Pregnant and heading for acceptance #2

[blindsided1]

RWS - I'm with ST on the details of my life issue. I try not to give too much information. I just want him to know that I'm NOT sitting at home missing him 24 hours a day. I limit the amount of info I give him because it really isn't his business who I am with. And, as far as the calling me back response: ST is dead on with this one. I needed to do it for me because he usually says "I'll call you back" and then doesn't. So, I needed to take control and it worked. I did not expect his call and I felt better. As for OW. I think more than wanting a baby daddy, she wants someone to marry her. She decided that she wanted MY H. I'm sure the next step is to try and get pregnant. As far as her having her own kids, I honestly think it's a choice she made. It sounds to me like she is more involved in her own life than she is raising her children. Her ex (according to my H) was a drug addict and a gambling addict. So, I'm not sure how he would have been awarded custody, if she didn't GIVE it to him. I'm just not sure what is going on with that sitch. I can't even imagine NOT spending as much time with my childred as possible.

SO2 - I don't know if my H even really cares whether I want him around or not. He seems pretty shallow. There are times when I blow him off and then he calls/txt repeatedly. Then there are times when he couldn't care less, it seems. It's beyond me how he can just toss me aside and replace me so easily. I feel like I really never meant anything to him. And, I have to admit that there were times in our R where I felt as though he was only with me because it was a place to live and he had someone to take care of him.

ST - my new word(s) will be "good, thanks" with a smile on my face, Forrest.

Forrest - good points.
1. Good or great
2. I will
3. I do this already kind of
4. Already signed up for classes. I have class a couple times a week for the whole month of May. I'll be busy, believe me.
5. Working on this, but it is a huge open wound to me that I just can't seem to stop picking at.
6. Usually, I don't initiate texts or call. There are times when I have, but it's mostly when I need to ask him about $$$ or tell him something about Doctor or our daughter. I NEVER say "how are you doing" or anything along those lines. Most the time, I don't want to know how he is doing because he usually just rubs it in my face that "they" are doing this or "they" are doing that. Like somehow his life is sooooo much better without me.

I get to a place where I feel really strong and I think...."go ahead and call/text, I'm just going to ignore it" and I really feel strongly about it. It's usually those times that he chooses NOT to call/text for a day or two. Then by the time he does, I'm so upset that he hasn't, that I give in. I know, I know....WEAK!

KML - the fact that she doesn't take them on the weekends or her days off, is a HUGE red flag to me. I know that her work schedule is odd. She works 3-4 days a week 7p-7a. I believe it is Sun, Mon, Wed and every other Fri. But, that leaves a ton of time to have her kids. Not sure how to investigate further into why or what the actually sitch is.

Tomato - thanks for stopping by. I hope you have a wonderful birthday weekend.

GM - I know that our sitch are similar. It really hurts a lot. I have not restricted anything from H. I have encouraged him as much as possible to come be a part of this pregnancy and he dropped the ball. I guess it just wasn't exciting anymore. I have told him repeatedly that he can see our D as often as he likes. But, I am not inclined to hand over a newborn that is breastfeeding for overnights at a home where I don't know the people who live there, that obviously have low morals and standard. There is a boxer puppy and two cats that are in this tiny apartment, that are not supposed to be there in the first place. I'm not jumping at the chance to hand over the baby to a H that refused to NOT smoke around me in early preganancy, drives erradically, has anger issues, refuses to take responsibility for himself and really doesn't take care of himself, just leaves it up to other people. He even told me that he wants the baby so he can show her off like a trophy to his friends. That made my stomach turn.

So, it's Friday. I haven't heard from him, but I'm okay. He knows that I have a Doctor's appointment, but as usual, hasn't shown interest. This morning I was driving to work and all I kept thinking about was what if he goes for 50/50 custody. I really DO NOT believe that he would want 50/50 except for one reason - to save him money. He is not a very responsible person and it scares me to death that he would have her that much. I would worry for her safety constantly. He's impatient and not very nurturing. I know that he would just hand the care over to the OW because I really believe he CAN'T do it. It is weighing on my mind so heavily. I would gladly take less CS to insure that my D is safe and healthy with me the majority of the time.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

"There are times when I blow him off and then he calls/txt repeatedly. Then there are times when he couldn't care less, it seems. It's beyond me how he can just toss me aside and replace me so easily."

B, this is still another assumption. I know your assuming that because he's not calling/txting that it means he could care less...but what if instead he's feeling hurt and therefore not wanting to contact. who really knows. You can feel that he doesn't care, but you really don't know.

this is part of not taking things personally. all of us don't ever really know the EXACT reasons why our spouses do the things they do, and it could very well have nothing to do with us.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

"He even told me that he wants the baby so he can show her off like a trophy to his friends."

I wouldn't take that too bad B. I think that's a typical guy response. They are just proud, and are wanting to show off their baby.

on the smoking thing, that is pretty insensitive/selfish, but possibly since he was already in his mind, not M to you, that he was doing it because of control. A lot of the things they do, IMHO, is due to control.


I think your doing really good now B, just keep it up. and remember, you DON'T want your H the way he is now, but perhaps by your efforts and God, he will change.

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hi Blindsided,

I am hearing a strong, independent woman out there! Atta girl! You have progressed a long way, even without the Peanut Butter Captain Crunch.

Best,

--Chris

[blindsided1]

I know that I take things personally. Today is taking a downward turn. I'm trying to turn it around. I had an ultrasound today and each time I see her face and here her little heart beat, I think to myself..."how could this be happening to our family?" I hate him a little each time for this. For turning everyone's world upside down. For doing things the way he did. For not choosing to love his wife. Oka, I'm going to stop now. All I'm doing is wallowing. I'm just a little sad right now.

I'm trying to be really strong and NOT dwell on the things that I can't change. It's really hard. There are moments when it just overwhelms me (the emotion and sadness). But, I am finding out that those times pass fairly quickly now.

So, off to the weekend. I have IC tonight and tomorrow is my nephews first communion. The evenings will be hard. I could meet up with some friends, but I have a ton of stuff to do around the house before baby comes. The only problem with that is that I take breaks and then the sad thoughts creep in.

[Tomato]

B

It sounds like all you have to do is to think of something in advance to occupy your mind during those breaks from doing stuff around the house.

Eliminate angry, resentful thoughts. Think acceptance. Praise God from whom all blessings come. Kendall is now and of course will always be a #1 blessing.

[kml]

As to OW - first step is to go online and see if there are any public records with her name on them. Arrests, other public filings. I know when my brother was falsely accused and arrested, I could go online and see not only his info, but found out my other brother had a traffic fine! Snoop around online for county records if you know what county she was in.

Unlikely her ex got custody if he was a gambler and drug addict. Perhaps it's a classic case of projection, and OW is the gambler and drug addict?

Maybe someone else here can offer you some P.I. tips.

Ellie

[Forrest Gump]

"The evenings will be hard."

Listen.. the further along you get the more "evenings" you will have. You need to get yourself into a relaxing routine now. Make sure there are movies to watch. Food in the house. Comfort all around. NOW.. is the time to be doing this. You need to think 30-40 days from now in everything you do. Get a Ipod and get it set up with great music. Blockbuster online. Make sure you have a steady line of movies you and "Jane" can snuggle up to. Get you some candles.. some bubble bath..

Have the girls from work come over and rearrange the house.. make it your place. Take down the pictures or the nick-nacks that "remind" you.

"The only problem with that is that I take breaks and then the sad thoughts creep in."

I hear you.. Alone time will bite you.. every time.

No txting!! Stop it.. Right now.. If you get one.. post it up we will make fun of it. He can't see you smiling that way. I don't care if it is fake. Smiling is what I want to see.

[blindsided1]

Thanks Ellie and Forrest. I actually did go on line and tried to find out any info I could on her, early on. Not much to be found that way.

The evenings ARE hard. I have tons of things to do, but I get sorrowful and I tend to start thinking about H. I'm doing it now. It's different though than most of the time. I started crying tonight because I miss my H. I miss his love and companionship. I miss being M to him. I miss knowing he is my family. I don't feel that he is my family anymore and it hurts my heart. This crying was not the gut wrenching pit in my stomach kind of crying. It was genuinely sad as though someone has died. In a way, someone has.

I have rearranged the house and I took everything that reminded me of my H down early on in the separation. I couldn't look at our wedding pictures or things he gave me or cards he wrote. The only thing I still have out is my wedding ring, sitting on my finger, reminding me everyday that I am M to a man who doesn't love me or want to be M to me. I am reluctant to take it off, but I think I am getting closer. I look at it now and it doesn't have the same feeling. I wish I could look at it an know it means love and committment. But, I guess only I believed that was what a M meant.

I'll get through tonight and hopefully back on track. No communication from H in a couple days. I'm sure that is part of it. I just need to learn to work through these days and not follow through on the urge to text him some meaningless text to open the lines of communication.

[Forrest Gump]

"I just need to learn to work through these days and not follow through on the urge to text him some meaningless text to open the lines of communication."

Post them here.. I told you get it out of your system.

I am the craziest person here.. bet on that.

Maybe we can post back something you need to hear.

Where you are at.. what you are feeling.. we have all been there.

If I think you are doing something more crazy than me.. I will do something to make you look more sane. I can do it.

Nothing wrong with you.. you have to let it out somewhere.