W came into office where I hang out and wanted apologize how she said that she was in love with this other guy... didn't want to hurt me... blah, blah, blah. Well, we got into a huge R talk - I was doing so well until she came up and started talking to me...
Basically I slid all the way back to zero. Told W that I am here, being friends will be very difficult, we can work this out, and I know that she is not in a place to make this decision. This was an hour and a half conversation... I know she is totally torn up right now as I am - she asked what I wanted, I said to give us a chance when she is ready - I get not wanting to settle adn that the feeling needs to be there for her and I just hope that if and when it comes back, I am there. I did acknowledge that I knew she couldn't make this decision right now. She thought that it may be easier if one of us moved out, I said no, that makes no sense and I am going to give her the space she needs to make this decision - that I am going to the most difficult thing that I have ever done and that is to detach from her so she can get her space.
What a night - I thought after MC I was doing so well, knew I was "fragile" and wish I would have just accepted her apology and let her go.
I am so bummed that I backslid. W at the end said we need to take this hour by hour. I guess I saw that as a good sign.
Groan....
CBK
Hi, CBK. I want to circle back to something you said here:
Quote:
I am going to give her the space she needs to make this decision - that I am going to the most difficult thing that I have ever done and that is to detach from her so she can get her space.
I think you need to make an important distinction between your own "detachment," and giving your WIFE "time and space." They are not at all the same thing.
WE -- betrayed spouses -- need to learn to emotionally detach. "Loving detachment" is very hard to learn, but so very important in DBing.
OUR WAYWARD SPOUSES -- in my opinion -- do NOT need to be "given space" or "given time" with which to make up their minds as to what they want to do. "Love is a decision," it is said, and I also firmly believe that "no-contact" is also a decision. Almost always, when a wayward spouse asks for "space," they mean "space in which to more freely conduct my affair."
So then, where does PATIENCE come in? We need to give them "time" to regain their feelings for us. We need to give them "time" to go thru withdrawal, and lose their feelings for their OM/OW, once they end all contact. We need to give them "time" to decide if they feel that this reconciliation that we ask them to go thru with us is WORKING.
But we do NOT need to -- nor would I advocate -- giving them "time and space" to answer the following question:
"Will you end your affair, agree to no contact forever, and come back and work on our marriage with me?"
That is just my opinion, but I think if you read the hundreds of stories on just this very forum, it confirms it. I just don't see a lot of success with what I call the "Little Bo-Peep Method": you know, "leave them alone, and they'll come home, wagging their tails behind them.
