Its amazing that your H is willing to work on his issues many others spend years still running from the exact thing what a blessing for you and your family
hi peace- I'm also willing to work on my issues. Maybe that has helped spur things along for h willing to work on himself. C asked him yesterday why he made decision to move back and he said that when he wasn't home, he realized what he missed.
ST- cute analogy.
I have to admit that I have fears that creep in every once in a while that tell me that this may not last, that maybe he'll change his mind and move out again. That's usually when we're not together. When we are together, I get a good feeling.
I have to admit that I have fears that creep in every once in a while that tell me that this may not last, that maybe he'll change his mind and move out again. That's usually when we're not together. When we are together, I get a good feeling.
Scary feeling isn't it? Especially when you read about others with spouses who leave again.
NA don't be complacent, but don't be a doormat either. I don't think you're going to do either.
That feeling fades with time, although it still does bite you every now and then.
Last edited by Jack_Three_Beans; 05/02/0804:53 PM.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Hi na- You are where so many of us here long to be. Your H is willing to do the work on himself and the M. When those fears pop into your head, remind yourself of that...and at the same time try to remember that IF that MLC alien were ever to reappear, you know you will survive. Focus on that good feeling you have when you and your H are together and try to carry that with you when you aren't together.
Count your blessings everyday...for you are in a good place and hopefully with time (and work) it will just get better.
hey, if you were having those feeling when he IS around, then maybe you should be fearful, but your feeling good, so WHY fear?!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
NA That is nice that H missed you while gone if only it were that easy for the rest of us! You are doing well and I too think those fears are normal after all trust has to be built again takes time good luck peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
NA don't be complacent, but don't be a doormat either. I don't think you're going to do either.
That feeling fades with time, although it still does bite you every now and then.
Thanks Jack. It's nice to hear that the feeling fades. I am far from complacent, but also far from being a doormat. With h, I've always had a tendency to say what's on my mind, so I've been working on doing that in a constructive way.
Upside, peace, ST - Thanks for the encouragement. I appreciate it so much.
I spent a little time looking through some of my old threads for my goals (just a little time, because it was too depressing...) Here is what I posted last July (current comments in BOLD print):
1. My main goal is to trust H, but I know that is not action-oriented enough. I think I need help with what I can do to reach this goal. Still here, but getting a little better, I think
2. H and I will talk about the future together, including financial issues, and make plans beyond next week. Goal met!
3. I'll be calmer, more patient and will work at reducing stress. Get back into a walking routine. I can honestly say that I'm a much calmer and more patient person these days, although I occassionally lose my cool. I need to keep doing what is working.
4. H and I will be more affectionate, kiss each other goodbye, give hugs, touches. Goal met! We're not as affectionate as I would like in all ways, so I guess that's the makings for a new goal.
5. We will sleep in the same bed every night. Almost there. He's zonked out on the couch some nights, but is usually in bed. He has not spent the night at the condo since he told me he was moving home.
Now I have to find my short-term me-oriented goals. I know they're around here somewhere...
1. Focus on being calmer and more patient. See previous post. Doing pretty good here.
2. Focus on my kids and on creating the best home and family that I can. Doing pretty good here, still stressful, esp. with money issues.
3. Walk for at least 20 minutes a day, weather-permitting. Failing a little on this one. Now that the weather is so nice, i need to get back into my routine.
4. Attend weekly yoga class. Still going! Still liking it.
5. Plan at least one home-improvement activity each month and follow-through on it. I need to get back to this, but now with h around, I don't want to resort to expecting him to do things and getting frustrated when he doesn't. That has been a pattern for us over the years. I would like to be able to work as a team to get things done around here.
That felt good. OK, now I need to come up with a new list of goals.
I need to get back to this, but now with h around, I don't want to resort to expecting him to do things and getting frustrated when he doesn't. That has been a pattern for us over the years. I would like to be able to work as a team to get things done around here.
Well as this is a goal for YOU and not him, if he helps, great if he doesn't do it for yourself anyway. You're fault if you get upset with him for not assisting you with YOUR goals. If it really bothers you talk to him about it.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Well as this is a goal for YOU and not him, if he helps, great if he doesn't do it for yourself anyway. You're fault if you get upset with him for not assisting you with YOUR goals. If it really bothers you talk to him about it.
Hmmm... what really bothers me is when he says he'll do something and he doesn't follow through. This applies mainly to house stuff, but happens in other areas too. Are you saying don't ask for help? We discussed this at our last MC session and the C though he should offer to help more, since it's hard for me to ask for help, in general.
It's always been hard for me to ask for help too. Still is, but I'm learning. I've surprised myself at the peolple I've asked for help since all this started. The answer isn't always yes, and that's ok too.
B/c H and I don't see a C (or hardly each other) I don't ask him for any sort of help. If there's something I can't do alone (or with D's) around the house I ask a friend or neighbor or budget it in and hire someone. That's the best I've been able to do. If you can talk to your H.....so much the better.
