If he wants to be single that will mean that I am no longer a part of his life in any way. He can come and go as he pleases, but don't expect me to be there to help him at all in any way.
Will he be required to give you money towards the mortgage? If he isn't...then you ARE helping him and he is doing some major cake eating. He would be able to come and go as he pleases with no rent/electricity/car/cable/internet bills? Why WOULD he leave??? It is just something to think about.
If you aren't ready to make him leave or at least require him to start contributing then I think you should go dark without having this conversation with him. Otherwise, he will never take you seriously.
Lots of good advice for you here. I want to comment on this one thing you said.
Originally Posted By: Starshyne
One of these nights I plan on not be home. Maybe sleeping at a hotel and just make him wonder where I am.
Don't play these games, hon. Your actions should be based on what will make YOU happy, not on trying to manipulate a specific reaction out of H. Working on GALing, and let him see you doing genuine things that keep you busy and engaged and happy, not this kind of stuff. You deserve better for yourself.
Many hugs and best wishes, Rob
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Well Rob, this is what a DB phone coach told me to do when he was playing this game in January. She said one night just don't come home because he expects me to be there whenever he decides to arrive. So by staying the night somewhere else, he will see that I am not sitting around waiting for him to come home. I thought it sounded like a good idea.
You know Kris, everytime I have tried to tell him to pay some of the mortage or bills he has refused. I am not sure how to make someone do anything. Remember the one time when I confronted him about not paying anything, he said something like, "I am trying to save money and I can't pay the bills..." I saw that he has canceled his health insurance. I dont' see how he is trying to save money. It looks to me like he is spending out of control.
I just feel so blah!
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
Let me amend my advice, to strongly suggest that you work on your GALing and PMA at the same time - don't let your life and your happiness be "all about H and your marriage." Do some nice things for yourself!
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
I like hearing that you're starting to take some control, too. I just started reading your sitch, so forgive me if this has been covered before, but what exactly are your living arrangements? Do you share a room? Is there another room in which he could live? Regardless, I say move him out of the bedroom, even if that means his stuff is in the dining room! Make your space. Go dark. Follow up with the lawyer. All of this will make you feel better, too.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
Good job!! This can be nothing more than info gathering. I KNOW it is hard. I did it right after H left and it was one of the hardest things I had done, but I actually felt a little more comfortable after doing it. I would recommend writing your questions down because you will be nervous and will probably forget somet things. You need to take advantage of the time you have.
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Well Rob, this is what a DB phone coach told me to do when he was playing this game in January. She said one night just don't come home because he expects me to be there whenever he decides to arrive. So by staying the night somewhere else, he will see that I am not sitting around waiting for him to come home. I thought it sounded like a good idea.
I am going to have to say that I agree with your DB coach. I know what you are saying Rob, that we shouldn't do things in order to get a reaction or be manipulative....but hey, it could be a nice break from the tension in the house. Maybe he would see what it is like to worry where you are. I just don't think it is a bad idea. He expects you to be home waiting for him...if what we are doing isn't working ...then do something different right?
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You know Kris, everytime I have tried to tell him to pay some of the mortage or bills he has refused. I am not sure how to make someone do anything.
I completely understand your frustration. How do you make someone give you money? How do you make him leave? I don't know the answer to those questions. That is why it is important to see the lawyer. Ask him/her these questions. It has to be addressed, otherwise he will continue to do what he is doing.
I would recommend writing your questions down because you will be nervous and will probably forget somet things. You need to take advantage of the time you have.
GREAT advice. PLEASE DO THIS. I had so many questions myself, and yes, became very nervous when I got in there and forgot to ask about a lot of things. Oops.
I think not being home one evening is an excellent idea, Sara. You ought to do it. That would be one heck of a 180 for you, wouldn't it?
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I've read a couple threads from men who's wives were cheating on them and they decided to kick the wife out, which actually led to huge, positive steps in their marriages. I think you're taking care of him too much. I know you say he can't afford to move out, but you DO NOT need to endure what he's putting you through. His actions are putting you in a difficult situation and you need to do what you need to do to protect yourself financially and emotionally. DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO DESTROY YOUR CREDIT. He's destroyed too much of you as it is.
I'm glad you made an appointment with the lawyer. I'll be thinking of you and wishing you peace of mind. It's so HARD.
(((((((starshyne))))))
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
I agree, don't allow him to destroy your credit. If things don't work out then it will be even more important for you to have good credit. Sara, you read on my thread how I struggled with that too...I too am the breadwinner! I think as long as you can pay the bills that have your name on them then you should do that or least make sure that they are being paid on time. If he can't pay for his car...maybe he should sell it and get a beater...something you should ask the lawyer about too.
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I've read a couple threads from men who's wives were cheating on them and they decided to kick the wife out, which actually led to huge, positive steps in their marriages.
I think the problem she is having here is HOW she would kick him out...I believe she has addressed this with him before. He won't leave!!!! THAT is why this appt. with the lawyer is important...so that if/when you do get to that point you know what steps to take and what you can legally do.
I think as long as you can pay the bills that have your name on them then you should do that or least make sure that they are being paid on time. If he can't pay for his car...maybe he should sell it and get a beater...something you should ask the lawyer about too.