. Yes, I did. And....I grieved for him for a long time....and that was just an EA! But, it was the "fantasy".....don't you see? The fantasy I had built up in my mind of how wonderful life with him could be......that is what I missed.....and of course the fuel he supplied to my ego.
That is why I keep telling all of you to keep having lots and lots of patient and give it a lot of time.....a lot of time!

So, I pray for all of you that responded today b/c I know it is hell for everyone. I just pray that you will have the strength to hang on and that your W's will come out of the fog and see the light soon. Very few do it in a short time and of course it depends on how deeply or how long the A was going on.....all the circumstances involved. If I had ever had a PA with the OM, I would hate to know what kind of shape I would be in today.

My process has been very, very slow and some got kind of put out with me b/c they didn't think I was doing everything or working hard enough to "spark" things up in my M, but we have to go at the pace we feel that we can go and like I've told all of you....do what feels right for your stitch. When there are health problems involved....that certainly makes a difference (which is mostly my problem now) and there are other factors also that we don't always talk about. Take the advice of others, but it is your life and we are not professionals.....just broken people trying to get healed and get our M back on the right track again. Some of us have been down the road before the others and we can tell them what works or doesn't work very well.....and we can cry and pray with each other....and at times even laugh at ourselves. But we all share something special here in this community. It's like we get to be a "family" in a way.....some of us have disagreements just like brothers and sisters (lol).....but still....we care. I think that is pretty special and I am thankful for Michelle and whoever else is responsible for this board that gives us that opportunity.

You all take care.

Sandi

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!